Letters to the Editor
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You women fought for this, to be just like the worst men around you
Well, maybe so, but please don't replicate the mistake by becoming the male version of the archetypal crazy and bitter feminist. I think you could probably find women like this throughout human history, just as there have always been some men who have always been jerks. (I mean, people cheat even in societies where you can be stoned for it, so the compulsion is undeniably there for a certain percentage of the population.) I'm not sure how you could make an argument that this is about politics (although granted, some have tried by asking, "What if she were a man?"--a ridiculous question if I ever read one).
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I'm another "cheater"
I realize I am not in a situation like LW's, but I must be a sociopath anyway.
Husband has diabetes, has not been able to have sex for over a year but has gradually lost interest in it over the past five years or so, I think more for psychological and physical reasons--even when we were having sex, it was 2-4 times a year. I am considered cute, in decent shape, and have managed to find a few kind, intelligent and attractive men to have sex with on occasion over these past three years. It wasn't sleazy but it is frustrating to have this setup...but my alternative is not having sex.
When I give my husband a hug he says, "Why are you being affectionate?" Yes, he is joking, but it's probably his way of deflecting his anxieties about sexual inadequacy. I've never mentioned anything about the other men--even a desire for sex with other men--and I'm sure he knows nothing about the reality, but he's already said, "Don't ask, don't tell" (I thought at first he was kidding, till he repeated this statement on a few separate occasions)--he just wouldn't want to know about it. So...I'm not telling, and trying to act as decently about it as you can in this kind of weird situation. I've had three friends with benefits, and I regret the one who was married; I would stick with single men only in the future. We always practice safe sex, which is more for my partners' benefit anyway, as I'm not having sex with the husband any more.
Why don't I leave? I made the huge mistake of opting out of the work force when I had our daughter...now it's tough as hell getting a job, even a minimum-wage job, with a gap of ten years on my resume...I'm trying. I'm also in therapy, and trying to straighten this out and figure out what IS the right thing to do with a husband who doesn't want to talk about it, wants to be off the hook in terms of sexually satisfying me, and in other ways is a decent partner who would probably not want to divorce, if he had the choice. I realize this is not a good situation in the long term...but for now I don't see why I should have to give up sex completely, not that I'm even getting that much of it. But when I have it, it's fun. It's normal to want to have sex.
I dislike the LW's take on it--she sounds smug, arrogant, reckless, illogical and pretty shallow. But I wouldn't paint everyone who "cheats" with the same brush. The shrill voices here have a very simplistic view of marriage and right and wrong.
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Re.: Quick note about "Christian daughter".
My initial reaction was critical about your Christian daughter advice. After thinking about going to church with a daughter, addled by religion .. and, better yet ... encouraging her to go to other religous ceremonies: a buddhist temple, a mosque, a synagog, etcetera, I think your advice was the best approach possible. Confrontation of a person who is devoted to a myth seldom helps maintain a family relationship. I think a John Saffron approach to religion is a good one.
That certainly does not mean that religious leaders should not be confronted vehemently when they attempt to impose their misguided superstitions on government policies.
Around 40% of the British admit to being Christians, while something like 70% of Americans say they are Christians. In Britain there reportedely are more comparative religion classes in schools. My guess is that, when children are exposed to an honest array of different religions, the kids recognize the B.S. and tend to avoid being brainwashed into following archaic teachings of one or the other of the monotheisms, which are all based on books written centuries ago without the benefit of modern science.
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Moral Schmoral
male version of the archetypal crazy and bitter feminist.
That decision has already been made by me.
Frankly, I do not see ANY reason to act any better than that. Women get sucked in by bad men all the time, til they get disgusted with ALL men as a result. The promised land never came for us better, more moral men and we are all lumped together into being considered bad and useless anyway.
I feel free to be as crazy, bitter, evil, remorseless, and amoral as I WANT to be.
Feminism sought it for women, I seek it for myself in response.
I like sex, I ama man, I should be pursuing it without any doubt in my head even if all the women areound me hate it and hate men.
It is that or being stuck in a sexless marriage with a so called moral woman who really is just a frigid man hater pretending she is moral to cover up her frigidity.
At 42, I can finally see through the lies.
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Answer
LW asks: "Is there something wrong with me?"
short answer: Yes.
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I'm sorry to hear that
I feel very bad for you then, brightstar. You have a lot of passion and I have read some very perceptive things written by you. I hate to see things go this way, even for one person. I hope very good things happen to you personally so you won't be in this place forever.
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Sociopathy
The question was raised about whether this is sexism. Would there be as much outrage at the LW's behavior if she was a man? Well yes and no. Sure, if this was a man's letter, "he" wouldn't get a pass for being a cheater. But he'd be called out for being a dick and doing something bad. But I doubt he'd be called a sociopath. There's really nothing about the LW's letter that suggests she's a sociopath. Sociopaths don't write letters to advice columnists saying, "hey, I'm cheating on my husband and I don't feel guilty, is something wrong?" Sociopaths write letters to advice columnists that say stuff like, "Why is my fiance being such a dick to me when all I did was sleep with two old friends, a random guy in a bar and a business client? What's wrong with him?" See the difference?
Frankly, I feel that although the term sociopath describes an actual psychological/developmental condition, it has become -- among amateur psychologists -- a slightly more urbane and sophisticated way of saying "Y'all she's a witch! Let's burn her!"