Letters to the Editor
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Terminology, okay.
I guess the reason I get my fuse lit over this is the idea that "It isn't an affair" or "it isn't cheating" tends to imply that whatever it is that is going on doesn't actually need to stop. No matter what we choose to call it (I have no problem with "unconsummated affair," btw), there is something at work undermining the primary relationship. The idea of "no sex, no undermining" is naive. Otherwise people would not leave their marriages to be with their cyberchat partners.
I agree that it needs to be about coming to terms on boundaries. Some people make unreasonable demands. Example: "You are allowed to talk to your opposite sex friend once a month, and no more." It is not necessarily cheating to not agree to that, though it would be cheating to agree and then sneak in extra calls. Other marriages have wide-open boundaries (e.g., "open marriages") in which some activities are permissable, and others are still out of bounds. Even in an open marriage, it's still possible to make your spouse feel insecure.