Letters to the Editor
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oh, but aren't we all spazzy
Dear Spazzy Pee Girl,
Nice to meet you. ;) To show solidarity, I once had a bout of diarrhea at my desk in third grade. I carried my dirty underwear in a brown bag to my father, who had come to bring me a change of clothes afterwards. The humiliation and mortification was intense.
I don't really think of that often. I don't feel like it was a big part of the childhood that left me damaged. But I understand how you feel.
This is perhaps the first time that I really think Cary avoided one of the important issues. I agree with what he has said, but I think something got missed in here.
You write: "but if I let him see this deepest side of myself and he doesn't think it's any good, I'd be crushed."
To my eye, this was the most important part of your letter. More important than being spazzy, or having a bladder control problem. This speaks deeply to experiences I have in the world. People in my close circle of friends talk about the concept of secrecy a lot, about why keeping certain parts of ourself secret is important. Why we don't always share the deepest parts of ourselves, and you have just pegged the reason.
When a person has an experience that is deeply meaningful to them, whether it be spiritual, creative, emotional, or other, that experience changes them. Too often in this world, when we share those experiences our audience will smirk and say "That's all?" or "I don't get it." or "What's special about that?"
We go "huh?" and then we feel dejected. We have shared this immensely beautiful moment of our lifes experience, and this person has devalued it, judged it wanting, and denied our right to the beauty of the experience. How DARE they? How dare people take those special moments away from us like that? But they do dare. They do it daily.
They still do it. I admire Cary deeply. Almost every day he shares beautiful and meaningful experiences from his life. He shares them in hope that they will be meaningful and helpful guideposts to the people who've written to him for advice. Every day, dozens of people try to devalue his experience. They tell him, verbosely, that his experience is invalid, irrelevant, and unhelpful. Cary's strength of purpose and strength of character in recognizing the value of his own experience despite these detractors is an inspiration to me.
So your fear is valid. It's a fear we have to carry around. It helps us set boundaries. Setting those boundaries helps us be mindful of those special experiences. It keeps those special experiences in a special place of our mind, a place that gives them value and meaning and power.
So you have to find a balance between sharing your gift with the world, and keeping some special part of that gift for yourself. I do agree with Cary, as a creative myself, you can not deny your gift. So ask yourself if you can play and sing with this man and hold on to the special feeling. Make it clear to him that your music is special to you, and that you share it reluctantly. Let him know that you are trusting him, and that you want to share it organically.
If this guy is the guy you describe him to be, he understands. The fact that he is encouraging you tells me he probably already understands, but you need to let him know your feelings anyway. It's part of raising your hand and letting him know you have to go to the bathroom. Let him know you have to sing, and it might be embarassing for him to know that you have to sing, but you have to sing anyway.