Letters to the Editor
-
The way I see it
You had a friendship with your boss. You got along, you worked together, you had a few drinks. No harm done.
At some point, the friendship crossed the line from platonic to a serious relationship that was interfering with your relationship with your partner and his with his wife, even if you didn't do anything about it.
Then, you got out. Maybe, you should have got out earlier, but hey, we're all human and we all make mistakes. The thing is, you did the decent thing and got out and you didn't sleep with a married man.
You're a great person. If you feel obliged to apologize, apologize to ex-boss. Tell him you're sorry you didn't dump his pathetic ass long before you did.
-
You, apologize? Why only the guilty apologize.
And, dear LW, you are noble!!! Not guilty. See, there you are, going out with your boss again and both of you turning your cell phones off... so that you can hear each other better. Sure to the simple minded it may appear that you are, let's see, how did you put it? Oh, of course: "avoiding [your] own relationships." But the more self, er, shall we say "focused" of us can clearly see that what you are really doing is providing a community service, if you will, by listening to this emotionally AVAILABLE man. How noble, dear, dear, big hearted girl.
How dare the wife think that you did anything other than SAVE her marriage! You bowed out! You removed yourself from the competition, I mean situation! How noble of you! I dare say you saved their marriage TWICE! Once while offering him sage advice. By allowing this poor lost soul to bask in the glow of your wisdom and excellent judgement that that other slob couldn't seem to recognize at all! And you did it all out of the goodness of your own heart! There was nothing in it for you. Why I've NEVER met a woman who salivated at the prospect of a someone to "fix". And then to remove yourself!!! You were obviously the better woman and at least now she stands a chance!
You absolutely must force him to fess up to his wife how emotionally involved he was with you, because that would prove to one and all that you are not a harlot. Why a harlot would let this situation wind itself up until the poor fellow was having panic attacks! And then she'd brag about it covertly under the guise of asking for advice.
Oh, wait...
-
He's Karl Roving you
First, what does emotional affair mean? Perhaps I have an "emotional" affair with the nubile and talented Christian Bale. (OK, so he isn't part of it, and we haven't met and of course we are both married. Maybe it's just in my head, hmm. But I think about him. And the way he smiles and those teeth and ...)
oh
So LW,
If you didn't screw this person, you didn't have an affair. Get a grip and stay out of all contact with this manipulative, self-aggrandizing man! He was a mess and cried when you left your job? Your boss was acting like this at work? Anyway, what would you say to her?
"Gee, Debbie, I was hanging out with your husband and like, we were drinking and talking about you all the time and... well, you know, he was avoiding you with me and I just wanted to talk too and I am sorry!" D*** right you should be angry! This guy is a freak!
If your ex-boss is hounding you to apologize to the other half of his mess of a marriage, well, that's just way of spinning his own boundary issues. It's so outrageous, it's actually comedy! If his current job gets dull he can go work for Dubbya.
-
Don't Apologize
LW, I don't think you should apologize. Having an affair with a married man, whether it is physical or emotion, anything that can be labeled with the term "affair" really, is kind of a crappy thing to do, and I think you recognize this. However, the fault and the guilt lie with the married man, not you. He owes her something, while you owe her nothing. So, don't apologize. It seems like it's his junior high way of continuing the drama.
-
From the wives club
You didn't have sex with him? Then why play into his drama? It's clearly all about him and what he NEEDS and WANTS. He isn't thinking of you at all, probably never was.
Some friend.
So you made a boundary mistake! I am a wife and I'd forgive you... without an apology. My issue would be with my husband, not with you.
-
Wrong question
This part says it all:
"When I told him I was leaving my job, he became an emotional wreck, often having panic attacks, crying at work and asking me for advice about his marriage. It was uncomfortable, and I felt it was his way of guilt-tripping me for leaving."
The question you should be asking is not "should I apologize?" but "Why am I attracted to people like him?"
-
Reading between the lines
Dear LW,
Something no one has yet suggested...
I'll bet that the reason your ex-boss wants you to apologize is because he's come somewhat clean with his wife about your relationship (yes, that means they sit around blaming you) and she understandably harbors resentment toward you. This would not be a problem except that you and your ex-boss continue to communicate, and if the wife knows this, she is probably off the rails about it. Thus, the real reason the ex-boss wants you to email and apologize is he's hoping an apology from you to his wife will appease his wife so he can continue to see and talk to you without getting in trouble. He's also hoping an apology from you will make the meeting you three are about to attend more comfortable.
This fellow strikes me as spineless and cowardly. Take Cary's advice and be done with him - and his wife - socially (I realize you may still have to see each other at yearly functions for work). Do not apologize.
(To the posters who are wondering what an emotional affair is, it's when you are giving yourself - your time, energy, thoughts, emotions, etc. - to a person who isn't your partner INSTEAD of giving them to your partner. It's definitely a betrayal. More so, perhaps, than some short-lived physical affairs.)
Best of luck.