Letters to the Editor
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What you really need to do is...
...eh. Nevermind. You're not worth the thought.
Next...
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She doesn't have a problem...
... her husband does. He's married to a petri dish.
The only reason to care about this situation is that someone might very well be devastated when the truth finally comes out. Though I suppose some here will argue that that's a good enough reason never to tell him.
You know, if the serial cheaters just stuck to their own kind, they wouldn't need to feel guilty or be called cheaters or risk being tagged with personality disorders. The problem comes when they get involved with those poor, deluded, monogomous mundanes who actually fall for their lies.
Then it's a huge problem.
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Re: "I'm a cheater - is there anything wrong with me."
No - lying, dishonesty and cheating are great traits - I'm sure of you found out a local merchant had his thumb on the scale, you'd be overjoyed. I'm positive if you discovered your husband was lying to you, you'd be thrilled. And I know for a fact, that if you found out your employer was stealing from your paycheck - no sweat!
of course, I'm a known liar!
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I'm just curious about something someone mentioned earlier
"And once again, I would love to hear the backstory on the LW...I'm sure abandonment issues come into play here at some point, because this kind of behavior SCREAMS daddy-figure syndrome..."
What about a guy who does this kind of cheating?
I knew someone who did and continues to cheat very regularly on his wife. He's a westerner who lives in a country -- Thailand -- that has a cultural acceptance of married people (including women) having extra-marital affairs/relationships, so it plays into his rationalisations. But of course that doesn't mean people don't get hurt as his wife (a wonderful, educated Thai woman) is obviously hurt by his cheating. I think she stays with him for the children's sake most of all, but also for the financial benefits.
He definitely loves his wife but he also rationalises his cheating behaviour and he compartmentalises his life. He's an otherwise funny, intelligent, insightful, lovely man, but he is very selfish, so perhaps the narcissism is what drives him and others like him.
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Youre a superstar, honey.
I like what youre doing sweetie and I like what youre saying about cheating.
And because youre cheating on your husband, Im going to cheat on my wife and leave her and my stepson.
Cheers!
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Open relationships
Cali64: There are many open marriages that work just fine and often open marriages require more honesty and trust than closed marriages. Open marriages used to be something to be concealed and ashamed of (as almost anything re: unconventional sex in this country) and as such weren't as cultivated in the public eye. In short, they get a bad rap. As for open marriages "not usually working out" I would say that most marriages don't work out-open or not. It depends on the mindset of those entering the marriages as both open and closed marriages require a level of commitment. "There are few people in this society who would agree to such an arrangement": So is it better to then just marry someone with the implicant agreement of faithfulness and eventually break their heart rather than try a little harder to find someone who shares your values? I myself subscribe to monogamy but went through a long period in my life where I was not ready to commit to just one person. That's fine. Don't do it until you're ready or don't do it at all. The pain you will inflict on others is not worth it.
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in social and ideological struggles, as in the hard sciences, direct observation and firsthand experience are the best route to detailed, nuanced knowledge and understanding.
that might apply if the Dad had NEVER been to church before, but 99% chance he has, particularly since the child's mother goes. So there's no need to go learn about church, he knows all he wants to know. You assume he's ignorant of religion, whereas the truth is, he's been exposed, consdiered and rejected. VEry different.
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re: "an opportunity arose to sleep with an old friend, and I didn't want to pass it up"
there's a sale at macy's you don't want to miss this week either.
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European Perspective/Anonymous @ 6:47
Today, there is a virtual insistence that marriage is primarily an institutionalization of romantic love. For the more liberal, substitute committed relationship for marriage.
There is a more traditional view of marriage as primarily an economic, social, and contractual relationship that is inherently valuable to society. From this perspective, something as effemeral as romantic love is secondary to the social institution of marriage. However, human nature being what it is, romantic love will, on occasiion, need to be accomodated. This view of marriage is not inwardly focused on the needs, desires, and whims of the married couple, but outwardly focused on the social relations between the married couple, their children, their extended families, and society at large.
Obviously it is ideal to limit romance to marriage, and for married couples to maintain a exclusive romantic relationship until death.
Things don't always work out perfectly. When they don't, if you consider marriage exclusively from the perspective of the married individuals, then ending the relationship is always preferable to infidelity. If you take a more traditional view of marriage, then you may get a different answer.
Anonymous @6:47 is trying to make the best of a difficult situation. In her case, there is a child involved. Given her situation, the idea that the only reasonable and moral choices are divorce or celibacy strikes me as narrow and priggish. Remaining in her marriage is a perfectly reasonable option, especially if her husband is satisfied with the status quo.
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@nancarrow
But you see, that's the problem with cheaters in the first place. So many of them can't STAND to be with someone who isn't faithful. Because, you see, sexual variety is only half the appeal of cheating (if even that much). The rest of the equation is the comfort of knowing that once you're done with your fling you have someone stable who loves you that you can go back to, until you're ready for your next conquest. That's what cheaters need; if all they really wanted to do was sleep around, they'd never get married.
And, I suspect, that's what's going on with the LW. She'd have carte blanche to fuck anything that moves if she could only divorce her husband, but golly, she'd just be HEARTBROKEN if he weren't waiting for her at the end of the day, happily ignorant of everything she's up to.