Letters to the Editor
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It's the boss that wants the apology
It's his peusdo way of getting you to acknowledge that you left and hurt him. Really, he wants the apology and he's just using his wife to manipulate you into doing so.
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Im a little surprised
at people who don't "get" what an emotional affair is or understand the hurt to the spouse. I find it surprising anyone whos been in a relationship would think that any intimate thing short of sex is OK.
Think of all the types of intimacy you share with a partner. Most is not physical.
And as someone else said, if you're giving time and energy to someone else, you're robbing it from your spouse and marriage and kids.
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if you're giving time and energy to someone else, you're robbing it from your spouse and marriage and kids.
and we all know we ain't talking about being passionate about bridge. We're talking about having a romatic relationshiip with someone other than your spouse.
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If I were the wife.....
I would not want to hear from you. I might be curious about you, sure, and I might not be your biggest fan, but so long as you and my husband are not in contact, then he is the one I want to deal with. I can't see how hearing anything from you would help me solve my marital issues. As a matter of fact, when I would stop to think about it, I might actually feel a little bad for you, as my husband abused his position and is trying to blame you for his own lack of discretion. As I am not his wife, I feel really bad for you and urge you to "run away, run away!" Cary is exactly right.
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Emotional affair my...well you know where I'm going with this.
*SNICKER*
I'm sorry, but come on! You mean to tell me that even though she didn't even KISS this man it's considered an affair? Human beings are social creatures, meaning many connections will be made in our lives (some more meaningful than others). I don't advocate cheating, but hanging out together and talking about your feelings doesn't mean you're betraying your partner (whether you turn off your cell phones or not). One of my best friends is engaged. We hang out a lot, and during that time we tell each other everything. On two occasions we've shared a good cry. Does it mean we're having an "emotional affair"? His fiance doesn't think so. The term itself is such a reflection of our overuse of political correctness. These days we are fishing for things to get in an uproar about.
LW, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. On second thought maybe you owe yourself an apology for wasting your energy on this self absorbed goober.
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I'd apologize
I think you should apologize. Just tell the wife what happened and say that you're sorry for your part of it. Make sure you tell her that it was never adultery. End the social relationship with your former boss and tell her that you will have no social relationship with him in the future. If she yells at you or calls you names, hold your tongue, say "I'm sorry," again, and walk away.
After you do that, you've done all you can honestly do to repair the damage your emotional affair did. It cleans up your side of the street. Don't worry about whether he's manipulating his wife or using you or what. That's not your problem. Stay away from the guy. He sounds crazy and needy.
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Don't put anything in writing or in voicemail.
I honestly can't tell from your letter whether you have anything to apologize for. The fact that you never screwed Ex-boss means nothing to me. Even if you and Ex-boss hadn't had any conversations in person, but you had spent a lot of time online IM'ing each other little romantic/sexy messages, I'd consider that cheating. On the other hand, you weren't married, so you didn't commit adultery; he did.
If you feel sorry and you want to offer an apology, I would advise you to make it short and to deliver it verbally, in person, and under circumstances where you know you won't be taped (ie: don't give Wife too much advance notice of meeting, have the meeting in a safe place you can control), for a couple of reasons.
First, you have no idea if someone will use this information against you at some later date. Once you send the email, you have lost all control of it and its contents. Because Ex-boss and Wife were at some point talking divorce, you have no idea whether Wife is still thinking divorce and wants your involvement with Ex-boss in writing. You could get dragged into court (well, you could even if you don't offer an apology), and your options in defending yourself could be limited by whatever you write in an apology. If you ever apply for work with the federal government that requires a security clearance and extensive background check, this sort of admission could be very damaging. Wife might even decide to forward this email to all your acquaintances, all your ex-coworkers, who knows? In short, anything you write could be passed on to someone you would prefer not have access to your personal shortcomings.
Second, in comparison with verbal in-person expression, written expression is so much more susceptible to misinterpretation by the reader, and so your written apology could easily make matters worse. This situation in particular appears ripe for disaster because you have no idea what Ex-boss has told Wife about your relationship, nor, therefore, what Wife is likely expecting you to say in an apology. If your apology contains anything similar to your letter to Cary, I can only imagine that Wife will find it unsatisfying. Not that I think you necessarily have much to apologize for, but sometimes a half-hearted apology is worse than none at all, especially in a situation this tense.
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The Problem Is You Haven't Ended It
She had a relationship so messy it was a major reason she quit her job. His behavior was dramatice enough for her to tell him to get therapy. So why the hell is she still talking to him?
Her claim she "yanked myself out of the picture" isn't true until she ceases all contact except what is unavoidable.
I think the letter writer is still evading this issue by framing it as "an emotional affair" and "friendly contact" which minimizes her own responsibility, and makes it hard to face how it's still going on.
If this had been physical workplace affair, or even a normal dating situation, his intense freakout would be a clear danger sign he wouldn't get past the breakup unless all contact ended.
If this had been a longtime pal who confessed a crush, I could understand if she hoped they could go back to just friends.
But she changed her life to get away from this guy and he imploded. She needs to let it go. Cary hit it on the nose by calling it "conspiratorial intimacy" - prolonging the problem under the facade of distant friendship.
I'm sure some will lambast the LW for whatever flaws have led her to string this along. I just think she needs to admit it was a real affair, a real messy breakup and then she can really let it go.