Letters to the Editor
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Keep your name!
I was on the fence on this one also, but when asked my future husband if he would consider taking my name he smirked!
That settled it for me and I kept my name (but still married him).
It may be my "father's name" but I have a lifetime of moving through the world with that name, and I have as much right and ownership over it as any of my ancestors (male or female).
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listen to your gut
It struck me as I read your letter that perhaps there's nothing more truly feminist than doing what feels right to you regardless of outside opinions. Making decisions based on whether they are "feminist enough" is counterintuitive to the idea of equality. Sounds to me like you want to take his name - so do it, stand unapologetically by your decision, and best of luck to you. It sounds like you're in a wonderful relationship!
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What's his last name?
If you have a crappy last name then take his.
Is there a financial or political benefit to his last
name where you live?
If you are Irish and he isn't and you live in Boston
there is
an easy answer for you.
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New Family, New Name
We thought a lot about this when we got married. Not fair for either person to change their name, if the other won't. So a new name it is. It took a couple months to come up with the right name, deciding on the criteria, then debating the merits of each candidate. The process was illuminating, taught us about how we might deal with other big decisions/compromises/extended family controversies.
In the end we picked name we liked, means something to both of us, and we both went to court and stood in front of a judge to explain why we wanted to change it, stood in line at the DMV, etc. Best decision we could have made. Hopefully, our future kids will do the same thing, but until they're old enough, we'll all have the same last name, no hyphens, no unfairness, no patriarchy. Then maybe when they meet partners they want to start a new family with, they'll do the same thing. After all, it is the family tradition.
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C'mon, you have a name, keep it.
If he's so great, maybe he's earned the right to take your name!
Do you think he's struggling with that question?
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It's up to you...
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the decision on whether or not to take your future husband's last name is yours, and yours alone. Cary was right when he wrote that the gift of feminism is the freedom to go either way. If I were to get married I would take my husband's last name because I'm not attached to mine. The only thing that matters about this decision is your happiness and ability to work with it once the children arrive. Once you have those two things worked out, you're golden. I'm also going to be corny and concur with another poster by saying that what matters more than anything else (including the name issue) is that you've found someone great to spend the rest of your life with.
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The name issue is irrelevant
Whether you change your name or not, if you ar e stinky feminist, you will grab as many of his assets as you when the inevitable divorce comes.
It will not matter at that time if you had taken his name of not.
Actually to lessen the paperwork having to change your name twice, once to his name, then back to yours, just don't bother.
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birth name
When I got divorced (back in the dark ages) the judge refused my request to take back my birth name ("maiden" name). I soon realized I didn't need his permission, I could just take back my birth name, change all the documents with the old name, and move on. Fast forward a couple of years, I tried to get a passport. According to the passport folks, I didn't have any last name. I had stopped using my "legal" (married) name, and I couldn't go back to my "birth" name (the one on my birth certificate). It was a terrible moment, I broke into tears at the passport office. They were very nice about it, this happens all the time, etc., and I had to get my mother to write them a certified letter telling them that I was really who I said I was. I got my passport in time for my trip to Paris. And I swore I would never ever let go of my birth name again. And that's what I recommend to all women.
Pat
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My wife and I both changed our names
I would have been happy if we both kept our original names, but she wanted us to have the same name, and i wasn't comfortable with her adopting mine (grew up with a mom who had kept her maiden name) or me adopting hers (don't really get along with her family). We didn't like the idea of hyphenation. We want any children we might have to have a name that gives them a tie to their (mother's) Jewish heritage. So we simply picked something we both liked.
But just why are you writing to Cary for advice on this? Just how many men do you need to ask about what to do with YOUR name?
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Living to principles of ideology
Is it worth to put human lives to a service of an ideology? Makes me feel sad that most "feminists", whoever they are, never lived in socialism, under the threat of communism coming, eventually. Why is it so important to "do right thing that feminism would approve of"?
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I SO wish there were an easy answer to this
I faced the same question when I got married four years ago. It felt so wrong to give up my last name; kind of like getting plastic surgery to get a different nose when mine was perfectly fine. But I knew that my husband secretly wished for me to take his last name, and because he never outwardly pressured me to do so, I thought I'd meet him halfway and hyphenate our names as my new last name.
I regret doing that. Hyphenation is such a pain, especially when you're spelling your name out to someone over the phone. And sometimes when I'm entering my last name in a form field while shopping online, the stupid site won't even recognize the hyphen as a character and will tell me that I've entered an invalid last name. I agree with all the posters who say don't hyphenate your kids' last name. It's one thing to get creative with your own name; it's quite another to foist that burden on your offspring.
If I could do it all over again, I'd either keep my name or take his. Most likely keep mine. I only wish it didn't matter to him so. LW, you are so lucky that your husband is genuinely fine with whatever decision you make. That's a gift he's given you. Look at this choice as a blessing, like Cary said, no matter how much of a pain it is. There may not be an easy answer, but at least a decision isn't being made for you.