Letters to the Editor
-
To Fetboy
Fetboy--
You say that you never betrayed anyone or told a lie when you were involved with married women. I beg to differ. Their husbands were being betrayed...and you lied by ommission.
I believe in walking like I talk. That means, if I say I am married and agreed to monogamy, I have to act married and be monogamous. AND if I want to have integrity in all of my relationships, I have to act with integrity. That means no messing around with married men.
As it is right now, my bf has been separated from his wife for over 8 years but hasn't finished filing for divorce. He claims he fell behind on the filings and now the fine is a lot of $. He knows that this may be a dealbreaker for me so he's working towards saving up for the lawyer's fees to finish the job.
I hope he does. Even though he and the wife have not lived and/or seen in each in years, I don't feel right about the situation.
AND--tonight--I found out two of my female friends (not close friends but women that I liked, nonetheless) are cheating on their husbands. One is finally going through a divorce, probably because her hubby found out. Sad.
So our threads are timely for me right now.
-
No logical response? Change the argument.
LOLOL.
I do love the way that men, when they cannot offer a logical refutation to the argument at hand, simply change the argument.
Neither avast2006 nor nick_r addresses the points I made about monogamy being a structure of control by men for women, or the evidence that the more equitable a society becomes (ie, much of Europe and other progressive societies), the less important patriarchal traditions and institutions like marriage become.
Re-read my argument, guys, and try to come back with something approaching the same topic.
-
I am glad marriage is considered a patriarchal tradition
so we can now dispense of the quaint notion that men have any true control regarding their reproduction and move on to finally breaking women's monopoly over procreation by developing an artificial womb so men can reproduce without undue coercion from women.
I look forward to this post patriarchal world!
-
Funny, most women who argue with men
No logical response? Change the argument.
pull the same exact stunt. Time to begin calling women on it.
-
@ Pralines & Cream
I don't think the point is that many people would want the LW to be their wife. (I certainly wouldn't want a man who thinks like her to be my husband.) Rather I think that people would not like the LW to make a dishonest situation worse by having children. If her present husband finds out what is going on, her marriage is likely to become quite insecure.
We may make vows in a marriage, but our responsibility to children we bear is considerably greater, inasmuch as little children are completely dependent upon us. They could not survive without adult.
When children get mad at their parents they sometimes say, "Well, I didn't ask to be born." Kind of a smart crack, but it is undeniably true. Because we bear the greatest responsibility to those we bring into the world, cheating on one's spouse and making one's marriage at risk is unfair to children. Children do better with two loving parents.
To me, the biggest mistake concerning having children is not making absolutely sure that their marriages are secure. Divorce when a family has only one income or a modest income can plunge those children into poverty.
-
@ Morgaine16
Whatever marriage's purpose in the past, it still has certain financial and emotional advantages for both men and women. In its history, it surely began as you say with women being little more than property. Also, as short a time ago as the nineteenth century any children who were products of a marriage became their father's property. If the marriage split up the husband had absolute control of the children.
I wouldn't crow too soon about the demise of marriage however. All social change is unsettling and unpredictable in its outcomes. I don't believe the breakdown of monogamy is at all good for children. Screwed up kids become screwed up adults and pass on their disfunctions to their children.
I would be quite willing to bet that the LW:
1. Is not from an intact home.
2. Had a bad relationship with her father, or whatever male parent figure (if any) she grew up with.
-
Simple solution
Tell your husband you're a selfish whore and see how he reacts. Cheaters aren't all that bad, but cheaters who keep secrets are trash.
-
And her husband should have known better
Once a cheater always a cheater. Her husband is naive for marrying her. I am going to assume he trusts this woman, a woman who was previously married when they started dating. Wow, he must be into denying reality. If a woman being married doesn't set off alarm bells and isn't the most massive of red flags when it comes to a relationship, let alone marriage, then he deserves everything that he has coming to him. The beasts you ignore are the ones that come home to roost.
She sounds like a manipulative whore and he sounds like an ignorant fool who just wanted to get hitched to the closest post, red flags be damned. I've seen ton of relationships like theirs, and none of them last.
-
To Katymurta
"and you lied by ommission"
I disagree with you on this. Unless fetboy actually knew these women's husbands well enough to see them fairly often he did not lie by omission. We have a responsibility to be reasonably truthful with those we wed and with others with whom we have relationships.
The world is full of people to whom we do not tell things. Also, we do not have vows or contracts with the whole world. We owe certain loyalties to those whom have reasonable cause to expect our loyalty.
Personally, I would never become involved with a man whom I knew was married. I like to live my life in such a way that I do no harm to others (not as easy as it may seem). A few years back, my daughter became involved with a married man. She was only 21 or 22 and did not realize he was married because he had been separated for a long time. She was visiting me and telling me about the man, with whom she lived. Suddenly out of the blue I said, "He's still married."
She: "No, he's not.
Me: "Oh yes he is!"
She: "No. He would tell me."
Me: "Call him. Ask him directly if he has ever gotten the divorce."
So she did. Sure enough, he was still married. He said that he had never lied to her. Seems to me, he had simply failed to make clear that he was still married and let her assume he was divorced. That is lying by omission.
BTW, I told her to tell him that he needed to get divorced or she would not still continue to live with him. She did and he did and no they did not live happily ever after, but in the long run he was glad to have the divorce behind him (there were no children), and they remain friends.
It took him (in Texas) all of four months to get that divorce once she gave him the ultimatum.
Now go light a fire under your fella's ass.