It becomes a grudge match.

It sounds more like a therapy session. No wonder you're struggling. Don't dump on your dates. Keep them fun, interesting, positive, and wanting more when the date ends.

She wants to hear more about me to see how comfortable she can be with me and whether she wants to commit to me. So, it is all light and fun until the talk becomes more serious.

At which point I can continue to throw out only 'light and fun', unlikely since I want to get serious with her, or I get serious, and blow my chances because everything factual or conversational scores against romance and the necessary suspension of reality this entails.

So she keeps pulling data out of me. I keep trying to avoid this. Eventually she is not interested, because a lot of time has gone by when it has no longer been 'light and fun' enough.

If she talks about herself and her life and I keep doing 'light and fun', she thinks I am not serious.

Maybe that is the problem, I need only be chasing unserious girls to get beyond the 'pulling facts, then justifying rejecting me' stage. Screw the ones I want, I should be going only for the easy sluts. I am learning this American way. I can see why more and more guys seem to gravitate to this...

My job is to foist ONLY 'light and fun' into dating. I see now.

"I admitted to this woman that I have been spoiled in this life, that the girls I have been with have mostly been the perpetrators of the relationship."

It sounds more like a therapy session. No wonder you're struggling. Don't dump on your dates. Keep them fun, interesting, positive, and wanting more when the date ends.

And to the LW: he sounds like a shy guy. I know because that is exactly how I used to behave, until I wised up and took a few chances. So I agree with those who say that he really does like you, and with those who say "Give him a smooch"!

Less talk, more lip-lock.

God knows I try to kiss her and try to work up to it (though admittedly still Neanderthal on this working up to the kiss part).

Pull yourself together and stop whimpering, man.

You should not have let it get into this situation. You don't just kiss someone out of context.

Yes, this is Neandertal if what you are proposing is that you kiss her and as a result she gets so worked up that she loses control and lets you get into her pants, even though she pretended at first that she didn't want to. That stuff died out several thousand years ago.

Be a Homo Sapiens. Talk to her and ask her what she is looking for out of this relationship. Talk to her honestly the same way you do to Salon, only tailor it for your audience. Don't say that all women are ball-busting bitches, say that all American women are ball-busting bitches.

Build her confidence.

Say that you respect Chinese women because they are decent (like you, hah!) and don't go around with their Daisy Dukes half a yard up their ass crack, and yet they are sexy and pleasing to their men. Play to what you perceive as her perception of her strengths.

Tell her you want to have her as your lover, because you know she has a lot of love to give. Cock your head on one side and say please, but don't demand an immediate answer. Take her out to dinner and let her stew in her own juices. Make conversation on general topics, nothing emotionally challenging.

Chances are she will go home that night and lie in her cot imagining what it would be like to be your lover, and if this thought does not make her spew up the dinner you fed her with, then chances are you are quids in and she will come back to you and say "OK big boy, when do we start?". Or at least come back with some kind of counterproposal like "but I don't want a baby". At this point you can display your Homo Sapiens level of contraception and nonpenetrative sexual techniques and offer to provide her with a practical demonstration.

Tell her it won't hurt and that you will be very gentle with her. Soon you will have her eating out of your hand.

Then, maybe, a kiss might be in order, but just a very light touch of the lips to start with. No sticking your chew-tobacco stained tongue in her mouth or probing her private parts with your big, ugly, fingers with dirty, jagged nails.

Remember why Homo Sapiens outsurvived Mr. Neandertal. He used his head.

I respectfully submit that there's no such thing as a guy who's "too shy" and on the fence because he just can't tell if he'll be rejected, who's also in a band. And the ones who are truly that shy, I doubt they are the type that girls like this get crushes on. I say he's not that "shy" type at all, who would turn tail and give up should the LW suddenly be too busy to just hang out much.

If LW decides to take my age-old, wise, advice and suddenly be too busy to just hang out and not explain where she is all the sudden, for heaven's sake do not answer questions like where did you go, where were you. You don't have to say there's another guy who's interested. You don't have to say there's not. All you have to say is you went out with some new friends (make it true) and if he's interested he'll envision your new pack at a different bar and other guys coming round chatting you up. Or you can say you have a nature hike first thing in the morning (make it true) and he'll envision some handsome chiseled athletic type helping you on with your pack. If he's interested all he needs is the vision of that to move him out of neutral. (this is provided you're like 22 or so, not 17) If he's just interested in lapping up your attention, he'll snark and whine and tease and that's all. No harm in his getting some of your time and attention while he stays in neutral but expand your circle to get your mind off him and be busy. Make your presence a rare prize, much in demand, and let him find out if he misses you. Some guys have said, "I have to see if I miss her." Women at first think that sounds crazy, but I have heard enough guys talk like this that I think sometimes they need that test in order to find out how they feel. If he can live without you, let him. Besides, you're in a band *too.* I can't believe there aren't other guys who get crushes on the *girl* in the band. Does Dreamboat at least notice if another guy sits watching you, rapt? If he isn't at least a little worried about someone snapping you up (and you pass the half-his-age-plus-7-years rule) then he just likes you for a lot of very good reasons and even in a flirty way but there's not more to it.