Letters to the Editor
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Allie
Ah, yes, a woman could close some of the disparity. Some. But how dangerous is she on a scale of 1 to 10 to a man with a knife or a frying pan? In other words, give both a knife and a frying pan and who would win? I hate to say it, but I vote hands down for the man.
The point I am making is that there is a major physical power differential that is the "not acknowledged but ever present elephant in the room". Women who have ever been physically abused by a man (beaten) are scared out of their wits for their lives and many often pay with their lives. Just how many men can truly say they were scared out their wits afraid they were going to die by being hit by a woman? Pissed off and offended yes. Possibly concerned. Sometimes physically hurt. But rarely shitting their pants afraid they were going to die and rarely paying with their lives.
Does this mean the wife was in anyway reasonable to do this? Absolutely not. Does this mean the LW should tolerate being hit? NO! Does this mean that the LW is within his rights to be pissed, basically had it, and leave? Yes. But whereas we would tell a woman to get the fuck out because we KNOW her life is at risk if she got punched (because we KNOW instinctualy that a powerfully physical person hitting a lesser powerfully person --man to woman, woman to child -- is physically capable of killing of that person), a man wouldn't need to think that. Most men would never hit a woman, period. Most men would never hit a child for the same reason. Because just with their fists they know they could kill them. Men who do hit physically or are serial physical abusers know this also, and they know the fear that a man who hits can instill. That's why they do it.
Now there are women who take advantage of the 'most men' rule to abuse men physically. They know they can get away with it. And some women can also be as emotionally abusive as some men. We all know this. The difference is that a man can just physically walk away from the relationship. He may pay a big price for that in some other way but most likely he'll live. Most women who are abused are afraid to walk away from the relationship. Absolutely afraid for their lives because they're usually told they'll lose them if they do...and a lot of them do. Good God, you all know this! What about this is so hard to get?
Anyway, I'm assuming the rest of the relationship is pretty good and that this jealousy a weird anomaly that keeps happening and that this is the reason he is staying. I know the behavior of the jealousy sounds weird at this point but I've seen it in some otherwise pretty healthy people and some pretty healthy relationships and not only in therapy. If the rest of the relationship is good, and both partners are committed to working on it, this weird shit can be corrected.
Now people will scream with this one, but yeah, if this were a man (who punched, not just grab or some equivalent) I would say, the relationship is probably doomed to abuse. And we'd all agree. Why? Because of the "most men know" rule above. Because the man well knows the power differential, that he has to power to instill terrible fear and the power to kill physically...and he used it. And that's the difference that makes a difference.
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@ Anonymous 06:40 PM
No. But you did use that prescriptive word "should," as if everyone else must fall into line with your way of thinking. Watch out or the Obnoxious Anonymous -- you know the one -- will be calling you an authoritarian.
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Either/or
Okay, LW. Is your wife remorseful and ashamed of herself and eager to make things right after she realizes she's goofed in thinking the voices are women's, or the panties aren't hers, or she's hit you for some actual reason? If so, MAYBE your marriage has a chance at healing.
If not? Don't waste any more of your youth.
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ok, but please stop using absolutes
AKA Smith
Understood, and as a show of good faith I will take a break from this column's comment section for several days after this post.
I do wish, though, that damnthatxanadu would stop using absolutes, as the poster continues to above ("And we'd all agree." No we would not.). The poster does also continue to downplay trauma suffered by men (see the related Broadsheet discussion).
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@ damnthatxandu who said: "Good God, you all know this! What about this is so hard to get?"
I surely know it. My Dad used to just backhand me when I was as old as 18 and I would go flying eight feet across the room. Following his example, my brother used to hit me too. He didn't stop until I actually picked up a knife and threatened to cut him with it. I had no where to go. I lived there.
People don't want to acknowledge what you are saying because the men's rights contingent is always giving us such a hard time about equality. Sometimes, I think the men who think this way have just been brainwashed and sometimes I think they are people who would really hit. I surely wouldn't want to meet some of them in person. If they will excuse this behavior, will they not do it? There is no woman here who is excusing the behavior of the LW's wife, yet go to Broadsheet and many of them say that there is no difference between a man hitting a woman and a woman hitting a man. There is plenty of difference. It's called death.
In doing some research on DV, I came across a site that said that one of the biggest red flags that an abuser might actually kill was if that person had tried strangulation. They meant men. Lots of women are strangled to death by their husbands every year. How many of us have ever heard of a woman strangling a man to death?
I guess part of the reason that I do not see a woman hitting a man as being as bad as a man hitting a woman is the comparison you offered of a parent hitting a child. In the last city where I lived three infant children in three separate instances died in fairly quick succession. The cause: They were struck by an adult. Also, because I lived rural life for so long, I have an acute understanding of the difference in sheer strength between a male animal and a female. All across the mammalian spectrum, males are stronger.
In humans there is only one instance where women can be stronger. Women are sometimes stronger in their legs. That is why self-defense experts will recommend that, if a woman is truly cornered, she may actually be able to protect herself by -- counterintuitively -- going to the ground and using her legs. As a longtime student of ballet, I was able to defeat my brothers in leg wrestling even after we all became adults.
There is something sort of hideous talking about this violence. There is also something wrong with a culture that seems to have forgotten what the word bully actually means. Someone who is willing to bully is much more dangerous than someone who is merely hitting.