Letters to the Editor
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Thank you, Mr. Tennis
The first part of your answer is a point of view I have never considered. Of course, not being particularly good looking and a man, it is a situation very foreign to me. But I am always interested in other points of view, and this one is most interesting.
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Life is cruel
And I'm alive.
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losing beauty
I could (almost) be the LW. I am 45 and 10 years married (no kids). I've always been considered beautiful and gotten lots of attention. I was an actress and dancer when I was younger and am now a minister and teacher (related skills but not so looks-focused). I'm really depressed even though I STILL get some head-turning in my direction (particularly below the neck, since I've managed to "keep my figure" pretty well). But all I can see, when I look in the mirror, are the light lines in my neck and slight sagging of my jaw-line. Suddenly, I'm reading articles about skin care, using AHA creams and doing throat tightening exercises...
I'm a clergy-woman, academic; artist. I'm not supposed to be so superficial. But beauty is a really hard gift to relinquish...
I find myself thinking that, if my husband left me, I'd never be able to attract another man...
I think that even though there are still men who make it clear that they're attracted.
I wish I had some real solutions. I work very hard at my "attitude of gratitude," keeping my priorities straight and trying to make the world a better place. I tell myself (over and over), "it's not about you."
Anyway, I just want to let the LW know she's not alone. This is a helluva time/country in which to be a woman over forty!
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What those lines are saying
One day you're going to have to relinquish your relationship with this planet. That's what those lines are saying. The time you have left to learn about the world is shrinking. It's time to stop looking at your own face and start looking at more important things.
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Plastic surgery is good for preserving your looks
If your face already looks like an unmoving plastic mask and your breasts are perfectly round softballs (or basketballs) with obviously displaced nipples.
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Aging is a horror
Wait until the wheels start falling off from important things like sight, hearing, etc...
I believe it is a programmed series of events and it can be studied, understood and one day stopped and even reversed. The only thing that can get us there is SENS.
http://www.sens.org/
Look on YouTube for SENS presentations. Try to see what you can contribute to this effort.
We need to study cases like Brooke Greenberg's and learn from it. We need to study progeria in the hopes that this extreme aging can shed some light on normal aging. Look into Alagebrium and hope it gets approved. Work to make sure it does.
The savings in health care costs alone should make it obvious that this is the way to go.
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I'm 28 and have the same fears
So maybe knowing younger women feel that way might relieve some of your anxiety. All those perky, pouty 18 year olds are really starting to piss me off, but then I remember that I can cook and hold a good job and am well-educated, so the heat subsides. Remember, society is still set up to value women based on their reproductive capacity; therefore, it will take a lot of time and effort from millions of women to change the way we regard femininity.
One place to start, IMHO, would be reforming the tabloids. It is a self-fulfilling scenario: the covers promote losing 30 pounds and getting Botox injections, re-triggering female insecurities about what society has taught them to value about themselves, causing a sale of said tabloid, and the next thing you know, you're dead from a heart attack because you got a tummy-tuck and breast lift from a sketchy plastic surgeon. All I'm saying is, could they maybe tone down on the close-ups of celebrity cellulite and latest who got fat gossip? That's all.
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Her looks won't improve. Old wisdom says to focus on improving what you can.
I like the a answer you gave the LW - cliches and all. It is unfortunate that any of us have to age. It is unfortunate that any of us have to lose the easy esteem you mention. Certainly this could be framed as an abandonment issue as the daily love has abandoned her. Certainly she must grow to accept her new lifestyle; it has always been thus. Your answer is like a disenchanted lover, upon dumping you, saying "No, no it's not you; it's me. We can still be friends." But for the dumpee the loss of love cuts deep and smarmy words and cliches aren't good enough.
It's been said that beauty is wasted on the young and I couldn't agree more. So the letter writer is correct in saying that men will tell her she's getting what is due her and that generally men don't find her attractive, ever. I know I wouldn't. Despite this basic truth the LW needs to overcome the anger that will come to her because of this. Taking revenge for natural behaviour will only spiral into even more bitterness and anger - and that is simply a waste of time and energy. Instead the LW should take this lemon and make lemonade by focusing the negative energy to positive pursuits. Improve upon what strengths she has and age gracefully doing so.
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another perspective
Ever here the line from singer songwriter Ani DiFranco: "Everyone harbos a hatred/For the prettiest girl in the room." It's true. And it sounds like Cary has his share of envy.
If you happen to be beautiful and introverted or the least little bit shy, forget it, everyone's going to assume you're a stuck up you-kow-what. Your ability to interact in casual social settings is judged much more harshly, particularly from people who have never recovered from the slings and arrows of high school.
Oh, and I know I'm not going to convert anyone to the "it can be tough to be pretty" mindset, but there are drawbacks. Being too attractive can be seen as hazard in some professions - people assume you got there by sleeping with someone, not on any actual merit. So many people can't see beyond the pretty face to the individual inside, and yes, I know that's cliched, but there's truth to it.
This is sexist, but it seems like guys really enjoy getting attention from all kinds and ages of women, whereas women would rather not. Men come back from lunch and talk about how the server was totally flirting with them, even though she was probably just being friendly. But not all women find getting hit on a positive thing.