Letters to the Editor
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Good luck with your stab wounds
So, to sum up Cary's advice: keep playing games with her until she gets worked up into a full-blown paranoid panic and attacks you with a steak knife.
This was a real belly laugh, too:
"If there are details that would injure other people, do not use names."
I'm sure if he told her he cheated on a girlfriend in the past, she'd just accept it and let it lie. In no way would it feed her paranoia and cause her to constantly pester for more details. This woman is mentally ill. Act accordingly.
Yeesh, this is the worst advice you've ever given, Cary. And you've really fucked up before.
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Once again, Cary ignores the man's interests
How many times does it need to be said? Men, do not write to Cary Tennis with your problems especially if there is a woman with a competing interest involved in the problem. He'll assume that everything is your fault, even if you're being physically abused (this isn't the first time Cary has done that). He'll ignore your interests in favor of hers.
I think a solid majority of the respondents here have given you the correct advice. Aside from a few outliers, everybody here recognizes that you are not at fault here, that the problem is not yours, and that you are best advised to leave quickly.
Leaving is a bitter pill to swallow, my man, and I'm sure you love her. It's going to hurt, but that doesn't make it the wrong thing to do. Lots of times, the right thing to do won't feel good and sometimes won't even feel right at the time.
Part of the problem is that this is going to hurt her, and naturally you won't want to do that. However, if the argument from your own interests does not convince you, then consider that it may be in her interest to get hurt like this. People generally don't change unless there's pain. If we're comfortable as we are, why change? The pain of your departure may be just what she needs to address her problems. The difference between mature love and kiddy love is that we act in the best interest of the partner's long-term well-being, as best we know how, rather than merely the partner's immediate pleasure.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going to experience either way. Good luck.
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Can't let that go by...
Damnthatxanadu said, "I haven't seen a couple with problems going on that there isn't some form of physical constraint, slapping, throwing things at the other person, etc. during a fight. Never. Or that this didn't happen at some point during the relationship." I'm here to tell you that i have never had ANY physical constraint, slapping, etc in any relationship. I've been married 25 years, and believe me there have been plenty of problems; before that i was in several long-term relationships. Never any physical fighting. Damnthatxanadu is a therapist specializing in PTSD; let's remember that that's not a representative sample of all couples. LACK of violence is normal!
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ABUSIVE
LW, get out. Get out of this marriage NOW. It will never get better. It will definitely get worse. Her physical attacks on you will also escalate. Your wife responds physically when she is angry. Not against herself; against you. She is not going to physically injure herself. She is going to injure you. Since she was in the military, I assume she has a gun and she knows how to use it. She's not going to use that gun on herself. Get out. Get out NOW. She has a mental problem and she will need lifelong professional help. If you stay in this marriage, you will be miserable for the rest of your life. No one should ever stay with an abusive spouse or partner or in any abusive relationship. It makes no difference what the reason is for the abusive behavior. Abuse is abuse and dead is dead. What would you tell your best friend if they were in your situation?
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I went out once
with a jealous freak like that -- for four years, in fact, living together for one-and-a-half, a substantial relationship by most measures. There was a period of a year in there where the relationship was long-distance, which was when her jealousy hit its apogee -- damn near everything was suspect, it seemed.
Like the LW, I was not cheating on her. But years later, I found out that she had cheated on me, more than once, during that long-distance period. Ha!
Your mileage may vary. I'm just sayin'.
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This attitude
How many times does it need to be said? Men, do not write to Cary Tennis with your problems especially if there is a woman with a competing interest involved in the problem. He'll assume that everything is your fault, even if you're being physically abused (this isn't the first time Cary has done that). He'll ignore your interests in favor of hers.
This attitude seems damn near universal among men on the left. Which is why I cannot take them seriously on anything. I thought the left was supposed to be championing EQUAL RIGHTS. Somehow the details got lost somewhere.
Everybody ELSE sees it-- if the left cannot have their mental house in order and pin blame equally between the genders, what else are they liable to fuck up too?
There is no THERE there, when it comes to the left defending men. Someone prove me wrong.
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I was married to her too
The LW seems to be married to a clone of my ex-wife. There is not much I can add that other people have not said already, except to say that I don't think the marriage can ever be repaired and that that the LW should divorce her and take steps to ensure his own physical safety.
The fact that his wife served in two wars several years apart and is now severely mentally impaired is a reminder of the immense human cost of foreign wars. Post traumatic syndrome used to be known as shell-shock in the wars of the earlier twentieth century, and many men (now women) suffered permanent impairment from the mental after effects of seeing their friends and cohorts blown to pieces, feeling guilty about surviving etc.
The fact that the first of these wars was more than a decade ago strongly suggests that her prospects for recovery are poor.
Maybe she can recover through therapy, but I am not so sure that the morbid jealousy (Othello syndrome) is caused by the effects of war. My ex wife was that way, though fairly sane in other respects and it always seemed to me that the absurd accusations were more a way of trying to exert control over my life than anything else. For example, if I was accused of having gay sex with male friends in the bushes when I went marathon training with them, then the only way to reassure her was to not go.