Letters to the Editor
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Compulsive Behavior + Adrenaline + Shame = Disaster
In my opinion, LW, if you were single and wanted to sample every man that came along (especially if they were also single), then you'd have every right to do so. But you're asking if something's wrong with your behavior, and, well, yes, there's plenty wrong.
You apparently crave the "high" of doing something illicit and trying to cover it up--maybe it gives you an adrenaline rush. To my mind, it's more than just socially accepting affairs, European-style. It's destructive and damaging behavior. When you lie habitually and behave deceitfully, you become an untrustworthy person. I know a lot about living with a liar (I no longer do; divorced for 16 years), and it seems that a compulsive liar eventually gets found out. When the liar is confronted with the lie (with irrefutable proof or logic), it's pretty pathetic to hear the excuses, responses, and "turning the tables" accusations (somehow, this was your fault, not the liar's).
It seems to me, based on my experiences and readings, that there's shame lurking underneath, something so painful that it spurs deceptive behavior--it's as though the liar can't tolerate some truth or self-judgment, and covers this up by becoming a deceitful person whose only concern is him/herself, and not the damage and erosion inflicted on the other person (e.g., spouse).
You say this behavior doesn't affect your work or personal life. But you "fooled around" with a client, which you concede is unethical, but which made it all the more exciting to you. It's only a matter of time before you're bored with that level of excitement, and go on to greater high-risk behavior that will indeed affect your entire life. You will eventually be exposed for the liar and cheat that you are, and you're quite delusional if you think that this won't affect others' perception of you and how they treat you.
You don't belong in a marriage, the basis of which is trust, and you should be very concerned that this is your method of "release." There's something very wrong at the core of you, and it will eventually make you nearly completely dysfunctional. You need help to unravel your secret(s) and control your self-destructive behavior. Please get it.
I don't know if it will in fact help. I don't know whether you'll ever be capable of feeling the guilt or understanding how deeply you can hurt people by what you say and do. But it's worth a try.
And, whatever, you decide to do, for God's sake, unless you've seriously made progress in addressing this, don't have any children.
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For the record, NPD is the most over-diagnosed psychological problem on the internet
When people run out of arguments, or find someone too arrogant, or just don't have anything to say, it's time to trot out the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Because internet diagnosis by anonymous strangers is so accurate.
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how sad
i was saddened as i read this letter- (if it's not a hoax!)
i kept thinking how 'wounded people often wound people' It would be interesting to learn about this woman's childhood and first/early sexual imprinting & experiences. As she has betrayed & wounded people in her past, as she betrays & wounds her husband ('who she loves') and her marriage (he does not know about her behavior)... sadly she is most likely headed for wounding(self-inflicted)& betrayal. Hopefully if this is a thirty-something's cry for help, this young wife will seek inner healing and take steps to grow in truth-telling.
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Well Anonymous 8:54
The woman I mentioned in my post who kept taking off her clothes told me she was borderline but I had access to her history and she had a diagnosis of NPD as well.
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It is a problem
Picking up men in bars...
I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me when after three years of what I thought was monogamy, I tested positive for HIV, after getting very sick. We used and IUD. Big mistake.
Now we are both going to die, and she killed us.
So, try not to be such an idiot.
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You Blew It, Cary
The Headline:
'...since my first boyfriend and no one has ever found out...'
This does not sound like just luck. It sounds like LW is careful and has a good chance of never getting caught.
"Whichever option you choose, you must understand this: The current situation is untenable. You're just playing the odds right now, and you have been lucky. Luck is not a workable plan."
The current situation seems very tenable. So lets just assume that she doesn't get caught. Is there a problem? I don't think so. Other than it just doesn't seem right that someone isn't playing by the rules (whose rules?) and might actually not pay some awful price or burn in hell.
And then off to the races about being a sociopath? That's idiotic. The criteria for antisocial personality disorder include, "failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest." I suppose adultery used to be a crime, along with sodomy and anything that didn't involve the missionary position.
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Could be a fake, could be a personality disorder, could be both.
Could be a fake; could also be borderline, narcisistic or anti-social personality disorder. Think a less violent version of Scott Peterson. Or, could be both. Borderlines live a life of BS. The books on the disorder I've read say not to call them on it as it may be the only thread that is holding them together. They have a very high suicide rate. Don't know about the other personality disorders.
BPDs don't think about the affect their actions may have on others anymore than your average two year old. After the fact they may be somewhat remorseful, but mostly they'll be angry at whoever exposed their deceit. And they don't really grow out of it. The only proven fix that I'm aware of is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is still only available in the most metropolitan locations. BPD's are driven into therapy less by their own deceit, than by the consequences of their restlessness, emotional storms and despair.
Though BPDs can be masters of BS, I do not think that a sane person with their eyes open could live almost 7 years with a BPD and not notice a problem. But, the writer's husband my have his own issues.
As noted, the issue may not be BPD or fake, but BPD and fake. If the writer has some sort of personality disorder, there is little chance that the letter is accurate. Moreover, it could be a friend or other family member trying to emulate a real person's voice, so that she can see what strong reactions her conduct would draw. Even if BPDs know intellectually that their conduct is out of the norm, they don't really
feel it.
BPD's have family members that sit on the sidelines while their daughter, sister, etc. wrecks her life and betrays husbands, employers and teachers. And they can't very well go around telling each person she encounters, "beware, my sister lies about everything." Moreover, family members--the sane ones at least--probably have limited contact with her because of her behavior.
In the event that someone has recognized one of their own family members in this woman's letter, or the ensuing responses, check out "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me" by Kreisman, and "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" by Mason, or google "borderline personality" and "cornell" or "linehan."