Letters to the Editor
-
Take her to church on your weekends
I agree with the mother. Assuming you live in a moderate to large city, I would take the daughter to a church every weekend. But there is one caveat:
I would take her to a different church every weekend.
I would take her to every denomination of Christian churches, Jewish Temples, et. al. I would take her to conservative churches, liberal churches, pagan ceremonies. Let her see how other people believe in God.
Now at this point, you will be saying you are not religious and you do not believe in God. Do not approach it from that manner. As a father it is your duty to educate your daughter. Show her the vast kaleidescope of faith in America. The both of you will get an education.
SJ
-
Amen Brother!
God, what a brilliant and elegantly simple piece of advice! Cary, thou art absolved of some recent really odd suggestions to other advice seekers.
OK, I'm being just a tad facetious in how I've worded this - but I'm dead serious about my admiration of both your football analogy and your suggestion to the father, whose faith in nothing should be strong enough to survive a few visits to the "enemy" camp. If it's not, then it was still the right thing to do.
Admittedly I've of late been getting really worn down by the relentless barrages from the neoatheist community (just down the road from the nihilist community and across the river from the childlike believe anything community; and so my commentary on use of the term "community gets slipped in as well. Jesus I'm clever sometimes).
It's hard to be serious about this, even though it is a damned serious subject and you really have, I believe (being a hopeless believer) you have committed a giant slam dunk here. Kudos Cary. You still got it!
-
Halfway measures won't work
Tennis's advice to go to church, have a private conference with a church official, and treat their doctrine of salvation as a "product" so as to convince the daughter that the LW has at least "engaged" with her belief will not work.
People who believe as this poor child does will not stop worrying, crying, or praying for the LW until he has knelt, wept for his sins, confessed his dependence on Jesus for salvation, professed an acceptance of the same, and followed up with an avid embrace of the church, its doctrines, and practices. What is generally true of Tennis is egregiously true in this case: he quite simply has no idea what he is talking about, and his advice is worse than useless.
LW, your child is going through a phase. I do not mean that as disrespectful toward mature adults who carefully choose a life of religious belief, but I do mean that any serious-minded child raised as she is being raised, will at some point look at his or her "unsaved" parent and weep for their putative fate. Nothing will cure their fear except (1) what I described above or (2) time.
It is certainly possible that the child may continue to adhere to evangelical religion for the rest of her life and eventually urge you, in firm but more reasonable terms, to "surrender your life to Christ." It is also very possible that, as she matures intellectually and emotionally, she will come to see the very considerable pitfalls of her present religious path and either one day abandon it in quiet embarrassment or perhaps even come to you, along about the time she is in college, and say, "My gosh, Dad, what in the world ever possessed me to act like that back then? Thank goodness you were mature enough not to get too upset about it."
There is nothing wrong with visiting church with her in the sense of projecting that you are mature enough not to use her as a proxy in a battle with her mother. But there is the risk I referred to above: that your attendance will tantalize her with hopes of your impending "salvation" that then make her disappointment--and fear for your "eternal destiny"--all the keener.
What you ought to do is this: sit her down, calmly, and say to her, "I know that the church you and your mother attend preaches that people like me are 'lost' and will go to hell. I know you are very sincere in that belief. I disagree. I know you wish very badly that I would 'surrender my life to Jesus.' I can only say that a matter like that is something that each of us has to work out on his or her own. I respect the fact that you feel very strongly about this, and if you would like to discuss God, or your belief, or read the Bible with me, I will be happy to do that. I think that religion can be a very important thing, but I hate to think that you are going to go through each day in fear of what will or will not happen to me if I don't believe as you do. I think the best thing I can suggest to you is that if you feel your faith is strong enough, that you will believe that God can somehow 'show me the way.' But aside from that, let's try to learn from each other and cherish our time together."
And then, calmly live that out.
-
I would never proseletyze, but
I think a church that espouses principles rather than doctrine could be a good place for you and your daughter to experence a rainbow of deistic and nondeistic spiritual teachings. Have you ever been to a Unitarian Universalist church or fellowship? The best will lovingly accept you and your daughter and treat both of your belief perspectives with appreciation and respect.
Here's a link to their principles: http://www.uua.org/visitors/6798.shtml
There are Christian churches these days who embrace freedom of conscience and universal salvation, including the United Church of Christ and some Disciples of Christ congregations. Perhaps you and your daughter could read: If Grace is True: Why God Will Save Every Person, by Gulley and Mulholland. This book was very helpful to my father, whose Christian beliefs were causing him to be fearful about me and my refusal to embrace rigid doctrines.
Good luck-