Letters to the Editor
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There's a name for what you went through...
What you describe sounds very much like growing up with a parent who has Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These personality disorders are insidious, as they're rarely diagnosed and often untreatable. People who have this disease refuse to see their illness, and continue to rage at anyone around them who doesn't comply with their twisted perspective.
Anyone in your position would be angry. Nobody deserves to be beaten down and robbed of their emotions, their very selves. It might help to find a therapist who specializes in treating BPD/NPD or children of BPDs. There are online support groups and lots of good books on this topic.
Getting angry is an important first step.
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Anger as pain turned outwards; empowerment helps to end legitimate anger
Cary's advice is wonderful. I think you need to get to the root of the pain that causes your anger. From re-reading your letter, I'm guessing that the feelingings of helplessness causes the anger and the depression. You don't seem to feel empowered afterwards.
Learning ways to feel empowered will help you to stop lashing out. Lashing out is from fear and anger. When you feel that you can control an outcome, that you have agency, that you have power, you will find the temper melting away.
Go to a therapist, and try a martial art. It gives you a feeling of centeredness and power. It will help you face bullies with calm. Ju jitsu (Gracie brothers style) might be the thing for you, because it emphasizes using anger, power and balance against bigger, stronger opponents. Once you do not fear the opponent, it is easier to not get angry.
As for the supermarket- you did the work of angels there. The clerk should have called security, and refused to check the bully out. Bullies do what they do because they get away with it. Dude will think twice before cutting you.
As for the weight of all women, forget about that. I don't think I should be accountable for Britney's behavior. People who try to stereotype or who indulge in "grouping" deserve the opportunities lost. After all, we don't judge all men by the likes of Tommy Lee or Charles Manson. Neither should we judge all women on the likes of Catherine McClintock or Jenna Jameson.
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Abusive fathers
Lots of letters here from people who had abusive or bad-tempered fathers. Now I understand this very well, because my own father is a very difficult man and his strange values and beliefs and behaviors all contributed to shaping the man I am today, if only through the process of rebelling against him and all he stood for. But at the same time we cannot completely ignore that we may have inherited many of the same traits, undesirable as well as desirable, that our parents had.
All four of my grandparents were dead before I was born, and all died younger than I am today, yet sometimes I wish I had known them. I wonder how I would have dealt with the moment of death as they did. Would I have been brave? I don't know, but although I did not know them, I feel that in some way I am them living again, which in a genetic sense I am.
But look folks. Lots of us had parents who were inadequate in some manner, and because they were the first adults we knew, they had the capacity to shape us when we were small and weak and powerless , and they did not always exercise their powers wisely. They scarred us, maimed us, twisted us out of shape. But they also gave life to us, fed us and clothed us, taught us to speak English, use the potty, feed ourselves, and various other useful skills.
At some point we just have to say goodbye to childhood and take our values from the wider society and culture, to move outside the home, to be inspired by literature, music, art, history, popular culture, the institutions of our society, our religions etc.
Read Sartre's play Les Mouches in which an existentialist Orestes, avenges the death of his own father by killing his mother and her lover. In the Aeschylus version of the story, Orestes is pursued by the Furies and goes mad, though eventually is aquitted of his crime. In Sartre's twist on the story, Orestes declared himself to be his own man, accepts responsibility for his own deeds, and refuses to be pursued by the past, thus exercising his freedom to be an autonomous adult.
Too many of us allow ourselves to be controlled by our parents, even when we have become chronologically adults.
I don't know what the answer is, but I don't think getting a "therapist" will do most people much good, because most therapist are no good. I am sure there are a few who are geniuses, but most of them are just products of society who have no more or no less to offer than Cary Tennis, me, or anyone else here for that matter. We are all human beings, we all have some knowledge and experience of the joys and pains of living on this planet in this country at this time.
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I resemble that remark
Except that the roles of the father and mother were reversed; the author of this letter could be me.
Scary
I tried to blame it on perimenopause, but the truth is....I'm just sick of being a doormat.
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Your anger is a gift!
Your anger is not this terrible part of you that needs to be shelved. You've been down that road already, and it's gotten you nowhere. Your anger is a gift. Why? Because it means that you are aware of your worth as a person, one who deserves courtesy and respect. Anger signals that you're awake and it's a new day. Seek help in managing it. Learn how to use it.
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Needing an editor
I grew up being verbally belittled by my family and then kicked around the schoolyard as a kid. My family continued to belittle me, but I got less invested in being "nice".
When I was 13, I met a brassy girl who got on my last nerve. I pushed her out of the chair. When she hit the floor, she said, "Its about DAMN time!" From her, I learned how to use words to defend myself. We're still friends 35 years later.
One thing I have noticed about people from my background as well as the LWs background is that sometimes that liberating anger is a re-creation of the abuse they recieved. Be very very careful about how you assert yourself, especially when and if you have children. Don't do it to them, otherwise you are perpetuating a cycle.