unless a woman gives overwhelming evidence that she is REALY REALLY into you sexually you shouldn't marry her.

>My husband is not one of those men who has any particular

>pornographic fantasies about two women together.

The word you're looking for is "heterosexual."

and then go at it like sea otters.

... but would you be writing if your feelings were for another man? If your feelings were for a fellow colleague of the opposite sex, you would probably be going through what many, many other married heterosexual people go through (and I would think that gay men and women in committed relationships probably experience the same temptations)

And my answer to them is my answer to you - you are married, therefore you have made a commitment. There are no loopholes to commitment.

I do sincerely sympathize with you, I really do. But this is one of the challenges you will need to face as a married person. I would be telling you this regardless of your orientation.

Good luck! I wish you strength and I wish you happiness!

I see much of myself in this letter, with only one notable difference (I think it's a minor one, but maybe not). It is that I lived as an "out" bisexual (mostly lesbian) for all of my college and graduate school years, and even cohabitated with a serious girlfriend for several years. So I don't have quite the dearth of experience/memories as LW. But, I do know the yearning that she's talking about. Being around women you find attractive can be a heady experience.

I can't blame Cary for not giving you a direct answer to your question. It's a hard question, and there's no perfect answer. But you seem like a very strong, principled person. So I hope it works out for you (and for me). One thing is for sure, our children are young and they need us. That's my first guiding principle, and though it goes without saying, I try not to do anything that would do mine irreparable harm. Second, is the question of how to be true to your husband (as much as humanly possible under the circumstances). I think it depends whether your lesbian fantasies are detracting from your sex life and/or your emotional bond with your husband. If so, I think you owe it to him to gently share what you've been feeling, and see where it leads. As for me, at this stage, my husband knows that I get turned on by women as much or more than by men and that is enough. He also knows, rightly, that I will never cheat on him. If either of us changes our minds about being monogamous in our marriage, we are honor-bound to tell the other person (gently) BEFORE doing anything about it.

My advice is, let's breathe deeply and take it one day at a time. When you meet an attractive woman, let the feelings wash over you, then go outside and take a deep breath and just admire that feeling. Admire the fact that you're a sexual being and that you have your own unique definition of sexiness. Admire your own taste in women. Be comforted that it doesn't have to go any further than that, and note that you can still enjoy the feelings you had even if it doesn't. I don't think those feelings have to make us miserable. I think that they can be celebrated for a silent moment, and then tucked away and ignored again. (Isn't that what all faithful partners do, bisexual or not?)

Before you know it, our kids will be all grown up and they won't need us so much. And our husbands will maybe, hopefully still be youthful and perhaps even itching to have some freedom themselves. I can see myself 20 years from now. There's a chance I might get to be in a relationship with a woman again, without even any major lasting heartache or emotional trauma for anyone involved. Maybe that's a pipe dream but then again, possibly it's not! There's a chance, and for now, that's enough. Good luck, LW.

I am a woman who has been in two long-term relationships since I have identified as bisexual. The first man did not like the idea, so I suppressed my desires. The second, however, was very accepting and understood that it is part of who I am. He knew that it did not imply some sort of deficit on his part. While I was living with him, I was also seeing a married woman. The men in our lives were cognizant of the situation. At times, I felt guilty because it didn't seem fair, but my wonderful man assured me that he accepted me and was satisfied. Of course, there is always the danger of really falling for the person, but that was hard to imagine because I was so in love with my man. The fact that he was so accepting made me love him all the more. So I think it can work, if all parties are honest with each other and accepting of the situation.

...please don't lie to your husband. If he's as good a man and a partner as you say, then he deserves the truth, now and going forward. So do you. Don't trash your newfound [whatever this thing is] by sullying it with deceit and affairs: you will always regret it. Meet it honestly, and let your husband do the same by being as honest with him as you can possibly be.

I had a friend married for 8 years. Her husband had started having dreams about men, so he went to a therapist. The therapist told him to "explore" this in his life. He explored. They're divorced. She was crushed enough never to remarry (this is 20 years ago already). He goes gaily along.

So based on this limited anecdotal research, I'd say that unless you're just a dumb bored suburban housewife daydreaming about what could have been and you're merely wasting all our time responding, you are wasting your husband's life.

What is with dumbasses who go on automatic pilot down the aisle, when they don't want conventional marriage at all? (I present you with Exhibit B, the dumbass cheater from a few days ago.) Cary, you're trying to make all us ladies look like ditzbrains, aren't you.