Letters to the Editor
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Too confusing
My parents had different last names, and it was just too confusing. I couldn't figure out which last name was supposed to be mine, technically it was my Dad's name, but I felt guilty about the whole patriarchy thing and so also used my mom's name, which is my middle name. All my friends would call my mom Mrs. Shields anyways when they met her, and I was forever having to correct people.
When I got married, I thought about hyphenating, but then I thought, well fine, but which one do I use? My dad's name is technically my last name, but if I used it my mom would be offended, and I didn't want to have a different last name then my kids... so I just changed it. Easier. We make our own little family unit.
And if other women are going to judge me on my last name decisions, too bad for them!
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I hyphenated
and it has been a complication over the years, particularly when voting. However it was worth all the trouble the first time one of my right wing family started ranting about Hillary Rodham Clinton using both names and I stopped him cold by informing him that I too was using both names. the look on his face was priceless.....
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Keep your name
I came of age in the early 70s and none of my friends changed their names when they got married. I must admit that though I always planned to keep my name, when it came down to the wire, I did consider trading up to my husband's Anglo name. When I imagined myself with that name, however, it wasn't me (seemed like more of a writer of romance novels). My daughter has my husband's last name, it is no big deal (I didn't feel strongly enough about it to hyphenate or come up with a third name). In the end, it is not about trading your father's name for your husband's. It is the name you have had all your life.
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the bonds of feminism
So, by Cary's logic, women have been freed from the bonds of patriarchy, only to find themselves tied to a new set of "choices" they neglect at the peril of their daughters and granddaughters. While he concedes that the LW is free to choose either, it's clear which option he sees as nobler. I might agree, if she was being pressured by her future husband or his family, but this isn't the case. Her choosing to change her name no more threatens to revive old definitions of marriage than an individual woman choosing to have an unplanned baby threatens another woman's choice to have an abortion.
Cary also argues that keeping her name will give the LW an easy way to introduce feminism to her children. Keeping one's name, it seems, is more a symbolic protest against the practical ownership men had over their wives for centuries than an actual subversion of those roles. I would think living in an equal, feminist marriage would be the most effective way to demonstrate those ideals to her children, no matter what her name is. Being a feminist in name only would be a much graver threat to women's rights than making a symbolic gesture toward her new family ever would. She can still have a conversation with her children, but this one can be about how a woman can have any kind of marriage she pleases.
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I regretted it
When I got married, a feminist marrying a feminist who expected me to keep my name, I took my husband's last name for exactly the same reasons you think you will--a unit, a partnership, simplicity, I liked it better.
Within a month I deeply regretted it. There were a variety of reasons: it was my lifelong identity; my most admired female role model had kept her name and never considered giving it up; my husband's relatives sent us gifts addressed to Mr. and Mrs. X, without ever even thinking to ask whether I'd changed my name. That hurt me more than I would have expected. I realized, as Cary said, that I had failed to be a reminder of the progress women have worked so hard for.
Several years later, that marriage ended for a variety of reasons. I changed my name back immediately--not because of the association with my husband, but because I had secretly wanted to even since the bliss-filled early years. I'm getting remarried next year, and as much as I adore my future husband, I will never, ever change it again.
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Equal Marriage, and Some Responses
This should put the whole, "it's really your father's last name (if you're a woman)," bullshit into perspective: Imagine Massachusetts, 2007, a black guy marrying a white guy and saying, "well, my last name is really my great-grandfather's slave owner's name, so I'll just take your name, Sweetie." Would that happen? No! If the black guy really had a problem with the origin of his surname he would have changed it independently of the marriage. Most men who marry each other keep their own names or both hyphenate. If they adopt children, the kids get a hyphenated name. I think part of the reason conservatives are so against gay marriage is because it shows what a marriage looks like when both partners consider themselves equals.
Responses to other posts:
Feminism isn't about choice; the dictionary definition of feminism is that it's about equality. You're getting the "choice" thing from arguments about abortion.
Genealogists always list everyone by their birth names. That is, when they can figure out the woman's name. Most family trees eventually go far enough back so that you get to John Smith, son of James Smith and [?]. Also, there's so much paperwork on everyone these days that it's unlikely your descendants won't be able to find you.
Molly, it's a tradition that can be easily fought by simply putting your surname as the child's surname on the birth certificate. You've promised him that the first child will have his surname, would he ever have promised you that? Would he be willing to promise you that the second will have your surname? What is the difference between you two other than that you're a woman?