Letters to the Editor
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@cali64
Why does someone necessarily have to obey the rules of "society" concerning marriage?
Simple. Because the two people getting married are agreeing with each other to obey those rules. That's why they say choose to say their vows out loud in front of a crowd of their friends and relatives.
Now, obviously, the couple -- as a unit -- has the right to change the rules. If they want to say their vows, walk out of the ceremony, and immediately agree with each other that they're going to sleep with other people on a regular basis... then that is completely up to them. But if that conversation never takes place, then I think the verbal contract should stand. People should be able to assume that their vows are being taken seriously by their spouse unless they're told otherwise. I may be going out on a limb here, but I would hazard a guess that the LW's husband is still under the assumption that the vows he and his wife made to each other are still in effect.
Bottom line, a marriage is a partnership, and in a partnership both people are involved in the important decisions. You may see it differently, but I tend to think that choice of sexual partners is kind of an important decision. (Choice of laundromat? Probably not so much.) And therefore it's not a decision that gets made by one party without consulting the other.
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cary
have to say i'm disappointed with your advice this week. Usually you take the nuanced, poetic high road and try to bring out the unexpected and the complexities in a situation. This week I feel you are kowtowing to all the comment trolls who always accuse you of not being judgmental enough. Sociopath? Come ooon. Everyone has a libido, it's a complex thing. Repressing it isn't what's best for everyone. To all you strident harridans commenting, the trajectory of human evolution is towards MORE sexual freedom, not less. There are still countries where a woman can be stoned to death for adultery. Maybe you guys should go hang out there.
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Is Cary Tennis brain-damaged?
Cary: A quick note on last week's Christian daughter column.
I was surprised by the vehemence with which atheists took exception...
Atheists? Can you read at all, or don't you understand English, or are you capable of seeing only what your preconceptions tell you to see?
Those taking exception to your dangerously stupid advice included atheists, agnostics, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Scientologists, Rosicrucians ... the entire spectrum of believers and non-believers.
I think the editors of Salon need some advice: find a new advice columnist. This one is broken.
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Brightstar
Brightstar: "A good AND sexual woman really is worth $1million, they are so rare."
Oh my God. Poor little Brightstar. Suddenly it all becomes clear: No woman has ever been attracted to him in his life.
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A Different Gay Male Perspective
Cuff Links says:
"But I'm a gay male and (like many gay males in relationships) I have been unfaithful to various boyfriends over the years..."
Then Jan VanDenBerg says:
"Just look at "typical" gay behavior before AIDS for some idea of what sex would be like if men had their way."
And only one other poster here calls bullshit?
Cuff Links, don't justify your inability to maintain monogamy by falsely claiming "many" gay men behave likewise. Maybe it's just the type of gay men you hang out with. Most of my gay friends are in committed relationships of anywhere from 5-20 years where cheating would be an absolute deal breaker. Four gay relationships I've known ended because of cheating. None survived it. Gay men may not be less inclined to cheat than our straight counterparts, but we certainly aren't more inclined to do so or more tolerant of it.
So you went out to cheat, found your boyfriend cheating, and the two of you are just swell with it. Fine. What about those other "various boyfriends" you were unfaithful to? Did they know you were cheating? You want an open relationship, state the terms up front and fuck around to your heart's content. Don't lie to someone who expects you to be monogamous. And don't rationalize your behavior by perpetuating gay stereotypes.
Jan, the infamous gay promiscuity you're referring to usually wasn't cheating because there weren't many gay "couples." Before gay visibility and rights took hold, it was nearly unthinkable for two men past a certain age to live together and very few places for gay men to meet. Hence, many gay hook ups took place anonymously in bathrooms, truck stops, parks, etc. The '70's was a sort of adolescence for the gay community and many took advantage of newfound freedoms to fuck whenever and wherever they could. Additionally, with no societal recognition of gay relationships, those that existed had a very tough go of it.
Yes, the advent of AIDS helped to usher in a greater commitment to monogamy, but other major factors were greater recognition by the straight community of the validity of gay relationships and a maturing of the gay community. I assure you, gay men are just as capable of monogamy as anyone else.
Your assertion also seems to be that men in general aren't capable of monogamy. That is just as false as Cuff Links' assertion, and also perpetuated by the same type of person: An individual who is incapable of monogamy, but would like to believe they are in the majority as a means of justifying their behavior.
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Anonymous Tuesday, October 9, 2007 12:03 PM, your capacity for rationalization is scary.
Uh yeah right, I should join the Taliban because I suggested that your cheating on your husband while he suffers from a serious disease is less than tasteful. I have a wonderful relationship with my partner and I would not be out the door fucking around if he lost his ability to get an erection due to a DISEASE. The same way I trust that he wouldn't fuck around if I lost my breasts or had some other side effect from medications, illness, etc. And diabetes is a serious medical illness, like cancer, with genetic and other predispositions. You want to blame him so that you can excuse yourself. Of course that logic can work with a lot of diseases: he could blame you for someday losing your breasts because you have bad genes and smoked for two years or took HRT, and so on.
You clearly have a tremendous amount of anger at your husband and it is my guess that your anger fuels the cheating and the rationalization. No, it is no o.k. to screw around on an ill spouse. You should be honest with him about the issues and if appropriate get a divorce -- not lie, cheat, harbor resentment, and otherwise behave like a spoiled, insensitive, self-gratifying child.