Letters to the Editor
-
A practical note
Dear LW,
I don't think you're wrong. I do think that you should be aware of other people's propensity for violence, and that the intensity of a confrontation may not be under your control. This may leave you injured or in legal difficulty. I suggest the calm and even use of such responses as 'no' and 'I'm not doing that.' If that fails, then close the discussion; if possible, leave without making further comment. (I know that this will not solve all such situations, but I have found just saying no to be pretty powerful; Nancy Reagan has her uses after all.)
The most important thing (for me anyway) is to remain in control of the situation. Once screaming starts you're in an arms race, and the danger to your person is enhanced.
Though I am a man, I do not think that this is an opinion that I have specially devised for women; it is what I am myself doing.
Good Luck!
-
a suggestion
LW, here's a practice you may find useful in changing your aggressive behavior without going back to being meek -- after something like this happens and you've calmed down, review (in a dispassionate way that doesn't focus on guilt and self-loathing) what happened during the incident and decide what would have been the most ideal, appropriate and useful response. By that, I mean a response that would have allowed you to express what you needed to express in order to feel the most ok and the least regretful about the incident, but that wouldn't have been inappropriately aggressive. If there wasn't one (and sometimes there's not), make a mental note of that too and figure out what the next best thing would have been.
Best of luck to you. It's hard and scary, but it sounds like you are embarking on a journey of great personal growth.
-
I'm Shocking My self By Saying This But
Take Cary's advice--he actually gave some today. See a therapist. Talk, in a safe environment, about the anger you felt at your dad, the anger you felt at your mom for not protecting you from this abusive man. Maybe, if you get that far, even the anger you might feel at your grandfather or grandmother, who taught your OWN father that the way that families work is that one is the bully and the rest are the victims.
Then, when all that anger is on the table, you may be able to talk about how angry you are at yourself for allowing people to do to you what your mother allowed to be done to herself, to your siblings, to you. THEN you can heal--a wound that is covered will fester and grow deadly, but one that is opened, washed clean and protected can heal.
Next, you need to learn how to express anger in a healthy way. It took me years to get there. I did fine when my kids were little. I was able to be firm yet kind, deal with the stresses of their father's alcoholism, go through a horrific divorce and protect them from the worst of his behavior. But as they approached their teen years, and I approached menopause, the combination of my own upbringing, the pressure of raising four kids alone, with an absentee father who delighted in teaching them to disrespect me, and the modeling of my own parents' yelling during my teen years combined with the emotional rollercoaster of my hormonal fluctuations, and I started yelling, too.
It took a LOT to get over it. It took yelling in the car, instead of the house. It took learning not to look at every smartalecky comment as a threat to my authority. It took understanding that the broken record response gets better results than the raised voice. And, finally, it took a real true knowledge that people who love each other can misunderstand, can disagree and can walk away from the misunderstanding, laugh at the disagreement and still love each other, because a household where people are laughing is SO much nicer than one where people are yelling.
Treat yourself gently, but learn new lessons. The ones from your childhood are serving you badly. The entire world is not composed of bullies and victims; those roles are not the only choices available to you.
-
I'm not a shrink, but...
a radical change in behavior like this requires checking out.
Major outbursts, not just hissy fits, even when morally justified, can be destructive to one's employment, friendships, marriage. In extreme cases -- threats, punch in the nose -- it can get one in trouble with the law.
Days ago I learned of an acquaintance who was found to have a brain tumor. He had been exhibiting signs of "organicity" in his behavior before it was discovered.
-
Wow. This is me too. (Male version)
I'm the "nice guy." The first to walk away from a dangerous situation. The first to apologize or diffuse a situation with humor. The first to try to make peace in a heated arguement. When I disagree with someone, I start by saying things like, "You make a lot of good points..." even if the person is a complete idiot. I greet other people's rage with silence. I'm polite. I'm an "easy person to get along with" even if I can't fucking stand anything about you.
The few times I have allowed myself to get angry (or at least righteously indignant), I have frightened myself with my capacity for rage and its violent potential. What starts off as a level-headed expression of anger slips away into a red-faced screaming string of obscenities with fists clenched and every intention of pummeling the other person into a bloddy stump.
Needless to say, this is completely unacceptable and has made me further repress any attempt to express myself. I self-medicate with marijuana now and that seems to help and I exercise everyday to channel my daily outrages into something productive.
Anyway, your letter was very familiar to me. My only suggestion is for you to find a hobby that redirects your anger. Boxing. Jogging. Cycling. Discgolf. Guitar. Drums. Whatever. Becoming a childish bully with a short fuse clearly isn't the answer. Good luck.