Letters to the Editor
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yes, think how much worse it would be if your neighbor, ex-bff, were broken-hearted, despondent at being "abandoned" ...
I had a next door neighbor who became the bane of my existence rather quickly -- she had no.life -- she called me at 8 a.m. to discuss whether she really needed to go to the grocery store and what she might make for dinner (for the two of them -- hubby and her -- and her cooking consisted primarily of frozen food and packaged side-dishes) ... her other conversation had to do with her hubby's trailer trash brother and whatever scandal Bill O'Reilly had just uncovered.
Be grateful she has a new friend. She can still be your friend when you have time for her. But you really do.not.want. her waiting by your mailbox when you get home, continuous instant-messages, e-mails or phone calls during your workday -- trust me.
Sounds like she is looking for COMPANIONSHIP during her long days at home ... be glad she found someone so quickly.
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I'm silly too
It's interesting reading the responses to this letter and sorting out the sensitive types from the less sensitive. That's not a value judgment; just an acknowledgment of personality types.
I was hurt as well recently by a friend when I realized I was just one of a long list of potential people to hang with and not really "special" to this person. It became clear when our sons, also supposedly best friends, hit a small bump in their relationship and instead of trying to work it out, both mother and son just moved to the next on their lists of potential playmates. We've cleared things up since, but both my son and I are now careful not to put too many of our eggs into this particular friendship basket.
Yes, some of you may think this is all a lot of drama, but friendship means different things to different people. Some people thrive on creating true emotional connections with a few people to enrich their lives; others prefer to "collect" lots of acquaintances to keep variety in their social schedule. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can result when these two types of people are looking for different things in a relationship.
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Lessons to be learned
This letter could have been written by me, with the situation somewhat in reverse; different circumstances. I, too, had a neighbor nearby I shared coffee with, we became close friends, & really enjoyed some great laughs & conversations over a several year period. She was very bright & alot of fun. I was working at the time, when I did some soul-searching & realized I needed to make some drastic changes in my life in order to improve it. I left my job to take time off to heal--the reasons are too lengthy to explain, but it was a very personal decision. Luckily, I was financially secure with some investments so I knew money wouldn't be a problem. That's when my troubles really started. The neighbor was older, lonely, & really needy--I felt sorry for her, wanted to lend a sympathetic ear to her when she was feeling bad, so I didn't mind hanging out with her at first. She was sooo delighted to know that I had so much time on my hands--now she had a pal to buddy with. BIG MISTAKE!
Pretty soon, the manipulation started with the bullying, the name calling, the personal attacks, the guilt trips, etc. & I knew that somehow I needed to get out of this toxic "friendship" ASAP. However stupidly or naively, I never set the proper boundaries, something I knew I should have done much earlier. I couldn't say no to her, & I felt trapped & intimidated beyond belief. This went on for about 3 months. When I refused to return a phone message she'd left on my machine one day, I later that evening recieved an extremely mean, sarcastic e-mail--& I decided that was it, I was done. I'd finally come to realize that she just had this insatiable need to control people in order to make herself feel better.
Point is,I will never again completely trust neighbors, no matter how friendly or good their intentions might seem. We really don't know what their true motives are, what goes on in their heads. By setting boundaries, we lessen the potential for emotional abuse. We can still remain friendly & cordial, as neighbors, but true friends don't treat others like s**t & that was an important lesson I needed to learn. Your neighbor is childishly needy & just wants a pal to hang with, & when you started working, she became resentful & petty. You don't need her--she's trying to manipulate your feelings by making you feel guilty for going to work. You're not at her beck & call anymore. Move on, make some new real friends that truly care about you, & for God's sake, learn to set boundaries. BTW, I've never spoken to this former "friend" again--been almost a year--& it's the best decision I've made in a long, long time.
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funny mewl
I read your whole letter, agreeing, thinking you saw LW as the needy one. It was only at the very end where you identified the LW's neighbor as the needy one comparable to your expereince.
Truth is, could be either one. Maybe LW's neighbor needed to get away from needy LW and just used the job change as a good excuse to shut things down.
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I percieved the neighbor as acting a bit childish because she gave the LW the cold shoulder.
I perceived LW's sense of a cold shoulder as an exagerrated reaction. Just cuz neighbor is having coffee with someone else, doesn't mean LW is being rejected.
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Situational Friendships
People wind up having relationships with the folks they see daily. People have "work friends" and "tot lot friends" and neighbors they have coffee with. Once the situation changes, like a new job or Junior going off to school or schedules changing, those relationships often change. Having those true lifelong friendships come out of it is a lot like dating. You meet lots of people, but if you want it to last, you and the other person need to make the effort to sustain it in light of other changes in context.
That said, I totally understand feeling hurt. Maybe if you really like this neighbor, you can have happy hour when you get home from work. That'd give you a context to keep the regular contact going.