Letters to the Editor
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Maintenance
At 35, I'm starting to notice some of what the LW is talking about. In some ways I kind of like it though. It means I can go about my business a little more privately. No one is trailing me around the grocery store trying to get up the nerve to ask for my number, it's less likely that when I'm swimming or at the gym or yoga class that someone is trying very hard to position himself in a place where he can get a quick peek at things I'd really rather he didn't. It's kind of a relief. I'm naturally kind of introverted and never enjoyed that feeling I would get sometimes that I had an audience when I was just trying to go about my daily business.
And as far as being able to enjoy your body as it ages and things begin to sag a bit, sports/fitness activities really seem to help change to focus of appreciation from the aesthetics of your body to its function. And it's the function of a youthful body the exercise will help preserve more anyway, something you'll be really grateful for at 70 or 80 when many of your sedentary friends will be lining up for walkers and wheelchairs.
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Pretty people age
I watched my mom go through this. I don't think my mom's as beautiful as the letter-writer describes herself, but she's certainly attractive. From old pictures of her, it seems she always looked younger than her age. So, she felt fate had played quite a cruel trick when she began to age in earnest, I guess you could say. I remember as a little girl seeing how painful it was for her to get less and less attention. It really affected me. I think she came to rely on being reacted to in a certain way, if that makes any sense. After a lifetime of being good-looking, she came to rely on getting a pleased reaction from strangers. I think that's what my mom missed, and I don't know that she ever fully found a way to deal with it, other than slow, painful acceptance. I'm 26 now, and I am also pretty, I guess, at least as pretty as my mom. I get looks and flirtations, etc, and I receive them with mixed feelings, knowing that beauty (or cuteness, in my case) fades.
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You are not alone - hang in there!
Although I rarely felt beautiful as a young woman, I did feel desired. I can only really appreciate it in retrospect. I never felt powerful as a young woman or understood that that the attention I received was temporary.
I first noticed the signs of aging and the accompanying decrease in power at age 29. When you first start to notice it's shocking, because it's already gone.
Hopefully, your disbelief and sense of irretrievable loss will fade, and you'll gradually accept and even embrace what has happened. You'll assume your new place in the world, your new identity as a grown woman, and you'll come out of this milestone wiser and more self-confident. You'll find new role models and decide that there's no shame in putting a little more effort into hair, make-up, and working out. That's how it's been for me. I wish you the best and hope it happens to you.
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you WILL always be beautiful
Some people just are that way. When your hair turns white, you'll look even more striking. Trust me.
Cary's right-on about what you feel you are losing: instant approval. But I don't think you have to be a beauty or a kid for its equivalent.
We all know people who we're always glad to see, and others who make us cringe and want to hide. Think about who the "good ones" are in your life and what about them makes you feel happy (bet it has nothing to do with looks), then emulate them. Those I know are upbeat, interesting, and interested. They have more to say than complaints and aren't the people who ask you to do something every time you see them.
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Welcome to Earth
Now you know how everyone else feels. Except they're used to it and have already dealt with their angst over it. At least you had it. Most people never did. Sorry to hear that the party's over for you. Waaah waaah waaah.
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pretty is as pretty does
I was never beautiful, but pretty enough that through my late teens and 20s I received a fair amount of unsolicited male attention on the street and at work. It largely died away when I hit my 30s -- whether from age or the wedding ring on my hand, I don't know. But I sure didn't miss it. I'm surprised anyone would. The teenage boys' catcalls out the car windows? The eyes glued to your behind as you walk past? When you work in retail, they walk up to your counter and command you to "smile!" ... when you have an office job, they say leering things like "you should wear skirts more often." This is something to miss? I have always felt sorry for beautiful women, who I imagine suffer more of this garbage than I ever did.
I think the writer is mistaken in believing that her beauty ever got her anything worth having. All she's really losing is the fleeting attention of certain juvenile, shallow men who see women as a collection of body parts to be judged and appraised in public (many of them post here, so you know the type I mean. Would you want to be with any of those guys?).
The really great men are looking for more than that, and I've never met a successful executive or professional who got to the top simply because she was beautiful. Let it go.
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A lot of us will be able to relate to you
As a 46-year-old who also got a great deal of attention for my looks (especially in my late teens and twenties), I can relate to you and appreciate what you're going through, and know a lot of women can.
One thing I realize I like about the change in people's reaction to me is, when I was younger, I was treated like prey by men. Not kindly, not personally--just like an object to be hit on--and there was often an element of hostility to that. I never felt they liked me for me (when I found someone who did, finally, I married him). Now, when I'm out and about--at the laundromat, bus stations, etc.--men are a lot kinder and respectful to me than they were 20 years ago. I'm treated more like a fellow human being, less like prey. Men of all ages show their better, more decent sides to me now, a lot more than they did 20 years ago, when they were just showing their lustful sides! Although part of me can hardly believe that there is actually a real benefit to "losing my looks" (or having them mature into something pleasant, but not necessarily universally lust-inspiring in the opposite sex), I have to admit: this is really better. I really, genuinely like it better.
When my mother died, at the age of 87, two of her friends--young men who adored her--handsome, middle-aged men--who treated her like gold, and couldn't have been better friends to her--were with us at her bedside. In his letter, Carey reminds us--and at my mother's death, I learned that it was the absolute truth--that we are beautiful to people who love us, no matter what our age. (I know our 80+-year-old friends are beautiful to me and my husband.) There are a lot of kind people out there to whom we will never be invisible. Yes, there are always the assholes, but they were there when we were young and beautiful, too. There are a lot of good people out there.
I guess I'm reminding both of us--I constantly need reminding, too--that evidence shows there are still a lot of good things for us to look forward to in the next 40 years of our lives, if we're lucky enough to have those years.
All best wishes,