Letters to the Editor
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Don't do it
LW, I did what you are contemplating. I had the chronically ill downwardly-trending mother. A mom who had lots of psychological issues, and who was old-school enough to never ever agree to seeking treatment for anything "mental." (But my sister is healthy and mostly functional)
I did not have a spouse to consider or young children at home. And I shared Cary's vision of how a family should work. Plus, throw in a little of the Catholic martyr from my upbringing...
Two years after my mom's death, I am still trying to scrape my life off the pavement. With hindsight, I feel it was a huge mistake to move back to the hometown to try to "save" and help. I am not young, and the last 15 years of my life went into the black hole.
Professionally, my life went down the toilet. Mercifully I had savings, which kept me from being homeless or dependent on my adult children. But I am still trying to figure out how to reboot my work life. (Go back to school? at my age? at those prices?) I will not go into how badly this turned out--but in order to have a career, you have to BE there for it.
As for the siblings and other family members, we had way too much family togetherness in the ER, nursing homes, rehabs, etc. etc. For the younger children in the family, most our "family times" together were spent in medical institutions, making heart-wrenching decisions. Great times for those kids, huh?
Plus your wife would need to be a total self-sacrificing martyr, willing to pick up a huge share of the load of all this HEAVY emotional labor and expenditure of time. Is she--are you both--ready to give up so much, at this stage of your life?
Instead--figure out what you are able to do. Maybe you commit to helping financially, in a substantial way. Maybe you commit to going there for X weeks per year, leaving behind all else (no Blackberry!), and really being there for them. Maybe they have other problems you can solve for them, talking to their doctors, helping them negotiate the intricacies of the medical system.
Maybe you send them frequent care packages of photos, cookies, etc. and stay in close touch.
Maybe you move close enough to have weekend visits with the kids--3 or 4 or 6 hours away. (Don't count on them being able to babysit or anything like that.)
Focus most of this on the Mom--she's in a position of less power. As for Sis, she's young enough to be an actor in her own life, so let her. Don't enable her inertia.
As a survivor, your job is to--survive. Don't give in to some Norman Rockwell sentimental vision, because you might trash the good life you had.
And yes, I did have a good life (professionally too) before I moved back home.