Letters to the Editor
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This highlights the plight of caregivers...
...and also the horror so many of us have of becoming one. Caregivers of the elderly and the infirm experience some of the highest rates of depression, fatigue, stress, and other mental and psychosomatic problems. Unlike caring for a child who, to some extent, will always grow and learn and develop, the elderly and infirm are almost always on a slow route to aging and death.
Does this mean that we stop being caregivers? Or does it mean that we find a better way of doing it? LW, you can care for your mother and your sister without sacrificing all of yourself and your family in the process. You seem to assume that they will not get better--that they will only get closer to aging, death, dependency, and neediness. At the same time, you assume that your life will ONLY get better without them--conveniently leaving out the known time when you and your wife will begin to age, or the unknown time when one of you may develop cancer, be hit by a car, or suffer some other problem that is inevitable in life.
Why not, instead of making assumptions about yourself and your mother and sister, you do some planning? Talk to a lawyer about powers of attorney. Set up a trust to provide some income for your mother and your sister's medical care. Better yet, set up a trust for your niece and nephews' education. Their mother may be to some extent responsible for her own unhappiness, but they certainly aren't.
At the same time, do some planning for your future. You may have great earning potential, but many of your fellow thirty-somethings have great actual earnings with which they've been buying houses, saving for retirement, planning their kids' educations, and yes, horror of horrors, helping out their families. You may think that you are ahead of the game, but it sounds like you will actually be spending at least a few years playing catch up.
Most of all, remember that this is not a zero sum game. You don't have to be a miserable martyr in order to help your sister and mom. But you also don't have to be an ungrateful son or a complete jerk in order to guarantee your "own" family's happiness. You can likely do a whole lot of good all around with some thought and sound planning, and more than a bit of humility.
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Thank You!
Mr. Tennis: That was probably one of the best answers that you have ever crafted. Doing right by others is in our own best interests too, although it may not always seem like it. Family is family, and it's unfortunate that his family has so many problems. Ultimately, his and his wife's greatest contribution to their son and his cousins will be their example of love, caring, and sharing.
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Great Advice, Cary
The years I spent living near my aging parents and getting to know them as an adult, were great. Taking my mom into my home to spend her last few months, instead of letting her go to a nursing home, was the best decision of my life. There are many twists and turns to life. The LW is trying to plan his life out without a hitch, and it never works that way. We do not control life to the extent he envisions. The best thing to do is to be open to the possibility that you too may find the part of yourself you like the best because of what you did for someone else. My dad always said that how you treat your parents comes back to you in how your children treat you. Denver is a great city with excellent hospitals and universities. So what if you'd get an apartment, then a house, then maybe a bigger house? It's not as if everyone is going to need to live with you immediately. But, when they did, you'd be ready, with a big enough home and a big enough heart. You won't regret it.
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Good Advice
What a gracious, decent thing to write.
And to do.
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You can help, but you can't provide a will to live.
Have you had a frank family discussion with your mother and your sister about their health and plans for the future? About finances, about medical care?
I know it's really difficult to talk about late-life plans, assisted living, wills, trusts, power of attorney, and death, but you have to do it. Can you say "Mom, let's sit down and talk about health and medical care in case anyone in the family develops serious needs." Can you say "sister, I know it's really scary, but I think you should get tested for Huntingtons." Can you say "I love you and I want to help you, but I can't take care of you. I want to help you figure out how to take care of yourselves better."
What if you lived about an hour from your mother & sister instead of right next door? It's close enough to see each other regularly, but far enough that visits have to be scheduled & for you and your family to have some space. Maybe there's a bus route between your mother's house and where you can live? Ditto your sister, so the kids can come visit for a weekend once in a while?
Ultimately, I think some people just get depressed and kind of give up on life as they get older. My mom, who is 61, has seemed for a while like she's ready to throw in the towel. She doesn't take care of herself and she doesn't seem to have anything she enjoys in life. It's been changing a little recently which is a relief -- she's exercising and eating better, and she seems much happier. Contrast this to my dad: he's happy as a clam, plays golf, loves his model trainsets, likes to read, and goes to the gym 3 times a week. But the point is, if your mother has given up, there's not much you can do about it. You can take care of logistics to ensure to the best of your abilities that your mom is as set up as possible, but you can't take on her will to live.
PS -- Pick up a copy of "Too soon old, too late smart" by Gordon Livingston, by the way. It's got some very good, hard truths about the aging process.