#1: LW dresses the way she does because it is comfortable! I (totally hetero) spent decades wearing jeans, flannel shirts, no make-up. I was also shy and didn't date. It wasn't about making some grand or subconscious statement, it was just comfortable for me at the time.

#2: It is highly inappropriate for the boss to gossip about her employee -- especially concerning sexuality. LW should ask her boss to please respect her sexuality -- that is, straight -- or maybe turn the tables and suggest that the boss is a closeted heterosexual who showed way too much interest in a recent male customer.

It's illegal.

Firmly but politely tell your boss that your sexuality is not an appropriate topic for work.

Then find a new job.

You know, it really doesn't matter how she dresses. How a person dresses may be a code of sorts, but to place the onus on the LW here is simply unfair. A person's employer shouldn't be engaging in public speculation about the sexual proclivities of their employees with other employees, PERIOD. It doesn't matter how they dress, or how they wear their hair, or any of those things. It's flat out intrusive, unprofessional, and inappropriate. The LW should probably tell the employer off and/or find another job.

Sure, how one presents themselves to the world in the form of clothing should be a conscious choice, one that communicates exactly the message one intends, and the fact that the LW's dress may be resulting in unintended speculation is something she might want to consider. But none of that excuses the employer's behavior here.

I was genuinely surprised at Cary's reply, which thoughtfully contemplated two major issues: 1) inappropriate at-work behavior and 2) the inescapable presence of gender play and sexuality in every person's public persona. I wasn't surprised at #1 but I was shocked that he nailed #2. Maybe because he's a fifty-something white man and I assume he'd be blissfully unaware?

The ways we dress, stand, and talk with people communicate messages about ourselves. Almost no one chooses to "make some grand or conscious statement" in how we present ourselves--it's just "comfortable for me at the time." But it says so much. Basic human communication--and certainly sexual communication--is based on nonverbal cues and on the give-and-take of other people's feedback. If so many people think you're lesbian, but you're definitely not, then isn't it worth wondering why?

As a queer woman, I've encountered straight women who dressed like and socialized with mostly lesbians, and they were definitely drawn to something in the vocal nature of lesbian culture. I've also known lots of queer women who aren't drawn to that style of dress or presentation. You may not be able to "choose" what you're drawn to, but it definitely says something about you, and it's worth pondering. Great reply, Cary. - GG1

Cary, This is an advice column. The reader wants guidance on her painful situation--she's not curious about the ways in which she interests you strangely.

GLBTQ Ally, Your boss's behavior has crossed the border. On sexual harassment, the EEOC says:

"Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitutes sexual harassment when submission to or rejection of this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual's employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual's work performance or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment."

At the very least, your work environment is offensive.

The next time your sexuality becomes a topic of conversation, you could say something like, "This is starting to feel like sexual harassment." Your boss may snap to and realize how offensive her behavior is (or not, in which case you'd have to decide whether to file a complaint or look for work elsewhere).

Maybe the secret coded meaning of her dress is that SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BOTHER PUTTING ON FUCKING MAKEUP AND SHAVING HER FUCKING LEGS.

Is that so hard to understand? Why must she make a whole lot of extra effort to be treated as a straight woman? Are only lesbians allowed to be lazy?

Wow. Whoa. Wrong.

LW, please! Do not go and girly yourself up. It's the wrong response to a situation that you should not even have to respond to. Tell your boss, or her boss or HR or whoever that it's been amusing but it's gone too far. You deserve to make a living without the fear of gossip or reprisal. I know it sucks, you like your job, you're busy at school and you don't need the added stress. This situation won't change because no one feels the need to change it.

This link might help

http://www.expertlaw.com/library/employment/sexual_harassment.html

And believe me, I'm not telling you to go yell and take the place down. Just make it clear that your sexuality, whatever it may be, is not appropriate conversation for the workplace. Most people, when asked politely, will stop. Most HR managers, when reminded of the Title VII guidelines will put a stop to it.

At my last place of employment I was on the committee that wrote up the sexual harassment policy and guidelines. The laws are very clear. Just remember, nothing can change unless you tell them it has to.

Lots of straight women don't bother tarting ourselves up every day simply because we'd rather hit the snooze alarm a couple more times than put on fucking eyeshadow. Not because we're trying to subvert the dominant paradigm or some jazz, just because we don't want to expend the energy.

I mean, Cary, you try it. The personal grooming that you regard as the baseline for normal femininity -- try it. Shave your legs and armpits, blowdry your hair, put on pantyhose, put together an Outfit, think about how all this will do is attract attention from lowlifes. Set a timer. See how long that took, and for what? Wouldn't you rather just put on some jeans and a T-shirt and not bother? So would we. Many of us. We do not want to shave and wear eyeshadow for the same reasons that you do not want to shave and wear eyeshadow: because it's a big, expensive, unnecessary pain in the neck.

I'm straight, I live in jeans and T-shirts and am rarely arsed to shave, and I'm a young, and widely regarded as "hot", chick. With a hot boyfriend who also can't be bothered with any of that metrosexual hair-product nonsense. So before the creeps crawl out of the woodwork to fling poo, your poo has no purchase here.