Letters to the Editor
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You need to make the best decision for your family; i.e. your wife and child.
"When we're all together, I feel my mom and sister constantly try to test where my loyalties lie....." That is a red flag which should not be ignored. Your loyalties are first and foremost to your wife and child, regardless of your mom's and sister's situations. And I say that as someone with Huntingtons on my side of the family and other terminal illnesses on my husband's side of the family. I know what it is to have extended family members who are in need. I have learned the hard way though that if the extended family members don't understand that there are definite limits to what you can do for them without sacrificing your present family, you'll be faced with endless and unreasonable expectations. I have no doubt that over the years you will help your mother and sister a great deal -- but for your wife's sake, set a reasonable limit now. I made my extended family's health my top priority for two years --- and then spent another two years in therapy trying to recover from it. I wish I knew then what I know now; there is a limit to how much assistance any one person can -- or should be expected to-- give. I wish you the best.
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you're creating your own stress right now -
First of all to write this letter with no clue about your wife's input makes you a target for the accusation of arrogance. Lets assume she said - "whatever you want ", doesn't mean
you don't still consider her in the decision. Is she an extrovert ( someone who never tires of communicating and interacting , or an introvert -someone who needs solitude to recharge) If the latter ,don't even consider having your family live with you.Even if she's outgoing, if she's doing frontline patient care during the day and childcare at night it may just be too much.
Given that you wrote " Basically, I've invested huge amounts of intellectual and emotional energy (AND RECEIVED A TON OF LUCK) , , I feel like I'm right on the cusp of ... a fairly stress-free life." I assume a ton of luck means others have helped you,recognize no one suceeds alone and share that wealth - But its wrong to asume you're on the cusp of a stress free life.Life has its own plans.You may feel home free because you escaped Huntingtons but if there's only one thing you should have learned from your patients ,it's 'we are not in control". Maybe you have a medically fragile child in your future ,your wife will leave you,or you'll wake up with amnesia ,so go ahead jump into the fray now and start learning to swim.. A stress free life is no kind of goal and once you get that erroneous thinking out of the way you can start living with the reality of your specifics.Becoming a person of integrity ,compassion and authenticity no matter what ,is a goal worthy of a person's life and mind.
Don't forget as you struggle with this decision ( AND YOU CAN ALWAYS CHANGE YOUR MIND ) your children will be watching you and learning what it is to be a human being human.
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LW, your mother and sister are adults.
They are responsible for what they do with their lives and whether they are happy or not. You cannot fix them or their broken lives.
You are, however, responsible for the wellbeing of your child. Putting yoursef in a situation that is sure to be physically, emotionally and financially taxing is no way to bring up a kid. It's a recipe for failure.
But maybe, after all your boring successes, you want the thrill and the agony of failure to spice up your life. If so, follow Cary's advice.
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Here or there, get professional assistance
The great thing about money is that it buys professional assistance. Regardless of whether you move hither or yon, you should definitely have the most professional help you and your family can afford (there are likely to be resources in the community that are available to your mother).
Taking care of sick relatives is much easier in an oversight position than an actual, physical caregiver role.
Don't be a hero in this regard. Use your expertise to manage, not to do.
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this works both ways
The quote "To whom much is given, much is asked" applies here. You have been given the gift of not only wanting to be a care giver to many, but also being needed to be care giver to your family. Families are always challenging, they are those closest to us. But you could have enough space in your home/property to be near without being "owned" by the problems that you sister and mother face. It strengthens community and your feeling of connection, not weakens it, when you can give support this way.
I am in the opposite situation. I became ill, and even though I worked hard all my life, I became homeless when I could no longer work, because my long-term disability insurance was denied. I have two sisters who have large homes. One has two empty bedrooms with bathrooms, and the other has two empty bedrooms with one bath. Both are struggling financially, though not like I am. I am cheerful, informed, helpful, able to care for myself, have some money to pay rent, as well as my own food and utilities. My family won't have me in their houses. No reason given. I don't drink, smoke or use drugs. I don't get it, and am extremely hurt, but the real diminishment is in the lives of my sisters. They could give life saving help, and choose not to.
I know, given the choice which option I would pick. I hope you are able, as most people in prior generations were able, to give the help your family needs, even while enhancing your own life.
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Throwing in 2 more cents..
LW didn't say he left Denver because he hated the weather, or because he needs to surf everyweek in order to keep his head on straight. His letter doesn't mention a single other place on earth that he & his wife would rather be. It's interesting that nearly every response to the Denver vs. AnyPlaceElse question is a vote for AnyPlaceElse so that the family doesn't drag them down. Denver isn't some one-horse town where he'd be chucking his education to move so that his wife can mop up mom's vomit. Family, even ill family, is a blessing. He is blessed with a sister, and his son has cousins.
Disclaimer here: I'm supremely biased in favor of family. I have dinner once a week with my siblings and their kids. We started "Family Night" about 10 years ago and last night was one of the finest times. The meal is modest & potluck, the young cousins run around together kicking a soccer ball, playing tag, or kick-the-can. A few of the grown-ups will take a walk around the block others will kick back and gossip over coffee. It's just like a holiday but with none of the pressure of a fancy turkey dinner or the stress of buying gifts. If the LW can have this in Denver (or where ever his wife's family lives) then nothing could be more wonderful for his son.
I won't sugar coat what follows, because LW & Mrs. LW, you are physicians, and probably already know this -- but 62 year-old with depression and twice yearly hospitalizations is not long for this earth. Let your son get to know his Grandmother while she is still here. At the same time, cultivate the necessary skill to care without becoming consumed. It is family now, in the future it will be patients and students. You must learn the balance of caring for yourself so you are fit to care for others without becoming overwhelmed or sucked in. Go to Colorado, and let your family help you become a better doctor, husband and parent.
Go Rockies, and best of luck to you.