Letters to the Editor
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It's about integrity.
One of the first letters in said it all. I think it was one of the best that's been printed so far and many of you missed it. It's about integrity. Here it is:
It's called integrity
Here's the thing, if you're so damn happy, then why do you need advice in the first place? Fact is, you know that what you are doing isn't right.
And why isn't it right if it feels good, eh? Well, because you made promises that you aren't keeping. Conducting an affair is not just one lie. It is a continuous pack of lies on a day to day basis, about where you are going, who you are with, what you are doing, what you feel. Discussing sociopathy may be unproductive, but Cary is right about one thing -- you are a liar in addition to being a cheat.
The thing about perpetual liars is that the more they lie, the more tenuous their grip on what is true -- about themselves, about their life, what is real and what isn't.
You may have the love of a good man -- one who thinks the world of you and would lay his life down for you. But you will never know that, never know what it feels like. You may have friends and family who accept you for who you are, but you'll never know what that feels like either. Liars tell so many lies, that they never get to know who their friends and lovers really are, what great things they are capable of. Because they are never fully present. They never show up as their true selves, because they cover themselves up with lies.
This is what you know to be wrong -- you are having fun, but none of what you have is real. You have told so many lies to so many people over the years, that I am sure of the fact that you have no idea who you are anymore, and no one you claim to love does either.
I disagree with the notion that marriage is only about exclusivity. It's not. Exclusivity is a tool to acheive a higher goal -- two people who are so connected in the knowledge of each other and the acceptance of one another that they fully understand what it means to love and be loved. WIthout trust that isn't possible. And trust comes easier in an environment of exclusivity.
Cary has a point, but again, an incomplete one. It's not about whether your lying is truly pathological. It may very well be. But that's for a therapist to decide, not a Salon columnist or even a random commenter to said column. What is definately true, is that your lies have robbed you of your ability to have an authentic life, and while it is possible to live an inauthentic life for a time, it's ultimately a shallow one, one that can't be sustained for very long and isn't very satisfying.
Candy tastes good. But you can't live a life eating only candy. You'll feel sick, get malnourished, and in the end you'll be a sticky fat mess with rotted teeth. Lying is the same way. You can get a lot of things that are pleasurable if you are willing to treat the truth as a matter of opinion, as something optional. But sooner or later, you discover that a life built on lies has nothing satisfying to offer. Sooner or later, the lies unravel and the whole thing comes crashing down around you in a train wreck.
Don't be that girl. Go get some therapy. Get the strength to live with some integrity. Go get the kind of love and happiness that's real.
-- proudfemme
[Read proudfemme's other letters
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caught you on the fly, @3:52
I guess your anger and disgust clouds your ability to read...including the parts where husband strongly infers he doesn't want to deal with sex anymore, and wants other men to take over for him, mentions a few times his "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy....that's just a few details of a larger picture of a man who refuses to deal with the issue of his lack of sexual response.
Etc., etc.
If you had read my original letter rationally and without the urge to jump down my throat, you would have read my comments that 1) I am not happy about the situation or accepting it as a real, long-term solution, 2) he doesn't want to discuss this at all, (by the way, he doesn't believe in therapy, would never go himself and was dubious about me going for my general issues), 3) I myself have begun therapy to figure out a better way to handle this situation, which is overwhelming to me and 4) I explained how I am financially dependent on him, and we have a child.
If you continue to want to live in your black-and-white world, go ahead. You're right that I am angry at him, for putting up all sorts of roadblocks to solving this and other problems we have. I do think it's a mess, but it's partially his doing (he also spent many years in denial that he had a problem with his diabetes, but also as I've said, his waning interest in sex has probably predated the disease itself, which I'm sure worsened things).
I knew the judgments would be somewhat harsh, which I'm okay with...I just thought it might put things into perspective to present a different side of the "cheating" story. It's also interesting how histrionic people get, when it's not their own marriage that is at stake, supposedly.
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Well, it is technically a no-fault divorce state. That being said,
the lw is piece of shit and a user. Why get married if you are going to cheat? Simple solution, do your husband the courtesy of a divorce. You ever think he is getting ass on the side? Remember how you 2 met. I can guarantee he is hitting some young ass, who will soon replace your aging carcass. Remember, women get old, men get younger ass.
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So now the moron faction has chimed in
Aging, delusional frat boy with his MBAs from Princeton and Yale.