Letters to the Editor
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I don't recall Cordelia
... taking care of Goneril or Regan, however. This fellow is suggesting giving up his own life to take care of his (at this point perfectly healthy, and refusing to take a test to find out if she will stay that way or plan for her children's futures) sister.
Mom and the sister are two different issues.
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Worst Advice Ever
I truly believe that family and the needs of sick or aging relatives are an important factor in any big decision, but to suggest that the best thing for this young family to do is to move to a city they are already iffy about, where they may or may not have social support or career options is just plain nuts. The letter writer is optimistic, but based on the career trajectories of the "hot shot" doctors and academics I know, careers in education and medicine are nomadic at best and place huge stresses on all kinds of relationships: the reality is that medical professionals have an even harder time keeping relationships together, add the usual stress of life to a competitive, 80 hour a week job, and you get people gasping for air.
Carey's suggestion is that this young couple transplant themselves to a city where one of them has strained, at best, relationships,is strange, and the writer's description of the spouse's prospective job as a "lifestyle" one means that he's already anticipating that she'll be the one making professional sacrifices in order to care for his family while he pursues his dream. As an academic, the fact that he's even using the term "college" to talk about where he wants to be tells me that he doesn't know as much about the field as he thinks; and if he is seriously thinking about teaching "college" in Denver, in his 30's, without at least a decade's worth of scholarly publication and professional accolades in his specialty, he's looking at adjuncting for a pittance (and by pittance, I mean he'd be working nights at Starbucks if he didn't have access to a second income).
Once the mother and the sister and the sister's children are living in the guest house, which Carey naively assumes they'll be able to buy, with full time medical needs, who is planning on quitting their job to take care of them? How will this "lifestyle" doctor and "college" instructor afford to care for these people? What about their child and the wife's relatives? Are they not planning on aging or having any health issues? Maybe she's an orphan?
If the couple is interested in the prospect of moving to Denver, and if it's anywhere on their list without family considerations, by all means, bump it to the top, but if either one of them is hesitant, for the myriad reasons expressed in the letter, it's probably best to take care of the family in a less direct way; illness tends to magnify needy behavior, just as proximity can encourage helplessness and resentment, which is not great, I think, for a family that's just starting. This reader needs to consider what he and his family are willing to sacrifice in order to assuage his feelings of guilt, and realize that it is possible to be a caring child, who assists his family and sees to it that they are well and getting what they need without becoming a parent to them.
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Make sure to shore up your boundaries
An ungrateful son never bothers to think about whether he's ungrateful. Your compassion for your family is commendable.
I WOULD suggest, however, that you read/go to therapy to learn more about having boundaries before you go. With difficult families, the phrase "good fences make good neighbors" is very appropriate. If you are confident in your ability to make good fences, it will really lessen your family's ability to "drag you down." And, in turn, that will enable you to offer the best of yourself, not what's left over after you're exhausted from being hurt.
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It's all about respect
I can see both sides of this. In my family, I would have no problem taking care of my father, who has been supportive and great my whole life. My mother, while supportive and loving, has always been looking for someone to take care of her. My in-laws expect that since they took care of their parents for 20+ years, then we will as well. The difference between my father and my mom and inlaws is that my father respects me and my family as an individual unit and the others do not. My father would never ask me to put him before my family, while the others expect it. My husband and I dread taking care of mom/inlaws - so much so we already have put some plans into place as to how we can do it without sacrificing our own lives.
LW needs to make sure his mom's needs are met (not so sure about the sister though). But you can do this from the safety of another area code. LW doesn't give the impression that his family respects the fact that he has a life, and to me that is the real issue. As for those who are complaining about his "whining", I don't see it as such. If he were a successful auto mechanic or contractor, he would be giving up just as much. Doctor is just another profession. And I know a concrete contractor that makes more money than any doctor I know. Sacrifice is sacrifice.
So, in my opinion, your family will drag you down if you let them because they don't respect you and your family as individuals. You have an obligation to tend to their basic needs but that's about it. Be loving, but keep your distance. I walk this line every day with my mother. I love her, but I'm not going to put her needs over the needs of my husband and children. And I wouldn't expect that from my children in the future.
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Don't go to Denver
Send money. Please, please don't move to Denver. If you move to Denver you will get sucked up in their drama. They've created their unhappiness, it is their responsibility to find a way out of it. You will be constantly expending energy on setting boundaries. If you must be involved, find a city somewhere close enough to easily drive or fly into Denver for a weekend. You don't deserve their unhappiness, and neither does your child.