Letters to the Editor
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You can't hide under the covers
I know a lot of people who could fit rather nicely into LW's snapshot. One in particular has a complicated situation in a passionless marriage and stays until the kids are old enough to be more independent. He loves them more than he loves his own comfort. He cheats because that is how he can stay alive, he needs to be touched and feel that excitement. Do I judge my friend and send him to the lions? Can a person be fixed if your main focus is to shame them? You are no better than the fundamentalist groups then.
What I am trying to express is that many of these situations are not what they seem. It isn't as simple as the posts make it, there is no neat catagory you can place this LW into. So, if you really are as perfect and without fault as you seem to think here in Salon, keep throwing the rocks her way.
It is true though that this has to be addressed. LW, you can keep ignoring it, but I have felt the same things, at least once and there is always something deeper at play. It isn't about the f-ing around or the sex. Go into it, full on. Roll your sleeves up and get to work. Find a fabulous therapist, do EMDR, anything you can... but you need clarity. The excitement is a lovely and seductive mirage. I've traveled to the edge of that mirage and was disappointed as you will be, as your husband will be.
There is one thing in your letter that is extremely disturbing. Why would you think children would be a fix? That is possibly the most ignorant statement I've heard. You think having babies will magically remove your desires and needs? If you do that, it will be a selfish and devastating act with a negative effect seeping into generations, unless you get right first. You have NO IDEA how true this is. Good luck on your journey.
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Getting out of the marriage...
... those who advise the LW to get out of the marriage are missing the essential paradox of the situation.
SHE ENJOYS CHEATING! She does not want to be single and screw around, she wants to be in a relationship and screw around.
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I have a wife
who I cheat on constantly. I currently am 'dating' one woman who I met through church. And I have a girlfriend on the side, but I only get to see her twice, sometimes three times a week, usually at lunch, so my wife suspects NOTHING.
I LOVE IT, I am having the time of my life cheating on my wife and my three children.
My wife is ignorant and cold and hardly ever gives me the time of day anymore.
So I treat my girlfriends as my 'specisl' time. God wants me to have a happy life, so I am glad to indulge this side of me.
Hey, we only live once!
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What does it mean to you to be married?
Marriage isn't for everyone.
I read your letter and kept thinking - "What does this person think marriage is?"
Only you can answer that.
Only you know if your relationship with your husband is an honest one. Only you can decide if fooling another person (or other people) is how you want to live your life.
It is patently unfair to be a sneaky manipulator - but life's unfair, I guess.
My self-respect wouldn't let me play this sort of game on someone I claimed to "love". I hope you like the person you see in the mirror each morning. I couldn't.
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One Word
Dissociation.
TonyJ
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CocoMademoiselle
I think the whole Europeans are okay with cheating is mostly a myth. My sister married a French man and I lived in France for 5 years; I saw married couples without kids generally divorcing over the issue and married couples with kids experiencing all the pain and angst of cheating. The main differences are they are less likely to make personal attacks and air the dirty laundry, they are more likely to suck it up for the sake of the kids, and the parents of the adults are more likely to have some role in advising the couple to work it out and support them doing so. We knew some "free spirits" but they were not walking around telling people about their open marriages... the open marriages were very much in the closet. Most of the people I met were personally quite conservative, but they don't culturally demonize those who transgress because it is a "family matter". That's why I saw anyway.
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From Switzerland
Yeah, all those hatin' on Cary about the Christian daughter letter last time were just the opposite end of the fundamentalist spectrum. Why would you act like those you claim to abhor? Christopher Hitchens said everything you said and more in his last book. No need to make it a battle cry in this case.
Agreed, some religions are scary, but Cary was merely saying to show up for your own daughter. Don't engage in her battle, for the sake of flow in your family.
If you want to advocate an open mind re: atheism and agnosticism or whatever brand you favor, then don't be so inflexible.
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Tony J
Is onto something!
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Wow. Just Wow.
I realize that everything I have to say has probably been said already. There seems to be, for the most part, two camps here:"cunt, whore!" and "hey everyone does it!" People do cheat, yes. I mean it happens, we're all human, right? But most people then FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. This woman seems to be doing something that she knows may hurt her husband deliberately and that's where this becomes a problem-even if we weren't talking about sex. Which we're not really, let's face it. This isn't about sex for her. If it were she would be in an open marriage or stay single. This is about power. This is about saying "hey look what I can get away with!" I get the impression that even if she were in an open marriage, she would find some way to deceive because that's where the high is coming from. (I mean, sleeping with her CLIENT!?, My god, that's a one way ticket to ruining her life!)A really agree with Cary that she needs to get some therapy and find where this self destructive (and they are self-destructive) tendencies are coming from.
For all those posters that are saying "hey, I've done this! It's no big deal!"-it's fine not to subscribe to monogamy, really it is, but everything in a relationship boils down to consent. If your partner doesn't know and support what you are doing then you aren't ready to be in a monogamous relationship. So don't do it.