Letters to the Editor
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Great answer, but one question...
Cary was right on the money with his recommendation that you talk to people who have been where you are now. I am curious why he only suggested opening your heart and soul to people you meet at parties or at bars who seem to be drinking club soda. This could end up being a wonderful road to gaining understanding, but what an enormous challenge to make that leap with a near-stranger! I know that I couldn't do it, certainly not while I was first wrestling with my problem, which was different from your in its specifics but identical in its essence. Every city in the world, and certainly any university city in the United Kingdom, will have many many AA meetings running at any time, and they will be listed in any phone book or on the web. I found my first life-changing 12 Step Meeting by typing three keywords into Google; I was sitting silently in the back of a room in a church fifteen minutes later. Possibly Cary doesn't want to appear to be a booster for any one organization, and that's probably a good thing--but there is a reason why one of the A's in AA stands for Anonymous. Your letter is so open and honest that possibly you would not have a problem reaching out in the way Cary recommends. But if that would be as hard for you as it would be for me, give Google a try.
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Sobriety, not moderation, is the solution to a drinking problem.
Do you have a drinking problem? Admit it and you've taken the First Step to recovery!
Blame it on the genes or the environment (ie. parents, the war, the weather, etc.), but alcoholics drink because we like to get drunk, inspite of the disasterous results. We're not wired like your heavy social drinker. If you don't want your life to go down the crapper (or even if you do) ask recovering people how they've done it.(We don't say "recovered" because that would imply that we may now casually sip alcohol, which any addictionologist will tell you almost never happens).
Abstinence is not sobriety. What you'll get is an uptight whiteknuckle dry drunk (like GWB). One writer says "be leery of AA", with no particular explanation, nor expertise on the subject, but when you're desperate enough to drop your ego, stop thinking that you're terminally unique, and become teachable, the collective wisdom of AA just might work. Don't knock it until you've tried it (long term). Study and practice sobriety (your life, or at least your life quality may depend on it) with the same intensity that you devote to your Ph.D. Get your ass to an AA meeting and get a sponsor.
22 years sober and don't miss the sloshy dinner party scene.
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I am a problem drinker
I generally drink more than I should. So, what do I do? I set rules. I do not drink during the week. I drink on Friday and Saturday nights. I sometimes allow myself to drink more than I should, but not during the week.
Start with one night a week. Drink tea, not wine. Find interesting and pleasant teas to drink. You will find that tea is just as good as alcohol at enticing the taste buds. After one safe night is established, move to two.
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Oh Dear, What Horrid Advice Some People Have
The only advice that I have for you is this: if you think that you have a drinking problem, you do.
If you are craving alcohol, and regularly finishing off bottles of wine all by your lonesome, you have a problem.
The good news is this. NOBODY requires alcohol as a part of a healthy diet. EVERYthing that you can get from a glass--not a bottle--of red wine you can get from grape juice, except for the ETOH.
I was married for 14 years to an alcoholic. I watched him quit, decide that he had it licked and could just have one, start drinking more heavily, and finally be out of control AGAIN more times than I could count. He was a good, intelligent, loving person when we met. The need for the alcohol, and the damage that it did to him, his personality and his health, turned him into a selfish ass, old before his time. He comes from very long lived people on both sides of his family--except for the drinkers. I fully expect him to die before his time. Yes, he still drinks.
At 57, he looks older than my 75 year old father in law.
I know that you are under stress and that you have mental illness in your genes. Do what you need to get healthy. And that includes just saying NO to the alcohol, today. That's all. Just today. And if you can string a series of "just today's" together, you will have your life back. I wish you the best.
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Addictive Personality
{And do, as one other respondent here has already said, be leery of AA. While there are thousands of wonderful "cure" stories there are also thousands of AA addicts who can't function without the Program.}
Finally! After reading through all the replies someone got it right! This is very true. Although AA does work for some, it is strictly in my personal experience it is simply switching one addiction for another = 90 meeting in 90 days oy bloody vey! Puh-leeze!
{There is no tapering off nor cutting back, though, for the alcoholic. Those who advise you to simply not drink so much are not doing you any favors. Booze is not necessary to life and sometimes it is just the opposite: inimical to life. You sound very much like someone with a serious alcohol addiction problem.}
Brillant! Like with all addictions whether it be food, drugs, booze, sex, gambling, shopping, there is no such thing as just a little. It is absolutely black and white. My mother died of it and I stopped cold turkey 20 years ago when I couldn't just have ONE. Sure, I could go weeks - months without any, but could I ever just have one, hell no!
There are dozens upon dozens of falsehoods out there and depending on whether you actually want to stop or not you'll believe all of them! It's only beer, it's not as though I
lost my job or house. Those are called "functioning alcoholics".
In conclusion, my suggestion is this. READ up on the addictive personality. Read everything you can about it. You'll find it involves so much more than just drinking and you will see yourself in so many ways. It's an entire behavior. And once you do you will be able to spot others miles away - identical to gaydar. We have issues of control, massive manipulators, some tend to be perfectionists (the reason why we are such consummate workers) depression and anxiety quite often goes hand and hand with the disease (which came first) - simply put, our minds, unlike others knows no moderation - everything we do we tend to do in excess. Hence why we can't have just one of anything opposed to others who don't suffer with this. Yes it is hereditary and YES it most certainly is progressive. IF you are able to stop now, do so and never, ever, ever go back. If you think stopping was hard the first time it only gets ten times worse the second third and fourth times. I tell myself it's like death and I will never again be able to see the person who died. Their gone, never ever to return. Out of my life for good. Cut and dry but most say I have extraordinary will power, I say phooey. You use the exact same strength it took you to drink and simply invert it not
to. Think of it as being diabetic. It can and will most definitely kill you. Lastly, keep in mind it takes quite some time for the brain to start re-functioning properly again so my strongest advice is to seek a psychiatrist who specializes soley in addiction. But you must read up on the addictive personality itself and GET THE HELL OUT OF ENGLAND because they have a very severe epidemic right now. Children, TEN YEARS OLD are going into rehabs and found drunk laying in the gutters at night. Unfortunately I must refrain from wishing you good luck because you will either want to get sober or not. The most common excuse is the word "but".