Letters to the Editor
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Welcome to the world of narcissistic paranoia
Your spouse is clinically ill. Get it fixed or get it gone.
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You so missed the mark on this one, you're not even in the same zip code.
It is not this man's job to pander to his increasingly irrational wife, who, by the way, is hitting him. He can never "prove" to her satisfaction that he is not cheating on her; it is impossible to prove a negative, and a paranoid person will always find "evidence" to support their paranoia.
If a woman wrote this letter about her husband, I suspect (hope?) that you would not tell her to be more transparent to him and hope that fixed the problem.
His wife sounds mentally ill, which is sad, but this man should not have to put up with irrational accusations and physical abuse, and he cannot cure her mental illness by trying to reach some impossible goal of absolute full disclosure about every aspect of his life.
As a domestic violence counselor, I am rather appalled that you would tell someone being abused to, essentially, "try harder."
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I've got five bucks
I got five bucks that says the sailor's wife already cheated on him, feels guilty, and is trying to turn it around to blame him. She hopes that if he comes clean and admits that he cheated, she's absolved. Seen it several times before. Friends perplexed as to why their wives suddenly and violently confront them with accusations of infidelity. Every time, it turned out his wife had cheated on him. Always was the case, likely to be the case this time. He should ask some questions of his own. I've also heard this story with the man/woman roles reversed, where the man accuses his wife, though he's the one who cheated. That's pretty low, to cheat on your patriotic spouse while he or she is overseas, serving our nation--no matter what you think of the war. Supporting the troops starts at home. My advice: Hire a detective and a lawyer.
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It is hard to understand Cary's answer to this guy.
Did he just not believe him either?
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I have NEVER cheated in a relationship
I am 45 years old. I have been married twice. I have never cheated on a spouse or girlfriend. Not only have I never had sex outside a relationship, I have never kissed or cuddled or held hands or even talked intimately to another woman besides the woman I was involved with.
So here is at least one man who has a 100 percent spotless record in the area of romantic relationships.
If it is hard for you to imagine that I exist, perhaps you should get a real job. Or at least, stop answering questions that involve fidelity.
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Please!
People stop misusing the word narcissitic!
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Cary is waaaaaayy off on this one
When I first read this LW problem, the first thing i thought was "oh fuck, this guy is dating my ex." Not likely, but it was complete flash back. LW, you need to get a clue. Your new wife may have PTSS, but that is not the explanation for her behavior. The explanation is that she has paranoid delusions that I am sure pre-date any traumatic events that are the source of her PTSS. You don't say in your letter, but I am going to take a wild guess and assume that you did not have a very long pre-marriage courtship, because I'm sure this is not a new behavioral pattern. Did you ignore it and think she would suddenly trust you, if you just codified the commitment in a marriage certificate?
The main thing that Cary is wrong about is telling your wife about any relationship indiscretions in your past. If you do that, your marriage to this woman is OVER!!! From that point on, every disagreement, every argument, will be about how you looked at/kissed/fucked some women other than your significant other sometime in your past. It is a huge mistake, and it can never take it back.
Your wife is insecure, and it has nothing to do with your behavior. If you have not cheated on her, leave it at that and do not give her the ammunition that she will use to finish off your relationship. She needs clinical help to address it seperatly from her PTSD issues. Or maybe some self-help books to get started. She can borrow some from my ex.
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The total picture - get help
Cary is missing something - you are deployed, yes? Being deployed is brutal on even the most stable relationships. Being deployed when you have barely established a relationship to disrupt is brutal. Being deployed when your spouse is battling mental illness is especially brutal. You are not the first service member to be saddled with deployment, family disruption, a new relationship, and mental illness - but to have all these at once is perhaps too much to expect anyone to handle. The military is not new to these issues, and has many services for you, all free. Why are you writing an on-line advice columnist about this? Find a professional who can help you. You know who to ask. Do it.
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Cary, take a drink
I've said it before and I'll say it again --- Cary, you really need to start drinking again. Like just about every response you put on here this one is long winded, rambling and senseless. You put the onus of responsibility on this man (with a clear assumption on your part that he has not been faithful or has at the very least acted in ways that have betrayed his wife's trust) when it sounds more like this woman is an absolute nut case. Post traumatic blah blah blah --- the woman needs help, the husband doesn't owe the whack job wife of his the b.s. coddling you suggest. Christ, get a grip.
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She's cheating on you, or she will
This is a familiar pattern. When accusations of infidelity come out of thin air, they pretty much always mean that the accuser has already done what they're accusing the other party of doing, or at least is seriously contemplating doing it. The traitor is always the first to cry treason. I saw this in my first marriage and I've seen it in many of my friends' relationships as well. Whether it's a man accusing a woman, a woman accusing a man, or a gay partner of either sex -- doesn't matter, it's a consistent enough pattern to put money on.
I'm very sorry for your wife's psychological problems (my ex didn't even have that excuse) but they are not your fault, and you are not obligated to let them ruin your life. Cary's advice is way off the mark. She's never going to trust you; she's going to have to learn to trust a psychiatrist or someone else who has the training and experience to help her work through her problems before she's going to be able to trust anyone enough to have a decent long-term relationship. And as hard as it is, if that ever happens, that's going to be someone else. Get the hell out of the relationship before someone gets physically hurt, and get on with your life.
By the way ... Cary? You joined in his wife's baseless accusation against the LW, and you advised him to humiliate himself in a desperate attempt to stop physical abuse. That's one of the scummiest pieces of advice I've heard anyone give, ever. You need to take a good long look in the mirror tonight and ask yourself if whatever reward you get out of writing an advice column is worth the potential damage you're doing to other people's lives.