Letters to the Editor
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Just stay away from him and his wife.
Don't keep up any contact with him, not even platonic chit-chat. Thinking you can go back to that after what you've been through is like an alcoholic thinking she can go out for a couple beers without incident. It's unrealistic. You still have a relationship. Ending it means ENDING it. Sever all ties.
And don't even think about talking to his wife. I can guaran-goddamn-tee you that THIS is exactly what led up to his request:
Boss: "Would it make it better if I had LW apologize to you?"
Wife: "NO! I don't want to see or hear from that woman."
Boss: "C'mon, I bet you'll feel better if you hear it from her."
Wife: "I really, really won't."
Boss: "I think you're wrong. Let me talk to her. You'll see."
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@ Katymurta
I feel sexual tension all the time with other men. Guess what? I don't hang out with them.
Why?
Because I have a boyfriend.
What? !!!
I am sorry, but I just think that is appallingly sad and limiting. If I had spent my life only hanging out with women, I would have never understood men. I would only be able to write stories with women in them. I would never limit myself in that way for any relationship. I want to know men and women. Drunks and ministers. Intellectuals and roughnecks. Rich man, poor man, begger man, thief, doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs. My god, girl, there's a whole world out there. If you can't stand a bit of sexual tension without being at risk of dropping your drawers, you must be a lot hornier than I have ever been. ;)
I guess we will just have to agree to disagree. I would never make a committment like you describe. I would have been bored to tears.
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@AKAsmith
I think Avast2006 said it well in the earlier post.
As to you spending time with a colleague on a book, I would not call that cheating if your motives were pure.
My earlier posts talk about motives. And I told a story where a former boyfriend spent more time with another woman than with me and basically cheated on me, which is why I get inflamed over this issue. It wasn't just the amount of time (although that was a part of it). It was his motives--and hers. He copped to that eventually.
My gut was confirmed when they got together shortly after we broke up. Never again will I doubt my gut.
As to your question--no, never married and really don't care to be, quite frankly. I love my boyfriend and, maybe, someday we'll live together and/or get married. I am in no rush.
I believe in what Katharine Hepburn once said; 'Men and women shouldn't marry but live apart and visit each other once in awhile.'
So, yes, I value my space.
But--I believe in trust. And honor. I think what the LW (and her boss) did was wrong and highly dishonorable to his wife and the LW's bf.
BTW, I would never bitch about my bf to another man unless that man was purely, purely platonic...someone who was an old friend, with our boundaries well-established. Even then, I wouldn't do that unless I wanted a male perspective on an issue.
Ok, I enjoy this debate but I have to go now.....g'night!
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One last time to my debating buddy, AKAsmith
Not to sound cruel but maybe that is why I have a bf and you don't.
Not everyone is suited for a monogamous relationship.
Bored? Sometimes but it's not my partner's job to make me feel 'alive' and 'happy' and all of that. I'm not bored when I am tending to my own life. And trust me, I have a life!
I check in with him and he checks in with me and we talk about our day. We get together several times a week; talk, share secrets, make love, go to movies, etc.
In other words, I spent time with him to nurture our relationship. I don't spend time with other men I find attractive (unless it's in a work/social setting with others around) because that takes away from my relationship with the bf.
If I want to spend time with whomever I want, then I'd be single again. I'm in a relationship now so I have to take the other person into consideration.
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Cary, you're dead on here
Honestly, I have little to add here.
This is one of those things where yes, your participation in this 'affair' clearly injured her. But you are not the one who brought his marriage to the brink -- he did. You have no obligation to do right by his wife. An apology would likely ressurect her pain and cause drama that no one needs.
Cary is right. This is his way of dragging you back into his life. It's a ploy. Don't fall for it.
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what's an affair?
My former husband fell in love with other women with some regularity throughout our marriage. In the worst cases, he befriended and mentored them, pursued them, sent them passionate letters and emails, shared the most intimate details of his (and my) life with them, bought them gifts, arranged to meet in romantic places, kissed and caressed them, and told them repeatedly that he was in love with them but - couldn't leave his wife or have sex with them.
Why no sex? In part because he was insecure sexually and this arrangement kept him from having to expose that; in part because he was a religious conservative and interpreted his vow in a legalistic was as meaning "no sex;" and in part because that single boundary enhanced the thrill and tension of the relationship. The hoped for sex remained always a possibility, the longing for it and the denied gratification emotionally intensified the relationship.
Why no divorce? Partly because of his religious conservatism, but also because he thrilled at living a double life, having a secret life, separate from me. His being married was essential to the structure of these relationships - he needed the cover, but also the excuse (given to the other woman) for why he couldn't have a more complete relationship with her(he liked to talk about such complete relationships but was incapable of engaging in one).
Some on this list balk at calling this an affair, particularly an emotional affair. I often hesitate with the term as well. These relationships were passionate, consuming, exclusive and sexual yet there was never intercourse. The term "an affair" doesn't begin to express their meaning. Deeply hurtful, violating and deceitful certainly - but do we have a precise term?