Letters to the Editor
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Dont go
“I'm pretty sure that if I lived in Denver their profound unhappiness would seep into every crevice of my home life”
You are not pretty sure-you know, without a doubt. I have been in similar positions where you wrestle with yourself about what you KNOW is right for yourself and what you think is right for someone else. You left initially because you could not succeed or live happily where you were. If you had not succeeded after you left, and just barely squeaked by, you would not even been in this predicament. Moving to Denver would be undoing everything that you have done for yourself. Plus, its not just you. This life will be an incredible strain on you marriage I don’t care how much of an angel your wife might be. So weigh the cost by fully considering the reality. You can sacrifice your world for your mother and end up divorced with only them in your life. OR, you can continue on the path that you are already on, where your wife and child are your life. DO NOT fool yourself into thinking you can have both! Also, relation means nothing. You love, care for and support those who enrich your life, whom you have a MUTUAL relationship with...(I will go right ahead and say it) WHOM YOU CHOOSE! You do not sacrifice for people because they happen to have the same genes. If you did, where would you cut it off? Will you move on to the next family member who gets sicker then your sister? Or would your wife have to get really ill before she was next in line?
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You don't have to move to Denver to help
LW needs to talk to eldercare specialists. He needs to leave the sister stuff alone- he assumes a divorce without being in the marriage. If she gets the disease, her husband will cope.
Caregivers, cousins, etc are options. Does the mother have a sister she can live with? LW, find out the real options.
She's 62 with psychosomatic illness and depression. Anything can happen.
Balance is the hardest thing to achieve. Between job, childcare, spouse and eldercare, many people fight to balance their duties. There is a place between self-abnegation and selfishness.
Good luck!
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I emphathized with his sister.
This hit a nerve with me, as my husband and I are currently caregivers for my elderly mother-in-law. My husband's sister lives a plane ride (and seemingly a world) away.
Thus far, we've been lucky. My mother-in-law is fiercely independent and with her upcoming hip replacement operation, she will become even more mobile.
What *away* siblings often fail to grasp is the everyday toll of care giving -- the constant and nagging questions one has to consider (Can she lift that? Who's taking off of work to give her a ride to the doctor? When can I get over there to shovel?). On the rare occasions my husband's sister is asked (even in some small way) to help, she complains she "simply has too much on her plate." (Like we don't? We're a 30-something, professional couple trying to have a baby.)
I understand the LW's desire to maintain the great life he and his wife have carved out for themselves. It obviously took a lot of work to get them there. However, I would ask that he try to show a bit more compassion for his sister. She's assisting their mother *and* managing an illness *and* caring for two small children *and* doing this all while her husband is out of town earning a living, effectively functioning as a single parent.
LW: Unlike Cary, I'm not saying that you has to pack it up and move. Your gut tells you it's a bad idea. Also, you and your spouse will forever feel that you were forced into this decision.
But, there are other (and equally significant) ways you can help:
- Visit and call as often as you can. (Often the sick get depressed and frustrated. Having you there to listen to and comfort your mother will certainly ease the burden on your sister.)
- Explain things and or talk to doctors via phone. (You speak "medicine." Your mother and sister don't. Having a knowledgeable person guide you through the process is invaluable.)
- Assist with paperwork and other legal necessaries. (As other folks mentioned, your mother may need assistance with a living will, DNR, etc. Also, your sister may need help managing your mother's finances. All of these things can be done from a far and are appreciated.)
- Call your sister every so often to see how *she* is doing. (Yes, the calls may be a bit of a downer. But showing compassion for and listening to her will make both her and you feel like you're in this together.)
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Don't do it
LW, I did what you are contemplating. I had the chronically ill downwardly-trending mother. A mom who had lots of psychological issues, and who was old-school enough to never ever agree to seeking treatment for anything "mental." (But my sister is healthy and mostly functional)
I did not have a spouse to consider or young children at home. And I shared Cary's vision of how a family should work. Plus, throw in a little of the Catholic martyr from my upbringing...
Two years after my mom's death, I am still trying to scrape my life off the pavement. With hindsight, I feel it was a huge mistake to move back to the hometown to try to "save" and help. I am not young, and the last 15 years of my life went into the black hole.
Professionally, my life went down the toilet. Mercifully I had savings, which kept me from being homeless or dependent on my adult children. But I am still trying to figure out how to reboot my work life. (Go back to school? at my age? at those prices?) I will not go into how badly this turned out--but in order to have a career, you have to BE there for it.
As for the siblings and other family members, we had way too much family togetherness in the ER, nursing homes, rehabs, etc. etc. For the younger children in the family, most our "family times" together were spent in medical institutions, making heart-wrenching decisions. Great times for those kids, huh?
Plus your wife would need to be a total self-sacrificing martyr, willing to pick up a huge share of the load of all this HEAVY emotional labor and expenditure of time. Is she--are you both--ready to give up so much, at this stage of your life?
Instead--figure out what you are able to do. Maybe you commit to helping financially, in a substantial way. Maybe you commit to going there for X weeks per year, leaving behind all else (no Blackberry!), and really being there for them. Maybe they have other problems you can solve for them, talking to their doctors, helping them negotiate the intricacies of the medical system.
Maybe you send them frequent care packages of photos, cookies, etc. and stay in close touch.
Maybe you move close enough to have weekend visits with the kids--3 or 4 or 6 hours away. (Don't count on them being able to babysit or anything like that.)
Focus most of this on the Mom--she's in a position of less power. As for Sis, she's young enough to be an actor in her own life, so let her. Don't enable her inertia.
As a survivor, your job is to--survive. Don't give in to some Norman Rockwell sentimental vision, because you might trash the good life you had.
And yes, I did have a good life (professionally too) before I moved back home.