Letters to the Editor
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I would be getting ready for work, and I would see her strolling up the street for regular morning coffee with another neighbor.
HOw is that snubbing you? You do have to get ready for work, so you don't have time to stop and chat. She knows you're busy and respects that and decides not to bother you.
Where's the problem?
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Situational Friendship
Oh my dear, you've confused a situational friend with a heart friend.
A situational friend is a person you become close to because you share a situation. As long as you share the situation, you are close and perhaps intimate friends. You discuss the meaning of life, your partner, your kids, problems with your parents. You discuss your past and your hopes for the future. You feel tremendous affection for each other. But you're situational friends and should the situation change, and it will, the friendship withers and you are left with vague warm feelings and that's all.
A heart friendship usually begins with a situational friendship, but there is a hook, and I have no idea what that hook is, that develops and holds you together when the situation changes.
Think of your past school friends or your past work friends--people you spent hours with, ate with, analyzed each other's life, and had true affection for, but when you left school or left the job, you drifted apart. Some friends you met in school or on the job remain friends forever, but if you look back, other people with whom you were as close drifted away.
Neighbors are like that. My next door neighbor and I walked our dogs very early in the morning for years. We knew the intimate details of each others life. We talked about everything. It was a truly rewarding friendship. When her work schedule changed and she went in much later, she no longer was willing to walk at 5:00 am and we've drifted apart. I value the closeness we shared for those years and I still think of her with great affection, even though months and months go by without me even seeing her.
Take pleasure in what you and your neighbor shared and think of her with fondness. You will find other situational friends at work or at the gym.
Your heart friends will come from these.
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To LW
I know how you feel -- i am also the kind of person who appreciates the small and subtle and accidental things of life, and the way they kind of prop us up without our realizing it. Having a neighbor you can casually have coffee with and then stroll home, that's the kind of thing that's hard to go out and consciously find, but which adds so much to our lives.
The other posters are right -- she probably thinks you don't have time for her. And yes, invite her over for post-work coffee, or weekend morning brunch, just like you used to.
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thank you
I really feel better after having read this.
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over reaction
the fact that LW preceives the natural decline of a situational friendship due to changes SHE initiated as being dumped is evidence she was too needy. Neighbor probably retracted more using the new job as an excuse to get away from overly needy LW.
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Let it go, and examine what exaclty it is that has you feeling so 'betrayed'
It's hard to lose friends when there seems to be no good reason for it. I lost two this year - after I introduced them to one another, they became quite close. They tried to hide it from me, didn't invite me on outings, became MIA when I asked them individually to do things. I told them about my hurt, and I regret it. After absorbing their counter-attacks, I decided to do what Cary is advising - let it go.
I have a boyfriend, and they don't. I have a demanding, exciting job, they don't. They have some things in common - both have a lot of trouble establishing romantic relationships, both have lost their mother in their teen years. I guess it makes sense that they'd be so drawn together. I still don't quite understand why that had to mean drawing away from me, but it is what it is - for whatever reason, neither has room for me any more, and it's obviously not something that keeps either one of them up at night. C'est la vie.
It was worthwhile to me to examine just why I felt so betrayed. On reflection, neither was a close friend - they were situational friends, really, though we shared a lot of confidences and gossip, as women are wont to do. I simply overestimated their connection to me. And maybe, just maybe, I am exaggerating my connection to them - my neediness, my history of abandonment, makes even a mild rejection feel like a 'betrayal'.
I realized what I wanted was for them to keep seeking out my company. I don't care about them enough, when push comes to shove, to go seek out theirs and do what it takes to restore the friendship. When I picture approaching them, the fact that I can only imagine them apologizing to me while I remain hurt and aloof vs. simply and joyfully resuming our friendship tells me that the feelings of 'betrayal' are a lot more about what's going on with me than truly missing whatever connection I had with them.
Try to take Cary's advice - it probably stings, doesn't it, to hear that your hurt sounds 'silly' to others. But if you can learn to shrug and smile and say 'so I'm silly', not get all defensive and wounded, you are on your way to navigating future relationships with less neediness....something that is bound to lead to more fulfilling connections when they happen, and less wasted emotional energy when they don't.
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Thoughtful letters
I really liked Cary's answer to this one. And the letters in response have been thoughtful. Ann H, your letter was beautiful!
Some people have characterized this as sensitive good guys against acquaintance-collecting bad guys. I think the view of Ann H and others is more accurate. Sometimes we are the one who wants more, sometimes the one who wants less. This is why true lasting friendship is such a marvelous gift.
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I find it odd that
so many people find it "needy" for the LW to want to feel like she is important to her friend. That's what friendship it, isn't it--people who are important, necessary even, to each other. To think you have that and then find out you were merely a convenient and easily replaceable companion is disappointing and hurtful.