Letters to the Editor
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Ugh...
1) May I never be cursed with a doctor as cold-blooded and self-satisfied as the LW. He's using ambition and achieving goals as an excuse for utter selfishness. If he regards his family like this, how does he treat his patients? Does he give the best care only to those who can do things for him? Does he bail out on cases when they get difficult because that might mess up his perfect, non-stress life? He sounds like those dentists in that recent NYT article who refuse to take Medicare or poor patients because "they" don't take care of themselves--even though those dentists are making money hand over fist and helping would be no skin off their nose.
2) The fact that he's extrapolating a whole lot from what _may_ happen to his sister isn't expressing concern--it's terror that she will upend his perfect life. He could easily offer to take her kids for a bit or have a sit-down with the husband to see what he might need or do small helpful things now so that his sister won't land on his doorstep, but he's too busy worrying that she'll screw up his good thing.
3) You know, LW, one _can_ help people and set boundaries at the same time--it doesn't have to be one or the other. Cary's advice is very good in this regard--as his counsel that you start growing a heart of some kind.
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Okay everyone here with children
Print out this column and your response to it, and save it for your children to read when you are old and you receive your first diagnosis of a serious illness and are depressed and traumatized and in constant pain and feel unable to take care of yourself.
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And has the LW ever wondered...
...who will be there for him if he gets sick or he and his wife split up or he cracks under stress or something goes awry in his perfect little world? Suppose he has to depend on people who have the same attitude he does? Naw--I guess it's easier to just act like hard work and being a member of "Me Phi Me" makes you immune from all that.
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heads or tails
Dear LW,
Have you ever played the game of heads or tails NOT necessarily to make a decision, but to more clearly reveal to yourself what you really WANT? I do this rather frequently because I'm somewhat prone to being dense to my true desires, instead finding myself overwhelmed with the Shoulds and Coulds of the world, the obligations and maternal voices and mental riffraff that make it hard to be clear in my head what I want to do. This can be something so little as, "Should I have eggs for breakfast, or pancakes?" and it can be as big as, "Should I marry Tom, or should I marry Ulysses?" (I'm exaggerating, but only a little).
So how it works is, you start with only ONE flip. Heads it's Tom. Tails it's Ulysses. You flip the coin. It's heads. Your heart sinks. "Best two out of three," you tell yourself. The next one is Ulysses. You flip the third time. It's Tom. Best three of five then. You flip again and it's Ulysses. Fifth flip is Ulysses too and although you have a bit of a pang of regret, you take Ulysses' ring and you go on with it.
When your heart sinks at the incorrect answer, you know what your answer is.
You don't really need to play heads or tails with this situation. You already know what will make your heart sink , make your gut feel sick. Staying in Denver will make your heart hurt. You don't want to stay there. You want to have a happy, good marriage, and a happy life, and you dont' want to get sucked into the misery of your mom and sisters lives.
So Cary's advice today is really strange. I agree Cary often encourages living close to family (from his own experience). He also very frequently sticks up for marriage, staying in a marriage, when other options exist. But there are times on both accounts when he advises the opposite.
When I read Cary's advice, I think, my , what a moral man! What a self-less decision this would be, indeed! Indeed, how perfectly good and holy!!
And then I think, my god, he could RUIN this poor guy's life.
And I think Cary knows that. I think you asked Cary, "Cary-- heads or tails?" and Cary gave you heads because he knows you were hoping he'd give you tails.
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Don't martyr your life
It sounds like the LW has been having an attack of the "guilts" brought on by having so much success after working so hard. Trouble is, he doesn't know how to cope with it, so he's going to throw it all away by sacrificing his life, time and money for his mother and sister.
No. Don't do this to yourself. By giving in to your mother and sister's emotional, monetary and physical needs, you're going to give yours up and destroy whatever happiness you have right now.
Ask your wife first about this..she should have some say in what you do-and second, ask yourself where you see yourself in 10 years should you do this.
You did all the hard work for your life as it stands now. If you throw it away, it will have been for nothing.
Lend whatever assistance you can but only thousands of miles away.
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Crap is not too strong a word, Cary!
My advice to LW is this:
Notice your gut response to Cary's advice. If it is "Oh no! Oh f**k me!" then for godsake pay attention to that and save yourself.
If your response is "Yep, that's what I really want to do," then calmly kiss your marriage, your self-respect, and your peace of mind goodbye now, while you still know what they look like.
Cary is telling you that your relationship with your wife and child, as well as your own personal dreams and ambitions, should come second to assuming a caregiver role with your relatives for as long as it takes, knowing it will get worse. Much, much worse. Cary doesn't even mention your wife, who, in his world, is irrelevant. You might ask her how irrelevant SHE thinks she is...