Letters to the Editor
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"I was absolutely enamored by these women"
Sorry, but I am laughing a little. There is no power of seduction greater for a woman than a man being absolutely under her spell.
Also, being able to converse about emotional issues helps. Too many men claim that they just don't get women but they never really take the effort to find out what makes women tick. As men get older (and probably some women too) they get more and more walled-in emotionally. Sad.
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To AKA Smith
I suppose escaping the walls, that wall in their emotions, is probably a big reason why a lot of well meaning people cheat. One thing I learned from the married women I dated, was that they felt more comfortable telling me things than they did their soul mate husbands. Sometimes the walls, you mentioned, become so high that it becomes hard to tell the people you love what's really going on in your head. I knew these women loved their husbands more than they love me, but with me they could step out from behind their walls.
When I talk to men that keep mistresses or visit prostitutes, they usual say something along the lines that they need these women as stress reliefs. And the confidence that men put in prostitutes and mistresses is well known.
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Ergo..
"What makes you decide that a person is or isn't a sociopath?" Eckel asks.
"Conceptually, for the purposes of the book," says Stout, "I'm talking about people who have exhibited symptoms such as extreme chronic deceitfulness, lack of remorse, lack of personal responsibility, and a general desire to control people and make them jump."
George W. Bush exhibits extreme chronic deceitfulness.
George W. Bush exhibits a lack of remorse.
George W. Bush exhibits a lack of personal responsibility.
George W. Bush exhibits a general desire to control people and make them jump.
Ergo, I'm helping the terrorists.
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@ notKeith
Yep. You got it. He's classic.
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Soul Mate?
"One thing I learned from the married women I dated, was that they felt more comfortable telling me things than they did their soul mate husbands"
I doubt their husbands are really their "soul mates" in that case. Personally, I think "soul mate" is a fucking stupid term that gets bandied about way too much. My spouse is my best friend. I can talk about any thing with him. I don't need to go pour my heart (and loins) out to someone else.
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To notKeith
I believe the more general definition of a sociopath is someone who does not believe that the laws of society applies to him (or her). The most blatantly sociopathic concept is that the idea that corporation can have the same rights as a human being. Can you shame a corporation, can you throw a corporation in prison, can you even give a corporation counseling? The answer is no, because a corporation has no consciousness, has no conscience, can't express remorse, and can't even be addressed at sentient. Giving corporations power is the equivalent of handing the keys to humanity to a soulless entity which possesses concern for nothing (certainly not the general publics well good). If a corporation is an individual, then it is a sociopath completely incapable of being treated, and the Republican party is the party of corporation interest, which is to say that they fight for the rights of sociopaths.
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Movie characters
One thing that is very telling, as far as the stupidness of people about infidelity, is the way movie characters who have affairs are blasted on the IMDB movie message boards--with the same vehemence of most letter writers here. Even Meryl Streep's character from "The Bridges of Madison County." You never see fictitious murderers condemned that way.
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@ cali64,
Are you deliberately evading the points that lupercus, I, and others have made about keeping the promise of fidelity either implied or specifically stated in marriage vows? Is it your contention that contracts and promises should mean nothing in our culture?
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Promises
I didn't say that no promises should be kept. But no, I don't think marriage vows are binding. Furthermore, if we are going to treat them as such, we have to be consistent. Why is it okay for someone to break their vows by getting a divorce (after all, there is "til death do us part") but not okay to break the part about "forsaking all others"? It's like the way religious fundamentalists only believe in literally following the Bible when they want to condemn gays or preach Creationism. You never hear them calling for children who curse their parents to be stoned to death.
If people in our society really believed that keeping promises is such a huge issue of integrity, they wouldn't say these extravagant vows at their weddings (which involve far more than promises of monogamy) knowing full well they may not keep them.
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To Fetboy and AKAsmith
AKA--
Glad you survived the marriage. And I, too, am familiar with dual-diagnosis. I am not one but there are many in 12 Step programs who are. Tough work you're in.
Fetboy--
I gotta respond to this statement:
"One thing I learned from the married women I dated, was that they felt more comfortable telling me things than they did their soul mate husbands"
I find that comment a bit troubling and interesting. I'll admit that I don't tell my bf everything that runs through my head/heart because some of my admissions might hurt him. I save those confessions for my friends, both male and female. But I don't sleep with said friends.
I think your above statement is a bit of a copout for married people who really don't want to be in their marriage anymore. Or, at least, don't want to be monogamous. Or, maybe, don't want to take the added risk of REALLY opening themselves up to their 'soulmate.'
True intimacy takes risk and getting close to our chosen partner is far harder than sleeping around.
That said, not everyone is cut out for monogamy or marriage. But, for God's sake, be honest about it and don't dupe the other person!
This whole thread reminds me of a comment a male friend once said.
He said, 'You pay prostitutes to go away.' Meaning, you don't hire prostitutes for meaningful conversation or emotional intimacy. You pay them for sex, no strings attached, and then say good-bye. That's the take I have on it. I am not sure if hiring a prostitute is the same as having an affair but, either way, it's stepping out of your marriage vows.
BTW, I think prostitution should be legalized.
The former married guy that I fooled around with 20 years ago once said that he didn't throw his affairs in his wife's face and, in exchange, he took care of her and their children financially. He also said to me, 'Don't ever get married unless you plan to have children. There is no reason for marriage other than kids.'
He was, btw, very unhappy and chasing young tail (mine and others) to try to 'fix' this unhappiness.
Spiritually bankrupt, you could say.
So, Fetboy, I'm glad you dropped the married lovers. I think you might have found it too draining after awhile.