Letters to the Editor
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Your husband is an alcoholic. The truth is between the two stories.
Both are also unreliable narrators (ok, they lie). Notice how all of these instances happens when both were drinking. Driving is not proof of sobriety, by the way. Dr. Drew on Loveline gets a lot of these. The answer is almost always 1. a problem with alcohol and 2. a problem with boundaries.
The problem for him is "Why didn't he tell you sooner"? The other problem is why didn't he stop drinking. That fact that he continued to drink with her after the incidences, and that there were so many (FOUR?! and he says nothing for a YEAR? Sorry, that's just not right. Her telling you after two makes more sense. The first one you discount. The second one confirms. He also has that history, according to your letter.
Now, she may be a bit less pristine than she is appearing, too. The alcohol may have lowered some inhibitions, and she may have some problems, too. But she is more believable here. The truth is probably between the two. He advanced, and she may not have said "no" very quickly or at all.
He needs to stop drinking. NOW. Non-negotiable. He also needs to go to therapy to learn how to ACT trustworthy. It makes sense not to trust someone who does not act trustworthy.
He's not doing anything to help the LW because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. THAT is a big blinking neon sign. Go to therapy. If he won't, leave him. The lact of trust will eat away at your soul.
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Divorce him
I will probably be in the minority here, but I think you should file for divorce. Yes you love him, of course you do, but LW, he groped your sister...multiple times.
I might be able to buy the drinking excuse if he groped a woman unknown to you, or at a bachelor party or something. But this is your sister. You can't let this go and pretend it didn't happen, and I think you'll be very sorry if you stay married to him. A man who shows such little respect for you and for your family should be let go.
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The heart wants what it wants
I am always amazed at heart's ability to blind us all (myself included, right as I type this in fact!) to what we know in our heads to be the right thing to do. We can turn our eyes away from betrayal, from insincerity, from lies, from all these things that break us and destroy our spirits as long as we can end the day with the warm arms and soft words of the one that we love. There is nothing anyone can say to change us or to make us see all these things that our hearts distract us from. The best advice I ever got from a dear friend, as I was eating myself alive with despair in a loveless relationship was "You'll leave when you're ready to leave." When your spirit has reached its capacity for sorrow, you will be able to walk away.
The other best piece of advice I got was from this same friend, quoting a Sarah McLachlan song: "Hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell"
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I'll see you the "divorce him" and raise you a "divorce your sister, too"
and I'm totally serious.
Other than that, all I can say is: Good luck. You're going to need it.
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I think alcohol is a convenient excuse for both
I think both your husband and your sister are using alchohol as a convenient excuse for their mutal attraction to each other. From the letter, it appears that some of this kissing/groping was consensual on both sides. So I think what have here is not an alcohol problem but an ethics problem. Your sister could even be telling you about the groping because she wants to break you up. In any case, you have a husband you can no longer trust. I mean, this is your sister for Christ's sakes! If he's going after her, Cary nailed it when he said your husband might end up in bed with the whole family and the dog in the end. I've found that people like this need hard boundaries and repercussions for their actions. It already sounds like he doesn't really care about your needs. Send him to an apartment for a few months and see if he really wants back into your life. It's better to find out now if this guy is worth your love. The alternative is that you may find out 20 years from now you spent your entire life with a selfish son of a bitch. I hope it works out for you.
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Yeah, divorce him. Your kids should not have two parents, that's a bad thing for them...
Sorry, folks. I think that divorce is a stupid, immature response to a stupid, immature situation.
At least, to this stupid, immature situation.
There are other options. There are drugs that cause someone to make someone vomit when they drink alcohol. I would negotiate with him, saying "this is the choice: you go to the doctor, he injects you with this while I watch, or you get an apartment on your own and start paying my upkeep -- and the kids upkeep -- while you work this out."
Note that divorce isn't part of the picture, but staying while drinking isn't, either.
The sister's easier. You just take her aside and say, you aren't going to be alone with my husband again, for your safety. (Let her decide whether she's in danger from the husband or the LW.)
LW will have to stop drinking, even social glasses of wine, for a very long time. That's part of the cost. Sorry.
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I think you should be cool with it.
No, really. Groping your sister is such a minor thing that you should even think twice? Are you going to be cool with it when he gropes your niece? Your daugther? After all, why shouldn't love trump human decency and normal boundaries?
I once knew a guy who tried to grope his son's wife. Come to find out he fucked his daughters too.
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Yep, divorce him...
I've been pretty dang drunk before, but I've never not known what I was really doing. Alcohol may may reduce your inhibitions, but it doesn't eliminate your moral compass. I'll give you you might not remember your choices, but you and you alone still make those choices - you are not magically transported out of your body, leaving it to be possessed by someone else convenient to blame.
What I'm saying is, the fact that he would make these choices, even drunk, says it all. Most of us committed males have some desire to wander and most of us at one point in our relationship will probably get damn drunk, however even so most of us don't hit on our partner's sister or anyone else for that matter. Why? Because even drunk we know better.
I'm not saying he's faking it, but to me as in just about every case, alcohol is a ruse. It's time we stop accepting alcohol as an excuse - we all know that we're still responsible even when under the influence. We just like to pretend we aren't. If we do something it's because we wanted to and it's a reflection of who we are.