Letters to the Editor
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Why not invite HER in for coffee?
Put yourself in her shoes. Maybe she thinks you're too busy getting ready for work in the morning to have time for a cup of joe with her. Perhaps she even feels like you dumped HER when you found your nice new job. You'll never find out until you talk to her.
So pick a weekend day or a day you're off work and invite her over for coffee. Tell her you've missed her company and would still like to share a pot of java with her sometimes.
She may come around if you take the initiative. And if she doesn't, look for another friend to have your morning coffe klatsch with.
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first and second impressions
When I first read the part where Cary calls the writer a silly person, I thought he was being too harsh. But, as I read on, I realized it wasn't meant harshly. In fact, that's the only way I could see giving a constructive answer to the letter without being either cloying or utterly dismissive. Hm, on second thought, I guess it was dismissive, but in a caring sort of way.
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And now you have a job
and she doesn't. Chances are that you don't have time to linger. As you say, you are busy getting ready for work.
Once, long ago, a friend of mine published a book. I was quite envious for a bit. I did not write him as often. I did not talk to him on the phone as often. I had to adjust to this change. No, he did not write a big bestseller, nor was he so well-reviewed as to make me choke. I thought upon these things with a bit of relief. Gradually, I got over it. We renewed our friendship.
A couple of years ago, I inherited some money. I was so happy because before life had been such a struggle financially. As a longtime sufferer of winter depression, I found myself practically cured. It is amazing what a bit of ease will do. I had a close friend who had been very emotionally supportive for me. She was a rock, a real handholder. Suddenly, she thought I didn't need her anymore. Oh, but I did still need her. I sensed that she was withdrawing from me and I took her out to lunch and dinner many times. I was quite willing to pick up that check. Suddenly, I had more money than she did. Actually, I was being a bit unwise. I did not initially understand her discomfort and her envy.
People think that good life change is not stressful. This is not true. It is extremely stressful. I was scared and panicked about the sudden change in my circumstances. I don't do well with change and I needed her more than ever. I needed her to tell me that I could cope with having more money. Instead, she began to obsess about the money. She worried that I would somehow lose it or not know how to manage it. She began to catastrophize and it became stressful to be around her. I decided to move but my decision had nothing to do with her. I assumed that we would keep it touch by email or telephone. Sadly, she began to reject me. I was quite hurt. Maybe she was just relieved to get me out of her life, I thought. Like you, I cried a few tears. Good friends are hard to come by.
LW, it took my friend over a year to stop acting nervous and rather hostile and to begin acting like a friend again.
You have made a big change in your life. I wish you the best in your new job. Give your neighbor a bit of time and then invite her to do something different. Take in a movie together perhaps. Be open. Be warm. Give her time. (Don't talk too much about the job!) Maybe, given time, she will come around. If she doesn't, you must accept this. Life does not remain static. Sometimes we lose people and, always, this hurts. Let go, as Cary suggests. Move on. Concentrate on doing well at work. If you don't have other social connections, make some.
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Thanks Cary
Maybe I'm a silly person, too, but I really needed to hear this tonight. Thanks for giving the LW a thoughtful answer.
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I agree...
Cary's response was very thoughtful. I liked that it both acknowledged the LW's mourning for the loss of her relationship, and at the same time put everything into perspective. We can't be all things to all people. Not everyone knows just how special those little daily interactions can be to others. It's not personal. And when the loss is personal -- yes, the hurt is real, but it happens sometimes.
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Thanks, Cary
That was a nice response, Cary. It covered the bases. Who hasn't been where the letter writer is? We've all been there; many of us have been there today. We feel for you, LW. It will get better in time. One door closes, another one opens.
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one of my favorite cary responses so far
thank you.
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Adapt to the change
If you're working now, that means you're not available for her morning coffee ritual. You say she doesn't have time for you when you are available -- maybe the times you're available are the times she's doing other rituals (making dinner? helping kids with homework?)and it just hasn't been convenient for her to hang out.
But it's worth another try if she's important to you (or you're having some abandonment buttons pushed). Call her and tell her you'd love to have her and the other neighbor over. Give them options: Maybe brunch on a Saturday or Sunday morning, or dinner some weekday evening.
But if it's true that all she really wants out of neighbor relations is a warm body that happens to be home in the morning, you have been replaced.
Either way, it's definitely time to find some nice friendly person at work to start new coffee rituals with. You have too much invested in this one woman and you need some more pals.
Adjustment to change can be really hard for some of us. I don't know how people who constantly move or change jobs do it, except that I guess they're more "people" than "person" people.