Letters to the Editor
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Boy, do I understand!
I'm 37 years old and have those very same fears, and they are magnified every time someone responds to my age disclosure with, "What!? Are you serious!?". Although I've always used my merit, ethics and character to acquire jobs and make friends I too have grown accustomed to the compliments about my "youthful good looks". I'm afraid that the glances my way will cease when I turn 40. Deep down I don't believe this will happen, but the nagging fear just won't leave me alone. It also doesn't help that we're constantly subjected to commercials selling us Oil of Olay and worse than that, botox and other injections. It's SCARY out there for those of us in our 30s, 40s and beyond! I won't even talk about the ads put out by the diet industry. It's no wonder you're feeling the way you do; the media is designed to make us feel undesirable just because we were born more than two decades ago. All of these things combined are the reason I loved Cary's closing line:
"You have to find it in your intimates, in your family, in those who love you and will always love you, to whom you will never be anything but spectacular."
When society says that we aren't worthy of love and attention because we're "fading" I always find solace in my wonderful friends, who tell me how pretty and fabulous I am evry time I'm with them. That's what you should do, LW because no matter how old you get, you will have your partner and your circle to tell you how pretty and fabulous you are too.
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Honestly, this is something the LW should have known was coming
First, she may be suffering from body dysmorphic disorder: obsessive thoughts about looks regardless of attempts to control etc. are a symptom
Second, at a certain point caring about beauty is tiresome and tiring.
I was "beautiful" once too and commanded a great deal of male attention. Most of these men did not care anything about me at all and were incapable of having a conversation with me.
I went to grad school and got a Ph.D. I cared more about my intelligence and ability than my body or my face.
I also gained weight...I used the think the world would end if I went over 125 pounds. I now teach at University and confront the beautiful youths every single day...
I would not go back to that time! When I was just another hot chick treated in a dehumanizing way.
Now I command the attention of both male and female minds: I teach them how to think. I dress up for class, try to lose weight now and then, wear heels, sometimes make-up. But they are not looking at me, they are listening to me, and that feels much better! And, wrinkles, a little plumpness, a few grey hairs...all disappear. I feel like I have power, but it is not trivial childish power (loved for looks...whatever...who gives a crap what strangers think?)
When I was in college and then in my 20s, I got so tired of the constant sexualized attention. People could not see past my physical value which got me ....very little, really.
I now feel liberated. Aside from gross men hitting on me and feeling like they can say anything because my looks somehow seemed to invite them in...my life and relationship to the world has not changed.
I look at the young men and women in my class and I don't see "hot", I see "children"--unformed minds and unformed characters. I don't even notice what they look like.
Good luck...you might want to learn more about body dysmorphic disorder if you really cannot stop thinking about this.
Lizzie550
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Beauty comes from within
Yes, I am serious about this cliche. Well, up to a point. This has been my experience but I am a woman; men may be different. It's not that inner beauty really makes a person outwardly physically beautiful - although it helps - but a person who possesses outward physical beauty but lacks intelligence, character or other appealing qualities ceases, in my perception, to even be physically beautiful. I have had this experience with men and women, where I have asked myself: how could I ever have thought him or her attractive? So this is one qualifying remark I have to make: if people admire you and respond positively you it is probably not JUST your physical beauty, but physical beauty enhanced by intelligence and character and who knows, maybe warmth and depth, too? (Two of my favorite "beautifying" qualities.)
Also, I wonder if the change you are sensing around you isn't more a matter of you projecting your insecurities, reading them into others' reactions than you really losing the appeal of your beauty? I have a beautiful older friend. She was 48 when I met her, I was 24 and I was bowled over by her beauty. She also possesses a great deal of "beauty within" (character, intelligence, warmth and depth) and I think these two factors together have made her an unusually charismatic person. She is in her sixties now and I still think she is beautiful. Perhaps because I am one of her intimates who will always find her spectacular....and yet, even my parents, who met her when she was in her fifties remarked on how lovely she is, both from within and also from without.
Of course, I live in Germany. I remember reflecting about the letter where the mom was naked in front of her children, about another difference between European and U.S. culture - which I think is related - namely the youth-and-beauty cult. Not that there is not a youth-and-beauty cult over here. There is and it is growing. But it's not nearly as strong (yet) as in the U.S. And the concept of "beauty" seems more original. On German television you are much more likely to see older women actresses, or unusual-looking women actresses cast in the lead, romantic or otherwise. When I see U.S. series that are broadcast over here, the actors all look like Ken and Barbie. Okay, there's a black Ken and an Asian Barbie but there is so much boring sameness in the idea of beauty.
I wish you could embrace your 43 year-old beauty, which is perhaps different from 23 year-old beauty, but is it really less? A friend of mine loves to say "we see what we believe and believe what we see". You fear young beauty is superior to aged beauty and so you will notice all the signals and facts that confirm this fear. But if you could look in the mirror and accept what a few wrinkles add to your face -- maybe making it more human, appealing, or arresting (maybe!!! It's possible!), you might find yourself less harsh on the older women at the salon and realize that you still are getting plenty of admiring looks. Perhaps by more discerning, deeper-seeing individuals which only makes them (the looks)more valuable.