Letters to the Editor
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Do whichever
Both are fine. I have kept my own so far, and will probably keep it in any remarriage. I earned and achieved all that I have under that name, and renouncing it would feel very strange. So do whichever, both are acceptable and fine nowadays.
But please, please, PLEASE do not hyphenate.
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It's not irrevocable--experiment
Truly, you can lighten
up about this because
whatever you do, you can
undo.
In the 60s I took
my first husband's
name without giving
it any thought.
It was fine, but
I took my maiden
name back after
the divorce.
When I married
my present husband
I hyphenated.
My name is at the beginning
of the alphabet; his
is at the end.
Also his is VERY
common and mine relativel
unusual -
hyphenating turned
out to be a hassle
as far as I was concerned,
so I just dropped
his part of the hyphenation
(and hastened to assure
friend I was ditching
the name, but not the
husband.)
As long as you are
not trying to defraud
anybody, you can
call yourself
whatever you please. So,
if you wanted to, you
could start using your
husband's name without
changing official papers/
documents... see how it
feels. If it's not
comfortable, go back
to your own.
Think of it as a
social experiment.
And - oh, the
important part - congratulations
on your marriage.
-
What's with the animosity?
Sheesh, I'm learning a lot from these letters. Women who keep their names are headed for divorce? Parents with different names might as well name their kids "mud" because that's where things are headed? 90% of women take their husbands' names. Who knew? Among my friends married in the last decade or so, I can think of exactly one woman who took her husband's name (they're in their early twenties and ultra-devout Catholics).
When I got married back in 1990, I kept my own name despite my husband's objections. The main reason was that I couldn't stand his father and couldn't bear the idea of taking HIS name; I love my own dad, and am proud to have his name, even though it's one of those troublesome foreign names that sounds like an English word nobody would want for a name. I was also in the middle of getting my BA (yeah, too young to get married, I know), and it didn't seem fair to have his name on my degree and his name called out at my convocation.
And yes, I divorced him 12 years later. Would I have stayed with him if I'd taken his name? Not likely. But, contrary to AJ Calhoun's experience, I kept my name and he kept his money. There were extenuating circumstances too long to get into here, but I just want to point out that some of us know how to play fair.
For the LW, I'd say do what feels right. You might want to use the coin-flipping technique another reader recommended for another case: heads you keep you name, tails you take his. If you get that sinking feeling when the coin comes up heads, you know what you want to do.
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surprising
that this is an issue in the US of A. i'm from a 3rd world country with a *lot* of gender issues and i never thought twice about not changing my name. i did not see the point. this is who i am, this is the name i was given. why would i change it? neither of us wear rings or outward symbols of marriage either. i can't stand jewellery. he never wore jewellery. its not our style. there are more important things to change, than names. developing mutual respect and learning to work as a team are more important issues than changing names. also, why would anyone want to waste time doing loads of annoying paperwork unless they have nothing else to do? so inefficient and boring. i love the guy and he me, i'd rather spend time drinking a beer with him than spend time doing paperwork.
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who do you say you are?
I'm 40 and getting married tomorrow. I'm not changing my name. When I told my fiance he asked: "Why would you want to keep the name of someone who left your family?" The answer is simple: After 40 years my last name is far more than the name my father also uses, wherever he may be. It truly is my name now. I know who I am when I say my name out loud. When I say my first name with my fiance's last name out loud, or write it on paper, I have no idea who that person is.
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Why not swap names?
My intention before marriage was that I would give my (hypothetical future) wife her name and she would give me mine.
When I finally got married we chose not to do so since Mrs Rolyn had already changed her name, changed it back and since she is a publishing scientists it made sense not to publish under a third name.
That said, I think you should consider the name-swap idea!
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Please THINK about what taking his name really means!!
I married in 1979 and kept my name because I did not view marriage as being "owned" by my husband. Face it, ladies, if you've ever studied history or socialogy, becoming the husband's "property" IS the historical basis for a woman taking her husband's name. We've been happily married for 28 years and I've never regretted keeping my name. It's never been a problem and has even been convenient at times. Our son's have four names: first, middle, mine, husband's. We mistakenly hyphenated our first son's name but it caused confusion at doctor's offices and school forms with too few spaces, so we dropped the hyphen. It truly distresses me to see the younger women of today reverting back to taking their husband's name. I agree with the poster who wrote that all the so-called conveniences of having one name are just blind rationalizations for not really thinking about what you are doing when you take your husband's name, i.e. becoming his property. If you think this is not true, then if your really want to all have one name, have him take yours or create a new one. See, you can't even imagine that, can you? Say what you will, you are NOT a "liberal feminist." Ironically, my elder son is getting married next year and even though he thinks it would be fine for her to keep her name, she's going to change it. Arrghh!!