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As a gay man who awakened to my homosexuality while in a committed relationship with a woman, I can relate. As Cary said very well, there is no easy answer here. I was lucky. We weren't married and we didn't have children. Regardless, it was difficult. I spent many tear-filled evenings writing in my journals, or taking long night-time drives alone with the thoughts in my head as I tried to figure out what it all meant. Could I stay with her and still be true to myself? Am I gay, or bisexual? Could Igive this woman what she really needed in a partner? Could she give me what I needed?
Cary mentioned many options for support. I suggest you take that advice. I'll say a few other things as well though. You're obviously able to express yourself in language. Keep a journal, or a blog. Write all the time. You may find that as you write things down, your understanding of them becomes clearer. You may find yourself writing things that you didn't yet realize you feel. You might find yourself reaching a clarity of purpose and intent. In your journal answer questions. What is important to you? Are you monogamous at heart, or polyamorous? Do you Love your husband? Is it important to give your children one home? How do you think your husband will react if you confess your feelings to him? How would you feel if he confessed thoughts of other men? other women?
A note here, Answer these questions in truth. Do not write down anything that is not absolutely real to you. Do not write the things that your culture tells you you should feel or think. Do not write the things that you want to be true. Write what you really feel. Write until you realize who you are and what your values are.
To me, there is something else you must do. You must talk to your husband about this. You are in a relationship, and nothing but your honesty and compassion can make that relationship work. You have a level head on your shoulders. Don't confront him with it, don't slap him with it. Say "Husband of mine, I'm confused and I need to talk to you about something." Share with him. Listen to his reactions and feelings. Reassure him that you are not going to get up and leave (unless of course you are). Let him know what you're feeling. Ask him what he thinks you should do. Ask him how he feels about this. Let him get angry if he needs to get angry, but don't let him abuse you emotionally.
