Letters to the Editor
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You define yourself
You can define yourself as the girl who peed in her pants in third grade. You can define yourself as the girl who won the spelling bee in fifth grade (or whatever similar achievement). You can define yourself as a great singer or a woman too shy to sing.
It's your choice. Once you realize this, great freedom opens.
How to overcome your memory? Just realize we've all have horribly embarrassing incidents. Peed in our pants, vomited in school, tampon or pad overflowed, drooled, farted at the wrong moment, you name it. You don't remember seeing anyone else in the same straits. Why? Because you forgot all about it. How many of your third grade classmates remember that you peed in your pants? I guarantee you the number is very, very low, if it's not zero.
So be the girl who peed in her pants. Or consign that memory to the dim recesses of your mind and be the singer with a great voice.
You choose.
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Malusinka
I have a friend, believe it or not.
She and I can gulp air, fart,
but she bust me up to sing,
her burps into the air.
Malusinka sings too.
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you're gonna be OK
You seem to be pretty insightful about yourself, how you work, what influences have affected you, why you do the things you do.
You have more self-understanding than a lot of people, much less someone in their early 20s (guessing here). So you are WELL on your way to a happy peaceful grounded life. good for you
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things will get easier if you keep trying
Only after reading your letter did I think back and say, hey, I used to be kind of like that. When I was younger, I was very shy and insecure, and always worried about what others thought. I came to the US from another country, and I was so worried about my accent that I hardly spoke in high school. I was also afraid of approaching guys and talking to them.
The good news is that over time things change, and now I do things like public speaking that I would have never imagined myself doing, let's say, ten years ago.
The things that helped me change? First was recognizing that while I cared a lot about what people thought of me and of my own insecurities, other people are wrapped up in their own problems. They also worry about being liked, what you think of them, etc. People are not constantly judging you and your behavior - they have their own issues to deal with.
Because I tend to be naturally more hesitant to take action in life, I've also realized that I regret more often not doing something rather than doing something. This means that if I want to do something, I make myself go for it, and see what happens. I don't think I can remember a time when I truly regretted it.
You describe the situation with a guy friend who wants you to play music with him, and your concerns around that. Let me tell you, you should absolutely play music with him. Maybe he likes you as a friend, maybe he thinks you're cute, or maybe he needs somebody to play music with to make him happy. None of these are negative outcomes for you. You mention that you want to learn how to interact with guys without falling for them. That will come with time, and you will only learn it by interacting with guys. So go for it. The worst that can happen is that he asks you out. What's bad about that? Remember, since he asked you to play, he must find you attractive or likable already in some way.
My last piece of advice is to think of every experience as an opportunity to live life to the fullest, and not as a pass/fail test. If you remain frozen by fear, your life will be less full. Every time you go out into the world and try something that scares you, you will become a better person for it, and next time you will have the experience/judgement to do better in a similar situation. That's how life works - we learn from experience.
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Just do it
Cary's response is very eloquent and valid, much to ponder. But the fact is, you have to just do it.
Yes, the more you can separate your creative life from your paramours the better, but baby steps, baby steps.
Once you have broken through the discomfort zone, you will find it easier. It may never be 100% easy, but it will be easier.
Take opportunities to sing wherever you can find them. Don't worry that you can't play an instrument well or know enough songs. Learn some popular songs, but nobody knows every song in the world.
You may wish to concentrate on a genre initially and seek out other people interested in that genre through Meetup groups and other internet sources.
So, sing.
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Dear Everybody
Sweet Spazzy Pee Girl,
You sing, honey. You get up there and open that throat and sing and realize that this is the entire purpose of this synchronicity in your life, and way more important than The Boy. Or your shyness.
I wish I could hear you sing! I think it's going to bring you more joy than you can imagine. I think it's going to change you forever. I think one day I'll hear an extraordinary voice on NPR and it'll be you, and I'll not know that, but I'll know, that person sure didn't waste her life.
Brother Cary,
This is the first time in my life that I have read such an exact description of how I felt throughout elementary school. Thank you so so much. To me, this was transcendently true.
(Add to the roster being daily, regularly rejected with razor remarks by my female peers, starting around age 6...and you've got it. I didn't pee. I was too dehydrated from terror and grief.) Today, I'm rich in friends. They are often confused by how much I love them.
Gratefully,
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oh, but aren't we all spazzy
Dear Spazzy Pee Girl,
Nice to meet you. ;) To show solidarity, I once had a bout of diarrhea at my desk in third grade. I carried my dirty underwear in a brown bag to my father, who had come to bring me a change of clothes afterwards. The humiliation and mortification was intense.
I don't really think of that often. I don't feel like it was a big part of the childhood that left me damaged. But I understand how you feel.
This is perhaps the first time that I really think Cary avoided one of the important issues. I agree with what he has said, but I think something got missed in here.
You write: "but if I let him see this deepest side of myself and he doesn't think it's any good, I'd be crushed."
To my eye, this was the most important part of your letter. More important than being spazzy, or having a bladder control problem. This speaks deeply to experiences I have in the world. People in my close circle of friends talk about the concept of secrecy a lot, about why keeping certain parts of ourself secret is important. Why we don't always share the deepest parts of ourselves, and you have just pegged the reason.
When a person has an experience that is deeply meaningful to them, whether it be spiritual, creative, emotional, or other, that experience changes them. Too often in this world, when we share those experiences our audience will smirk and say "That's all?" or "I don't get it." or "What's special about that?"
We go "huh?" and then we feel dejected. We have shared this immensely beautiful moment of our lifes experience, and this person has devalued it, judged it wanting, and denied our right to the beauty of the experience. How DARE they? How dare people take those special moments away from us like that? But they do dare. They do it daily.
They still do it. I admire Cary deeply. Almost every day he shares beautiful and meaningful experiences from his life. He shares them in hope that they will be meaningful and helpful guideposts to the people who've written to him for advice. Every day, dozens of people try to devalue his experience. They tell him, verbosely, that his experience is invalid, irrelevant, and unhelpful. Cary's strength of purpose and strength of character in recognizing the value of his own experience despite these detractors is an inspiration to me.
So your fear is valid. It's a fear we have to carry around. It helps us set boundaries. Setting those boundaries helps us be mindful of those special experiences. It keeps those special experiences in a special place of our mind, a place that gives them value and meaning and power.
So you have to find a balance between sharing your gift with the world, and keeping some special part of that gift for yourself. I do agree with Cary, as a creative myself, you can not deny your gift. So ask yourself if you can play and sing with this man and hold on to the special feeling. Make it clear to him that your music is special to you, and that you share it reluctantly. Let him know that you are trusting him, and that you want to share it organically.
If this guy is the guy you describe him to be, he understands. The fact that he is encouraging you tells me he probably already understands, but you need to let him know your feelings anyway. It's part of raising your hand and letting him know you have to go to the bathroom. Let him know you have to sing, and it might be embarassing for him to know that you have to sing, but you have to sing anyway.