Letters to the Editor
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Cary, what's wrong with a simple answer?
Why do you feel compelled to talk about the 'conspiratorial intimacy' between the LW and her boss? This couldn't be more irrelevant.
Taking the LW at her word, she did nothing wrong. And her boss has no right to make such a request. It's manipulative and wrong on so many levels I don't know where to start.
She owes this man nothing and his wife less than nothing. The only one who owes this woman an apology is her husband and the only proper answer for you to give the LW was a simple direct "No."
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Just don't call it an affair
Cause it's not! No body fluids exchanged? No affair.
Using the word affair is inappropriate. People get crushes, people lust after others, people spend time with crushes and take that time and intimacy away from their spouse. And yes, that can be wrong and threatening.
BUT it's not an affair. Everyone is lucky this was not an affair. Did it get dangerously close to an affair? Possibly.
It's a lot harder to recover from a legitimate affair (you would call it a "physical affair") than whatever the hell an "emotional affair" means. When did that phrase become invented, anyways, just out of curiousity?
Women will share all kinds of sordid details on their intimate relationships with their girlfriends. It's what we do. If a man spills his guts to a woman friend, why is it suddenly labeled an affair?
All I'm saying is that the situation your describing is not an affair. Just call it something different please, out of fairness to those who have experienced an affair.
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It's called an affair because....
the motives weren't platonic. They spent all of their free time together. He got jealous when she dated others.
It's pretty obvious to me that her boss wanted something to happen. And, even if he didn't want anything PHYSICAL to happen, he wanted the LW's emotional attachment.
How selfish.
The LW didn't act much better, in my book, but she did the right thing by finding another job and cutting things off. She should have cut things off with the boss COMPLETELY.
This isn't a friendship. It's an affair. You don't need sex to have an affair.
Let me make this clear: it's a violation of boundaries.
Just like there doesn't have to be intercouse for there to be sexual abuse, there doesn't have to be sex for an affair.
I feel sorry for his wife.
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Geez Looeez, Why Did You Not Get Intimate?
1. You might meet his wife and find out he told you all sorts of baloney about her. People do this. I was in love with somebody who was mad at her husband, but he seemed okay, and she went back to him, and now she never even sends me Christmas cards. By the end of the evening, you might like her better than you like him.
2. I you apologize in any way, she + everybody else will interpret that as an admission that you and he had a real physical affair. Do NOT apologize.
3. You should have boinked him. It would have been more fun, and this follow-up situation would have been much simpler.
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fwiw, it sounds like that "working on the marriage" thing isn't going very well ...
and he's lost his "backup plan" i.e. YOU.
The marriage was foundering ... he was unhappy ... so he spends great amounts of time bitching about his unhappy marriage with a female co-worker ... he's LETTING THE MARRIAGE FOUNDER ... he's waiting for her to call it quits so he's not the bad guy ...
now, he's hoping you will provide him with the alibi that it was your fault because you pursued him and were needy or whatever ...
so -- no, don't participate in his last ditch efforts to avoid community property ... but know he's likely going to be appearing soon on your doorstep ...
Lots of men (and women) like to have a "spare" who's "crazy about them" and endlessing interested in them (unlike their spouse/partner) ...
There's no reason married people can't have friends of the opposite sex ... but married people in foundering marriages are playing with "misery loves company" fire when they neglect their marriage while investing heavily in "someone else" ... or something else (like a new hobby) ...
From my knowledge of men (in particular), cultivating a "spare" for that inevitable moment when she throws you out ... to take you in, nurse your bruises and prevent you from ever being ALONE (a best male friend is likely to be less sympathetic, particularly if your wife is a decent sort) -- golden -- those relationships rarely blossom, in fact often fade quickly, as the call of the "singlehood" beckons.
You should think a thought or two about YOUR FUTURE.
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I've been there...
I had an emotional affair with a co-worker several years ago. I was married; he was not in a relationship at the time. At around the same time that I got divorced, he started seeing someone that he is now married to, and we had a huge fight. The situation was very painful for me at the time, but it was important to maintain a working relationship because neither one of us wanted to give up our jobs. For the record, things are pretty good with us now.
So, first of all, I sympathize. Even if you didn't have a physical relationship, these scars can take a while to heal, but they will, if you minimize your contact with him.
Seeing him together with his wife may be inevitable sometimes. Try to be civil to both of them and keep the conversation as brief as possible at these points. My "emotional ex's" new wife knows of my past with her husband and doesn't really like me, but I try to be respectful to her and to their marriage vow by making our contacts as brief as possible.
If you still need to have a work/networking relationship with him, that's tough, but it can be done. I'd recommend involving a couple of other colleagues in your gatherings so that things can stay professional.
About the apology--that's ridiclous, in my opinion. Why would you rub this painful thing in the face of his wife?
Finally, don't feel too guilty--what's important is that you did the right thing and cut things off with this married guy. Keep up the good work and don't let yourself get sucked back in through some sort of contrived apology or anything else.