Letters to the Editor
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Aggression can be tempered into assertion
Cary's compass points out a great direction here and I totally agree with everyone who said you are just starting where you left off, that's all. Practically speaking, get a fun, easy therapist who can help you quickly acquire the full range of anger skills to help you transition from aggression to assertion. Assertion is the most amazing feeling and supports compassion and humor. I went to a Buddhist satsang where people were invited to speak/share and the first people who took a turn spoke of their pain and suffering. It was almost like a wave of energy. Some silence. Another set of individuals starting speaking of how they were 'almost there' but they suffered with fits of old behaviors they didn't want in their lives anymore. One woman spoke of the anger she felt driving... how badly she thought other people drove in traffic and how upset she was that she still struggled with anger. The wise dude who was the reason everybody gathered that day said a great thing... he said 'be angry' because you need to be or you wouldn't be, but he asked her to first allow her anger to be expressed immediately upon entering her car before even starting the engine... just to sit there and get her anger on, swear, pound the steering wheel, whatever it takes and then drive. She and all of us were just stunned into silence and after a full minute of quiet everyone burst out laughing because the idea was so funny (sorry life is really a you-had-to-be-there but trust me at that moment it was hilarious) on the heels of so much earnest self-improvement. After the laughter passed around, the 'third set' spoke and mostly told jokes. Then everybody ate good food. I think about that day several times a year, but I bet that lady thinks about it at least once a week just after she gets in her car. Blessed be.
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I highly recommend therapy and assertiveness training
Therapy to really let all the anger at father and anger at mother and anger at self out where you can take a good look at it and begin to recover and heal from it.....and assertiveness training to learn really simple, socially acceptable techniques for dealing with many of life's little difficulties.
I did these things and benefitted greatly. And later, when you have it more under control, you might want to check out thich nhat hanh (vietnamese buddhist monk) on anger and loving kindness. that really helped me a lot.
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Anger is a good sign
The image Cary paints of the broken window and the police and the grounded feeling that you know is the right part of the wrong reaction resonates very strongly with me. This is the type of column I hope to read -- one that resonates, inspires, helps me sharpen my focus.
I hope the LW finds the help shd needs to uncover what is beneath that anger, lets her release it, and allows her enjoy of the experience of being unburdened. I'm on my third cycle of anger with my partner. This one is stronger but more clear than the first two. LW shouldn't be surprised if it takes a few passes to clear trauma as deep set as hers.
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I thought Cary's insights were tremendous
Just remember one more thing: You don't have to perfect for things to turn out all right.
When you were a child, you had to remain perfectly still, or else. You had to do everything your mother asked you to do, to prevent chaos from breaking out, maybe even to prevent your father from striking (and KILLING?) your mother. (As you can probably tell, this feeling is not entirely unfamiliar to me, either.)
The stakes really aren't that high. Maybe that's why the image of the broken flower pot and the police arriving stays with me. I'm thinking that as poetic as it was, and essentially innocent for most of us, it may not have been the best image to present to you. (For most of us, a worst case scenario is somewhat comical, and reminds us that even the very worst case isn't insurmountable.)
Remember, you don't have to be perfect. You can get really mad and say and do some very stupid things, and then apologize, sincerely, and explain that you've been a little testy lately. For the vast majority of people, the memory of someone else's angry tirade won't last through a good night's sleep. Nor will the harm. It all looks so much better in the morning -- for most people.
From what you've written, I see that wasn't how it was for you, LW. So, step back, exhale, and try to take in the big picture. But whatever else you may do, please give yourself a break. You've deserved one for a damn long time.
Oh, and a P.S.: I'm so glad you let that guy in the supermarket have it. Better for the little boy to see his father composed, and a lady (mother figure) stand up for them both. See? You're not doing all THAT badly.
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Physical control
LW, since your body and mind are connected, you'll have a much easier time following the advice of everyone else here if you find a type of workout that you enjoy and can do regularly, if you don't already do so. Make it a tough exercise! Running, kickboxing, boxing, martial arts are all good choices. Maybe avoid sports that involve kicking or throwing, at least in the beginning.
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kicking a ball
whoops--to clarify, I meant kicking a ball on a field, which when coupled with an out-of-control aggressor can mean bruised shins & ankles for others!
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Keep screaming. Most people have it coming.
Don't put up with anyone's bullshit.
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Learning
Off-hand, I'd guess you learned more from your childhood than just how to be meek. You also learned (from watching your father) how to be abusive. These are two things you learned from your childhood, so they're deeply buried in your instincts - upon overcoming the one, of course it's the other that comes out of you next.
It is quite possible to be assertive without exploding, screaming, and/or otherwise carrying on and losing control. In fact, it's almost always more effective to be calm and firm.