Letters to the Editor
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Your kid comes first
Your mother and sister are adults. They should be able to handle their own lives. Your wife and child did not ask for this. Especially your child should come first. Life is hectic enough without manipulative relatives.
To "deering" above, who seems to have some issues re. this letter, it is not as if his family members were stricken with some disease or horrible external fate - the LW clearly indicates his family is needy and not able to fully handle their own lives. So go easy on the implications that he is somehow abandoning them.
Also, as physicians, these people care for others all week long - and then, when they get home, do they get to rest, maybe take junior to the park? Oh no! - Mr. Deering expects that they hop over to grandma and give give give some more. Bleed 'em dry! After all, it's unfair he has a "perfect non-stress life", so he needs to pay up. Because physicians aren't, like, people, or anything. They are supposed to be robotic saints without personal lives, caring for others 24/7, whether they are at the hospital or at home. (Yes, I have my own biases - my wife is a doctor and she works quite hard).
Geesh, in 20 years when my 2 kids will be starting their careers/families, I hope and pray I am not a burden to them in any way. That is the prime of their lives, and they are entitled to it. Because they did not ask to be born. In fact, my wife and I decided they would be born. Thus we owe them unconditional love. All I ask is they treat their own children the same way.
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You aren't Captain Save a Mom/Sis...
You can help your family without giving up your life. Just because we love people doesn't mean that we can save them from themselves and their choices. But you can always offer an ear to listen and some STRUCTURED monetary support.
Don't move to Denver. You'll feel awful and once there you won't be able to get away without even more guilt.
Far away, you are their example of better ways. Living close by will make you their prey.
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Let Fate Be Your Guide
Listen to me: Seek out the best possible faculty/staff position you can find, and let the rest take care of itself. If a Harvard or Columbia position comes through, grab it; if not, consider Cleveland, or Chicago, or Rochester (MN), or Philly or San Francisco or Austin. Both you and your wife have devoted pretty much all of your energies to date toward professional development; doesn't it make sense to complete that process, at least to start?
Since your letter suggests that both you and your wife have determined that your position will determine where she works and you all live, the other factors at play -- schools and learning opportunities for your son, flexible and fulfilling job prospects for your spouse, and don't forget the commute, if any -- should carry some weight, but not be determinative, since all the places that would offer professional fulfillment and prospects for advancement in your field will also boast good quality of life (assuming you are prepared to live in the city, that is; otherwise, enter the commute as possible deal-breaker. Can you tell I've learned the hard way that wasting 2-3 hours a day in the car sucks?).
If and when you succeed at a name-brand institution, the (professional) world will truly be your oyster, and the prospects endless; if, on the other hand, the choose a second-tier institution to start with, it will be that much harder to move up the pecking order. Your options will have been limited. Think about it. You know it's true.
If it turns out that Denver really does offer you the best professional opportunity, well, then the Gods will have spoken. If, on the other hand (as is likely), your best opportunity lies elsewhere, that's where you go. You'll ultimately be doing not only yourself and your family a favor, but your sister and mother as well, in the long run. That's what planes and trains and videophones are for.
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"Cary gave you heads because he knows you were hoping he'd give you tails."
Fennel-and-Dill, I think you may be on to something about Cary. Cary really just presented one option and painted a little Waltons-type, Little House on the Prairie-type story for the LW. Then the LW can take from it what he will. That ideal family that exists with everyone living together in perfect harmony exists only with ideal people on television.
In real life, families can be real horror stories. One does wonder certain things however. Who cared for the LW's father for instance and maybe was emotionally exhausted and worn to a thread doing so? All our lives we negotiate between freedom and responsibility, between self and duty. I am struggling with some of these issues myself right now concerning the needs of a mother who has always been manipulative and was abusive to me in my childhood. Not surprisingly, no one seems especially eager to fulfill her needs. Not surprisingly, she pulls every emotional lever that she can.
I suspect for the LW and for many of us there are simply no easy answers. How do we care and still not be devoured? We all get ill and we all get old. With that in mind, maybe we should be decent to our children when they are little, not only because we love them, but also because we hope that they will be decent to us when we are old.
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Don't do it
I have done it. It is the wrong thing to do. Go right ahead and put yourself first. Parents and relatives get sick. They get old. They die. It's not your fault.
And depression is contagious. I say, run like hell.
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Your life is about to move to fast-forward
Dear LW,
I respectfully disagree with Cary. I am 57; I have spent the past 20 years taking care of the sick and the dying (various relatives---parents and aunts). WIthout a break. I discover that the time has sped by tediously and I made the mistake of not taking care of myself. I am sick; my husband and I (and we both have Ph.D's) managed to go bankrupt (directly connected to the demands of a relative). My career, though acceptable, has not gone as far as I would have liked. I feel as if I was a dreadful fool to waste my life capitulating to the demands of the irrational elderly. I feel sorry that I spent money on them when I have my own children who could use it; or I could have gone on more vacations with my family.
It typically escalates when people are needy and ill.
What I did is my own fault---I permitted my life to be consumed by those who were loudest in their demands and did not listen hard enough to my inner voice which begged me to follow my own passions.
What I have done is written a testimentory letter to my own children requesting that I be placed in a nursing home if I need care. I needed to write that letter because I cannot trust myself to be sane if the time comes that I have a stroke, for example.
Think it over: if your mother and sister really love you, they should be hoping that you end up with your dream job; that you should end up being a wise father, and that you should privilege your wife and her wishes over them.
And that little boy---would you really want him to face the same dilemma? What would you want him to do if, 30 years from now, you had a catastrophe? Turn his life over to you?
Fundamentally I blame myself for everything that I permitted. Neediness can be infinate and you are a finite person.