Letters to the Editor
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Blackvegan
I should have known. Vegans are the smugest a-holes of all...
Sorry, but the LW was only asking HOW to deliver their condescending lecture, when the real question should have been IF they should do it in the first place. Only smug a-holes wouldn't realize how obnoxious and patronizing their advice would come off.
Like I said, unless they're prepared to back up their moralizing with an actual offer of cash to help their friends get out of debt, then all they're doing is being a pair of smug, condescending pricks. Without any constructive offer to actually HELP, they should just shut the fuck up and mind their damn business.
And so, come to think of it, should you.
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Plant an idea or two...
Invite your friend for a ride in your 1980's rustmobile. When he says something joking like, "Man, how can you drive this piece of...?", respond with a laugh, "Yeah, it's something isn't it! I'm lucky, someone told me early on to keep my ego separate from my transportation, and you wouldn't believe how much money I've saved over the years doing that." Plant a seed of an idea...
Bring him along when you go to buy a jacket or pair of chinos at the Goodwill store ("Do you mind if we stop off here just a sec? I want to get something for that evening out with Sally."). Bet he has no idea that you can still dress comfortably and well on a meager income. You're not scolding him, you're planting a bit of tribal knowledge that you have an inkling might come in handy for him in the future.
During a lunch hangout after one of these errands, tip the wait staff very well, so it's clear you're able to live a generous, magnanimous, hearty life *as a result of* your thrift in other areas.
As the writers say: show, don't tell.
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Good friends take risks...
I have a close friend who is good with money who lectures me and my husband very often on being more financially proactive. (we don't have any debt--but we don't have much savings either) I actually appreciate her concern, and she referred me to a great personal financial advisor.
A real friend takes risks to make sure their friends are okay--and that includes financially. Wouldn't you intervene with a friend who was using drugs or some other self-destructive behavior? Getting deep into debt is a behavior that compromises future happiness--and I think it's perfectly reasonable for a good friend, especially one with a little "authority" to give some unsolicited advice.
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Scarily? Heedlessly? Are you absolutely sure?
It's hard to know how bad the young couple's situation is without any objective context. LW thinks $40,000 in student loans in massive? I disagree; if you're in your early 20s and you just got out of college with a mere $20k apiece in loans, I'm impressed! Likewise, it's hard to tell what "opulent" means here. Are they buying each other PS3s and iPhones? Or DVDs and ringtones? And as for medical bills, undergrad healthcare often sucks (I had significant medical bills after attending an Ivy League school) as does the healthcare at entry-level jobs. Hell, my own plan has a $2500 yearly deductible, so I know from medical bills. (I admit that the bit about creditor calls is chilling indeed; that shows a definite lack of understanding of how to manage money. Still, you can get creditors calling you about a $5 late fee on a Blockbuster movie, which means you're an idiot about remembering to pay bills but doesn't necessarily mean you can't afford to pay the debt.)
My point is, we don't know any more than LW does whether the young couple is really in trouble. My in-laws wave their hands and moan when we bring them a bottle of wine as a hospitality gift; they worry loudly and repeatedly when they hear we've bought a china cabinet; they fret about our retirement when they hear we've flown across the country to visit friends. But a $10 bottle of wine is manageable, to us, when we both sock away 6% into our 401ks. A china cabinet that we find used on craigslist for 80% off its purchase price is acceptable when we balance that against the fact that we owe a grand total of $200 on our credit cards as of today. And using frequent flier miles and free overnights at friends' houses for vacations will not bankrupt us the way that pricey cruises might.
Do our in-laws know all this? No, b/c our finances are none of their business -- any more than the young couple's finances are LW's business. Appearances can be very, very deceiving. So if LW really wants to come off as condescending and preachy, then by all means lecture those "sweet, smart kids" about their spending habits, and risk ruining a friendship. But it would be a good idea to make absolutely sure that things are genuinely dire, first.
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Don't volunteer your help
I think only the most extraordinary circumstances would justify offering unsolicited advice about a sensitive matter. Perhaps they are being foolhardy, but it is their right to do so. The most you can do is learn from their example (and dissect their folly with your spouse at great length when the two of you are alone again – one of the great unsung pleasures of marriage). Yes, what they are doing is stupid and immature, and you are watching a slow-motion train wreck. Avert your eyes and continue to enjoy their companionship while refraining from meddling.
That said, I do think that if the subject comes up organically, or if they request your opinion, you are free to state your mind (look at the title of Cary’s column). When a close relative asked me what I thought of SUVs (she was in the process of buying one), I gave my honest opinion that I don’t like them, because I think they are unsafe, inefficient, and in bad taste. She bought it anyway, and we haven't discussed it again.
Now to turn a spotlight on you, LW. You sound like me and my spouse. We live below our means in order to have a comfortable safety net should we suffer a reversal. It is better to sleep well than to eat well, as they say. Most of our friends probably make about the same or even less than we do, but live much more luxuriously. Sometimes when I behold their fancy new houses or hear about their extravagant vacations, I find myself being privately judgmental. Watching other people whooping it up while you hold to a tight budget isn’t the most fun thing. I'm not hoping for misfortune to strike so I can indulge in schadenfreude, but I do feel that if it does, I will blame them for it, and I don't much like this quality in myself. Are you sure that your concern isn’t rooted in a little bit of annoyance that they are having too good a time given their financial situation, perhaps even a better time than you even though you are better off than they are?