Letters to the Editor
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Anxiety
LW---I have been exactly where you are, down to almost every single detail (minus the abusive step-dad). Here is the deal: the drinking is about the anxiety. It takes some of us a long time to recognize that we ARE anxious. Drinking DOES help to ease the anxiety, especially the social anxiety. But eventually, one becomes anxious about the drinking itself and it seems that, paradoxically, the better we control the drinking, the more anxious we become. For those of us who drink to ease social anxiety AA is the worst POSSIBLE thing to do. Sitting around with a bunch of strangers talking about drinking, with no way to relieve the inherent anxiety, is a recipe for disaster.
You are anxious about being labeled as an "alcoholic". So was I. But what do labels really mean? They are just a way for one group to distance itself from another. In this case, a way for the self-righteous to stigmatize people whose behavior they disapprove of.
What really counts is whether your performance is suffering from the level at which you are drinking. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Focus on that and you will know what to do.
But you can probably tell that I eventually did quit. For me, it's all or nothing. I either have to permit myself to drink as much as I feel appropriate or not at all, because setting arbitrary limits defeats the whole point of drinking in the first place---to feel liberated, not anxious and constricted.
People who don't drink and think that so-called alcoholism is a terrible addictive disease obviously are invested in the idea that no one can just quit. Well I did. Same for smoking. Just quit. It's not that hard if you want to. Unless someone is far gone into toxicity, there is no pain and suffering involved. And whoever talked about "craving" is full of nonsense. Like anything else (a Ph.D., for example) you want to achieve in life, you have to want to do it and be serious about taking action to get to your goal.
Good luck.
Signed: Been There
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If you think you have a problem, there's a good chance that you do
You should trust your instincts: if your drinking is causing you anxiety then, at the very least, it's a problem from that perspective alone. You seem very conscious and aware of the effect of your drinking on yourself. Perhaps you can do a little self-test: stop drinking for two weeks. If you can't stop even after you have removed temptation from your immediate grasp, maybe it's time to get help. On the other hand, if you can stop -- well, perhaps you will reassure yourself that you are not being controlled by alcohol. It's always easier to address a problem before it becomes a crisis.
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Stress + isolation + genetic vulnerability = psychopathology
The letter may be concise, but it's missing some important information about the LW's current situation. Physically and psychologically, are you under increased stress (from money to Ph.D. to feeding yourself) than before? Life stress is a key environmental trigger of major depressive episodes in genetically vulnerable individuals. In the study on serotonin transporter genetic variations, those with a mutation that weakens the gene/protein are at vastly higher risk of clinical depression *upon traumatic life experience*.
Isolation is another risk factor of exacerbating depression. You do not say whether you are surrounded by friends, advisors, and supportive people in your current existence. My guess is no. The more isolated you are, the worse the depression.
Yes, I'm saying that, if you are indeed stressed and isolated in your Ph.D. program in the UK, then this is a major factor in your deterioration. The remedy is to either remove yourself from the stressful and isolated situtation back to the more stable and comfortable life before, or build your current situation from scratch into a stable, comfortable environment and seriously cut down on your stress. The former solution is certainly a lot less stressful.
It is true that having depression cripples one's function in life quite a bit. There are things you just can't do as well as those without the disease, or you can't do at all --- contrary to the American "you can be anything you want" mantra/myth. Everyone is deficient in some way and to some extent, but the happy ones accept and live with their limitations while the unhappy ones deny and fight against their natural composition. Not every aspiration and dream can be achieved through hard work.
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Genetic prediliction is NOT fatal predetermination
"The reason others have 1/2 a beer and stop? They don't have the disease. They don't get anything out of it. It's really that simple."
I have the genetic disposition to alcoholism and other addictive behaviors. I can get a rush from shopping, drinking and eating. God knows where else I could get it.
One bottle of red and I am the happiest person in the world. My cheeks glow, I giggle, I love life and everyone in it. But the same is true if I go shopping and hunt the Mighty Bargain, or indulge in a truly miraculous dessert. (I get as much stimulation to my pleasure center from a superb Creme Brulee as I do from an orgasm.) I've got an addict's response to some things.
However, I have a BMI of 23 and a full bar that I don't touch except for cooking and dinner parties and am financially stable. (Yes, I do physically itch and tinge every time I walk by a Cheescake Factory. Yes, I know that I cannot go into a mall by myself because I will spend hours trying on clothes, looking at things, having lost all sense of time and place. Yes, it's dammned difficult to not just "have a little tastie" of the wine I'm putting into the stock when I cook that will lead to more "little sips" that will leave me thoroughly sloshed.)
It CAN be done, even if the genetic predisposition is there. Don't doom the unborn children of people with family histories of addiction to that fate. Just because the predilection is there, doesn't mean you have to give in to it. I never have and, god willing, I never will.
(OTOH, once you have given in, I know from family members, it is truly fucking difficult to stop, and people who don't have that particular genetic difficulty don't understand how you crave it, how the desire for it boils in your mouth, tempting you making you whine for it.)