Letters to the Editor
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Groan.
If you're dumb enough to get married, take his name. Best of luck.
Remain single. Forever. Marriage is a miserable trap. Taking his name will not be as important in the long run as keeping his balls empty and his stomach full, but it wouldn't hurt if you're going to play the part of the dutiful wifey.
You look good in an apron? Any JPGs?
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you don't have to pick one or the other
I use my maiden name privately and my husband's name professionally. We work together, and having the same name simplifies explanations at work; we socialize mainly with the associates of my parents, and using my name simplifies explanations at home. It's not as complicated as you might expect; a legal alias isn't difficult to establish.
Having children of our own isn't an option for us, but if it were, we would hyphenate, since our names form a pleasant combination. The first time I introduce myself to, say, people at church, I usually use both names for the sake of clarity. He's been known to use both names when introducing himself to friends of my parents.
The real question is, what name feels like your name? There's no right or wrong choice. You are not responsible for bearing the weight of future generations of feminists on your shoulders. All you have to do is pick a name so that people will be able to address you.
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feminism??
Cary conveniently ignored that the writer quite pointedly framed the question as a choice between her father's name and her husband's name. Keeping her father's name, therefore, is not much of a choice for feminism.
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keep your name
For God's sake, keep your name. Why do liberal husbands never agonize over whether to adopt their wives' names? I kept my name and we gave one kid my name and one my husband's name. There haven't been any problems with the kids (they're 8 and 10 now) having different names--it's actually a conversation starter.
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Ask your husband to take your name
Ask HIM to change his name (to yours), and you'll never feel regret that you succumbed to convention. Rather, you'll be undoing a tiny piece of centuries worth of patriarchal tradition. (Anyone reading this who spontaneously objects that the husband might not want to adopt his wife's name - think of all the women who have quietly taken their partners' names without objection.) As a bonus, everyone in your future family will share the same last name. Problem solved. In fact, I wish I'd thought of it myself when I got married. I don't know if the paperwork may be slightly more difficult, but it'd be worth it!
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"Father's" name?
Why all this focus on the fact that it's actually her father's name? Her husband's name is really _his_ father's name, too. And each of the father's names are really _their_ father's name. Almost nobody has their "own" name, but the name you are born with and grow up with and identify with feels like your "own" name as much as anything, so why obsess about where it originated? It's a question of YOUR name vs. your husband's name. Keep your own!
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A third option
I kept my name, it hasn't been a problem or caused any difficulties in my life or the lives of my husband and children. However one option we considered when we discussed marriage was that we both change our names. My favorite name was a remix of syllables from our last names. For instance if your name was Johansen and your fiance's name was Alveraz you could mix up Joraz from it.
Just another idea, which would let you do your own thing, yet still have a family name shared by your husband and kids.
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doormat
I'm sorry to say it, but to many educated, kept-their-own-name women, other women who change their names look like doormats. It doesn't matter how powerful your job is or how liberal your politics, if you cave on your actual identity, you come off as a loser.
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This shouldn't be a test of your feminism
I kept mine as a matter of principle. Also, at the age of 38, I didn't want to have to change all those financial and legal records, including a professional license. My husband had a slight preference for me keeping mine. Our son has my husband's name. It is closer to the beginning of the alphabet than mine, and much as I like my last name, being at the end of the alphabet is a curse for little kids. In Sweden, the most feminist country on earth, women routinely take their husbands' last names or hyphenate. I would have gladly done that if I were able to partake of Swedish feminism.
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do whatever, but don't feel bad for taking his name.
I took my husband's name - and I'm no doormat, he's a stay at home dad and I bring home the paycheck, because I have more earning power. I just like that we all have the same name, and his was shorter and easier to spell than mine. it's not a big deal.
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Wonderful response Cary
Great advice, and exactly the point. You do get to choose, it's just down to how you feel about it. What name will make you happy? What name do you want to repeat after your first name for the rest of your life?
And have you considered hyphenating? I kind of like the idea of taking my fiance's name. I love him (obviously), and I like the gesture of making his name, his family heritage and history, part of my own. That said I also hate the idea of giving up mine. My family heritage and history are important to me, and I think I would miss having the daily reminder of my name. So I'm kind of leaning towards hyphenating. I'm sure some people will think it's terribly yuppie of me, but oh well, I have my reasons.
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combined names
Though not married yet, I'm not sure I'll give up my surname when/if the time comes. But there are other options. Some Spanish-speaking countries have come up with an elegant solution...
First of all, most people have two surnames. The first is the
father's surname and the second is the mother's.
So if Mr. A B marries Ms. X Y, they each keep their names. The children will have the surname A X, and you address letters to "the X A Family."
When each person has one surname, I like the Anglo practice of creating a hyphenated surname. (Though this doesn't seem to be popular. Is there a prejudice against hyphens?)
By the way, more than one Latin American has expressed confusion to me about how in the US we claim to be less patriarchal than in Latin countries, but here women are expected to change the very marker of their identity when they marry.