I came up with the statement of belief (or non-belief)

"As an agnostic, I lack not only the faith of the true believer, but that of the atheist."

Though if someone put a gun to my head, I would probably pray loudly, if that's what they wanted, or would deny the existence of any higher power, if that's what they wanted. And when the smoke cleared, I would even things up.

I have a number of fundamentalist relatives and, fortunately, I don't have to spend much time around them, as they lack the respect for my beliefs that I try to hold for theirs.

My cousins pulled their kid out of martial arts training as they were afraid that the child would be taught about "chi" and any power that doesn't come from god comes from satan. The music at their wedding was the most triumphalist crap that I have ever heard: "My GOD is the ONLY GOD - HE KICKS YOUR IMAGINARY, EVIL GODS ASS! AND YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BURN IN HELL, YOU MONGREL SINNERS! Hallelujah!" Christers can be pretty damned intolerant. Save us all if they ever truly take control - a Handmaiden's Tale - anyone?

I was born a mormon and even they don't get this carried away (as long as they get their 10%).

I avoided organized religion for 20+ years, but as the old joke goes:

"What is a Unitarian? An atheist with kids."

I became involved in the Unitarian Universalist Church about 5 years ago as a means of providing a place where my child can be taught by well meaning people who are not going to make him believe that he is bad if he doesn't believe in Santa.The UU's also believe in social justice and donate more money and time to making the world a better place than any group I have ever been in. There is another, telling joke:

"Why are UU's the worst singers? Because they are always reading the words ahead to see if they agree with them."

I have even gotten to the point where I can sing Christmas carols without my conscience twinging - as a previous poster said, I sing Silent Night with the same degree of belief as I sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Our previous minister was a gay agnostic - our current is a lesbian with eclectic religious beliefs - which, I guess, is okay, too.

PAX

LW, when you leave your Christian college, you will be surrounded by Christians. Or people who are embracing another religion that will seem equally nonsensical to you. This is life. Odds are you're never going to find an atheist haven. At best, you will go places where there are more people of different faiths and some people of no faith. You will eventually find people who share your feelings about things and your life will seem much better. This is part of growing up and becoming independent.

If you can transfer to another college that is less religious, great. But if not, chill. Grit your teeth. Do not tell people what they believe is bullshit (except in the Salon letters column). Atheists don't have to knock on people's doors and convert them; it wouldn't work anyway. You're not on a mission, and you don't want to bring this up with your parents. They're old and they fed and clothed you for eighteen years when they probably would have liked to take another vacation or something, so the least you owe them is to clam up during holidays.

Good luck. Those college years can seem long, I know. When I was in college, I was surrounded by Prince fanatics. Happily, I got out and have now spent twenty years without listening to Purple Rain. I don't even have to pretend to like him, and I don't hang out with anyone who does.

You strike me as a thoughtful, sincere person who wants to do the right thing, but who doesn't want to hurt the feelings of those around you. That's admirable, but you do have an obligation to be true to yourself. I think you already realize that living a lie is not the life for you.

Cary's right about figuring out exactly what you do & don't believe. Just remember that this is an ongoing process, and that your worldview will undoubtedly change & modify with the passing years, if not your core belief.

If a transcendental or spiritual outlook is important to you, please know that you can be a dyed-in-the-wool atheist & still feel awe, wonder, transcendence -- just without the trappings & framework of a literal God. For me, Jungian psychology, Art, and Nature all fill my particular transcendental needs.

And if you're a straightforward rationalist, with no use for anything mythic, poetic, or metaphoric -- well, pretending to be something you're not won't do you any good. Again, living a lie seldom works out in the long run. Don't contort your soul (or inner being, if you like) in order to please others, especially at the cost of your own self-respect.

As previous posters have noted, you don't have to become an aggressive atheist. But you shouldn't have to deny who & what you are, either. You're still young, and you'll find that there are more Big Questions ahead. If you're going to deal with them, if you're going to live a whole life, then it's time to start working out what's best for you, what you truly believe, who you actually want to be.

First & foremost, be honest.

Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Your letter is rife with concern about what other people will think -- what will my parents think, what will the school think, what will my friends think.

This is a really wonderful and exciting time in your life. You're in university! The root of the word is universe. Do you feel that this university is opening up the world to you? Are you being exposed to new ideas, a diversity of interesting people, and stimulating conversation? If not, transfer to a university that allows you that experience.

Get out there and do some crazy things. Push yourself to experience new people, activities, and ideas that your old self might not be comfortable with.

Above all, do what feels right to you. You are an adult now with new freedoms. And that's pretty cool!