Letters to the Editor
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Hey fellow villagers!
Let's form an angry mob, grab our torches and storm LW's home! She's a wanton woman! A hussy! Furthermore I hear she was at the church social a fortnight ago without a parasol and gloves! Burn her, she's a witch!
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More bile than I was suspecting
As a reader (and non-poster/lurker) for eight years I have to say that I was moved to write about this letter. Are you all this vehement about all cheating? Is there something about this woman and her letter that evoke so much hatred? If there was a twist, like her husband didn't have sex with her anymore, or she was abused as a child, would you be less hateful?
I'm not defending the author, but I think most of you are overreacting to this. So what? You think the majority of people don't cheat? Even if it's wrong, it's something that happens. Attacking a woman whose husband obviously didn't give a shit about her vows to her first husband without mentioning him being a factor in allowing her behavior is illogical.
I've cheated on everyone I've been with too. And I'm kind of an asshole. I enjoyed cheating, but I've never had a sustained affair because of the emotional requirements. Does this mean I'm a sociopath? I'm a woman, too, who will be married later this year to someone who knows I cheat, but who I will spend my life protecting from pain. But that doesn't mean I won't cheat. Please give this woman a break.
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I don't think this is fake
...because I knew someone like this. Never thought she was a sociopath, but I wondered (and still do) if she had some form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Another friend of hers told me he thought she was a nymphomaniac.
I actually didn't judge her at first when she told me she was a serial cheater. But over time, as I watched it play out, I grew more and more disgusted, and the final straw for me was that she would say things like this LW: completely oblivious, self-satisfied remarks about behavior that would send most of us running to the nearest therapist/confessional/rehab center. She seemed like a sane, reasonably intelligent woman on the surface, but once you got to know her better... yuck.
LW, I doubt that deep down you're capable of really caring if this behavior hurts others. But I can think of a few reasons you may want to fix this for yourself: 1) so you don't have friends (and strangers) debating which personality disorder you represent; 2) because no one ever thinks they will be caught, until they are (w/ the girl I knew, not only did her cuckolded hubby know, but it turned out he had fooled around with both male and female friends of hers); and 3) because you simply cannot have children until you do. You will not be able to hide this from your kids-- they will find out, and they may or may not forgive you for it.
Frankly, I think that "I suspect I may stop" line is total B.S. I don't think you're capable of stopping, at least not without help. At a certain point, the line between "I can't" and "I don't want to" becomes a distinction without a difference, you know?
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I had a boyfriend like this
To say that I felt wounded by his dalliances would be an understatement -- I felt betrayed, pathetic (for not standing up to him) and used. In the end, I decided that sexual conquest gave him the kind of instant reward that he craved because of his many insecurities. It also appealed to his vanity. One of his "freebies" called the apartment once to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner and was outraged when she realized he had a "real" girlfriend. I hope LW's husband is like this gal, and ditches LW forthwith when he finds out (he will find out) rather than being the font of forgiveness I was. There are lots of people who profess to want an "open" marriage. Unless LW's husband is open to a a reformation of their marital contract, Lw ought to find one of them and see how much fun jealousy is.
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harsh guys
LW, these people are harshing on you something fierce, and you don't really deserve the level they are dishing out. I mean, there are some atrocious people out there in the world (men who abandon their families, murderers and rapists, etc) and then there are people who are just sorta screwed up. Obviously, dear, you have some really serious Issues with sex and monogamy. Then again, as the gay male guy said, not everyone is monogamous, not everyone values it. What will your husband think?? I suggest you take option #2 in Cary's list and sit down and talk with your husband about this, pronto. You know it's the right thing to do. I believe you do feel remorse & guilt or you wouldn't have written in.
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sociopath
It is my opinion that the woman who wrote this letter is a sociopath. I think someone can be a sociopath and somewhat self reflective which is why she wrote the letter. But the fact that she enjoys it and continues when her partner thinks she is being monogomous makes her a sociopath. She only cares about herself and she doesn't even realize the harm she is doing to her partner.
I've been involved with a man just like her. He betrayed me for 4 1/2 years. No one suspected -- me, my family or friends. He cheated with many women. Finally the truth came out -- not from him but his therapist told me (don't ask, she obviously has boundary issues herself). The woman who wrote this letter thinks just like my ex boyfriend thinks -- about themself and their own personal gain. It's disgusting, immoral, and very hurtful to those people involved with these manipulative sociopaths. To the lady who wrote this -- get some help asap!
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Um, anonymous
Cheating is not something "that happens". It is something that people choose to do. Of COURSE people have a problem with someone who says, "I cheat! And I have no guilt!" It puts the fear in all of us that we could run into a version of this person (which you have just outed yourself as being). I know many people who have had happy open relationships, some with direct ad nauseum discussion of who is doing what(grad-student polys fall into this category), and some with more tacit understandings (I suppose in the continental manner as referenced by a previous responder). Whatever--you never really know what is going on in someone else's relationship and what makes it work, and if monogamy isn't particularly important in a relationship, that's fine. But both you and the LW seem to be in relationships with people who expect you not to stray, and by doing so, you're betraying their trust: hence "cheating". THAT is the problem here. Please, "protect" your fiance by not marrying him, OK? Or just tell him that monogamy is not your thing and see if he still wants to go ahead. To do otherwise is NOT fair, and it's pretty damn cowardly as well.