Letters to the Editor
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Making peace with genetics.
Dear LW,
My father was exactly the same as your father. Like you, I learned from my mother to bottle up my hurt, don't show you're emotion, pretend it doesn't matter. It did matter, a lot.
As I progressed through adulthood, I had uncomfortable relationships with male authority figures. I was defensive. I didn't believe that my (older male) boss could find me a valuable colleague and would want to be on friendly terms with me. I worked hard to change this, and to see my father for the whiney, petulant, bully-child that he was, but he still had the power to wound me. Twenty years of behavioral conditioning is hard to shake off. When he died I confess to feeling relieved. I thought he couldn't affect me any more.
However, I have inherited his temper. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm being nasty, I just see the shocked look on people's faces as they react to my comments. Once again, I have to work hard to recognize and change my behaviors, and then change the perception of myself that I have created in others.
Genetics does play a role in behavior. People like us get a double whammy - both nature and nurture conspire to mold us into being a person we don't like. But I believe we can mold ourselves in a different way. It is really hard work, like an injured person doing physical therapy to learn to walk again. We won't get public kudos and nobody will call us a "hero" they way they laud the physically injured, but I think we're heroes.
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learn the blank stare
The blank stare is a wonderful tool when dealing with a tool. You really want to yell,"What the fuck are you thinking? You can't be serious!" Instead, say nothing. No facial expression. Just a blank stare. It will actually calm you down as you stare at the douchebag standing in front of you.
And don't answer if the person asks,"What?" Just the blank stare.
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LW, you might yell at the wrong person.
LW, you're story is sympathetic, but you need to keep in mind that while you might be damaged goods (on the road to recovery, we hope), the world is full of damaged goods, many of whom are dangerous. You might yell at someone who is a hair trigger away from going berserk, on you. They might do it with their fists, or they might pull out a knife or a gun. Or maybe they'll take a big jar from out of their shopping cart and throw it at your head with all their might.
Or maybe they might yell back at you, and you yourself will snap violently. Either way, the results for you would be horrendous.
Save your righteous anger for life or death situations. In the meantime, just do this: keep your mouth closed. Let your eyes blaze if you must, but stay silent. Then walk away while you collect yourself. Revenge is a dish best served cold. If you feel ill-treated by someone, wait until your heart stops racing and your body feels calm, and then complain in an intelligent and cool manner. You will be more effective, and you'll spare yourself from self-criticism and the possibility of serious injury and/or trouble with the police.
Best of luck.
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Advice
I don't quite get all the love that you are getting here.
In my experience, the type of hissy fits that you describe are a sign of personal powerlessness. Only the powerless feel the need to yell at a manager, flare their noses, hiss, scream, whatever... You're demonstrating as much powerlessness in your screaming as you did in your silence, only now you've lost control of yourself as well as control of the situation.
There is a middle ground here. You need to work on assertiveness. It is possible to say "Excuse me, but..." and follow it up with a complaint. Not every thoughtless, stupid thing that people do is personal. Never attribute to malice what can be written off to stupidity. Practice backing down on the anger while speaking up about what your concerns are in a calm, rational way.
Both my husband and I grew up in very violent, drunk homes. We have a couple of rules in our house: 1) If you're yelling about something, you're wrong. Even if you're right, you're still wrong. 2) If you don't ask for what you want, you don't get to be pissed off because you didn't get it.
You need to learn to ask without yelling. This comes with practice.
In the meantime, hard aerobic exercise will take the edge over whatever burning resentments are chewing you up. I would also recommend a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward -- it's very validating.
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About that supermarket incident:
LW, you know what I suspect might have angered you most of all about that supermarket incident? The mute cashier. Remind you any of your mute mother, not jumping in to handle an unpleasant situation? The only thing is, that low-paid cashier is probably grateful for the job, has been told not to get emotional with customers, and had no choice but to keep quiet.
But here's the thing about taking up for strangers: A lot of people just don't like "scenes." Your yelling may have upset the dad (and his kid) more than the rudeness of the rude guy. Lots of people don't really want a storeful of customers turning around to stare at them. The other thing is -- and I'm a woman so I get to say this: I think most men would find it very emasculating to have some young woman in a store fighting a battle for them, even a sympathetic one. I personally think you'd have been better off offering some kind word to the father and his kid, rather than going off on the rude guy. (And to the previous poster's point, you really don't know which scary stranger is going to get even with you in the parking lot.)
But I understand you weren't really thinking this through, and that is the point of your letter: that you feel out of control. But maybe thinking through these things after the moment of heat has died down will help program your mind for better (and safer) responses in situations to come.